Hi, I’ve been reading a few threads on here that sound so similar to mine, I’ve tried commenting but the threads are closed so I’ve had to start a new one.
Ive recently been diagnosed with OCD by my NHS therapist.
I have been with my partner 5 years, neither of us has ever been disloyal, however from about July last year I started getting horrible intrusive thoughts whenever I went on a night out and had a drink that I could have had sex or been raped by someone in the toilets, even if my partner was there, I’ve always seeked reassurance from the people I’ve been with and give it a couple of weeks to a month and it’s replaced with another silly thought.
we had been trying for a baby from April 2023 and I finally fell pregnant in October 2023, we was over the moon until the intrusive thought about 1 week into finding out, I was sat on the loo and my head went ‘what if you was raped? What if you had sex in the toilets and you don’t remember… what if you don’t know who this babies dad is’ in October I went out 2 times with close friends both times and my partner all times, I know every person really well apart from 2 male ‘friends’ that we only bump into in the pub but still would consider trust worthy, I had no thoughts about this after these nights out it wasn’t until 5/6 weeks later being pregnant, I also remember both nights out, I’m not black out but that’s another thing my brain is telling me “what If you don’t remember”…
these thoughts have eaten me alive, I fight with them constantly as I feel I know the truth and it just gets overwhelming, my partner is so supportive, I had a really awful first pregnancy with my son (my partner has raised him from 1 year) and I think I’m catastrophising everything!! my ex cheating on me throughout my pregnancy then kicked me out of our home when my son was only a couple months old, it quite honestly was the hardest thing I had been through, I had to completely start again, so the thought of another pregnancy although I completely trust my partner has always been daunting but never the less you can’t stop your life, and I’ve been doing therapy to help through this etc since the moment we agree’d on trying, but still I constantly feel doom, something bad will happen and I will be left homless and single with 2 children.
I’m now 5 months pregnant and have felt this way almost the entire pregnancy, I had a blip yesterday where I messaged one of the boys (one is in a relationship so thought it would be inappropriate) for reassurance about the night out 5 months ago,(I know this is a compulsion, but we follow eachother on socials so I thought it would be fine) I just said we was going back to said pub and me and my partner have beer fear to try and break the ice… obviously they all know I’m pregnant as we have announced on socials, I just got no response, not even read but I can see my stories being viewed now of course my head has completely gone crazy and my OCD is purging so so bad and I’m thinking awful things again, panic attacks the lot - it’s bad!
can anyone offer suggestions? Help? Anything? As I feel there is no way out, I feel as if I’m being crushed!! I want to be better, I won’t take my sertraline as I’m scared I’ll harm the baby, but I’m having CBT and a bit of exposure therapy I’m trying to get better so bad, but one big hit and it throws me straight back to the start, I feel as if I’m ruining this for my partner as all I do is cry and worry, and he’s so so excited to meet his little boy!
sorry if this is really long, I hope someone somewhere has some experience and can offer some help! Thank you x