Teens and selfishness

[Flyhigher]

My DD is 16. My dad died of cancer. Within 10 days.
She's selfish as fuck.
I'm sorry. I am just not buying this teens are selfish thing.
I think many people condone their behaviour.
I'm sorry. But I think she's extremely selfish. And am starting not to like her at all.
Help!

It's got to the point that I actually don't want to give her any inheritance of his ever. She has treated me badly. Help!

My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 15. It was a hellish time (34 years ago though), but I did whatever I could to try to support my mother through the initial shock.

Very similar for me, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 17, 45 years ago now. We (DM, DB and I) supported each other as best we could and I don’t remember any selfishness either.

Teens can be selfish but I would definitely say something to mine if they were acting badly. People excuse teen behaviour - the backchat etc, but the work starts years before the teens if your children try and speak to you rudely. I am a very relaxed parent but have been strict with respect etc. I know it’s probably some luck too but I’ve had 3 good teens. 1st (different father and was born in my teens) wasn’t perfect but he was never rude to me, and my 2nd and 3rd have been dream teens. Youngest 16 soon, and in half term is up at 5am revising for forthcoming mocks and GCSE’s. I think my mum is silently stewing I didn’t get payback for my teenage years!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But it does seem.that you are focused on the wrong person. Of course she shouldn't be unkind but the primary responsibility here is your husband.

Your husband, unquestionably should be providing emotional and practical support and doing anything that he possibly can to support you. That includes dealing with anyone else who is being difficult and not supporting you.

T

So sorry for your loss OP and I do understand that you need someone to care and look after you but that is your husbands role you can't look for support from your child. However your DD absolutely shouldn't be nasty and that's totally unacceptable but she's learnt how to behave from her dad who seems to approve of it (that whole relationship sounds wrong - which is HIS fault NOT hers) he is the issue here, Im not sure why you've focused on your child's behaviour over his.

Your hurt is palpable.

Maybe, this is the wake up call you need to make some big changes to your life.

Start with some grief counselling and trying to unravel your feelings towards your daughter and husband.

Then make a plan. What do you want your life to look like and feel like? Identify that and then the steps you need tor make to achieve it. And start doing it.

You're using some really horrible words to describe your daughter but your husband seems to be automatically absolved of any responsibility. That's a very strange dynamic and makes me wonder if your daughter has always been the scapegoat and that's why she's acting up. The way you describe her relationship with her father is actually quite disturbing, as if she's taken him away from you. Very strange.

Probably because it hurts more when it's your daughter behaving like this? It doesn't mean she's been used as a scapegoat at all. I remember being awful to my mum as teen and she really didn't deserve it. There was no shitty upbringing or anything, I look back and just remember being intensely irritated by her for no reason. I've spoken to a lot of people about this (cos i have a daughter approaching teens), and they've had this feeling as a teen as well. The mums shouldn't just have to just put up with it ffs.

Totally agree with this. Respect starts from the beginning and it does both ways parent to child as well as child to parent.

I said on an earlier post she should come down hard on bad behaviour. But there is a very fucked up dynamic in OP's family, and lots she's not saying. And it may hurt more but as the grown up and parent she needs to stop blaming her daughter for her husbands shitty behaviour.

You haven’t actually said what your daughter has said or done? Just said that she’s nasty and selfish, both of which are subjective descriptors. It isn’t clear in any of your posts what she or your husband has said or done.

did you ask them for a hug? Or are you annoyed it hasn’t been given automatically.

Hello OP, we are so sorry for your loss.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.

can you say a little more about how the “vileness” manifests? You’ve described DD not giving you emotional support or hugs, but kindly you cannot expect this of a 16 year old. It’s not reasonable on your part.

I am upset with both. I guess I've given up with him. She's part of my dad. And her lack of empathy is hurting hard.

I don't expect my husband to feel it like me. I expect her to be a bit upset and to feel more for me too.

OP I am truly sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you were quite close to your Dad and you miss him terribly. Your relationship with your teen DD is made more challenging due to your bereavement.

Firstly, teenagers tend to act selfishly. Their brains are constantly rewiring, and they tend to be prone to acting or speaking out impulsively and daughters can be particularly hard on their mums. I found this book very helpful and an easy read in trying to understand my DD's behaviour, to lay down boundaries and expectations without getting into explosive arguments or locking myself away in floods of tears and generally not feeling like a crap mum. On a positive note as teens get older their behaviour does get a LOT better. My DD in her mid 20s is a vastly different person from how she was in her teens (as I was too!). She is truly a joy and a pleasure to be with - and I never thought I would say that.

Secondly, bereavement is bloody hard. A lot of grown adults do not know how best to support someone who is grieving, especially, if they have not lost someone whom they were close to, let alone your 16 year old DD! For some people, supporting someone else through grief is difficult as it is a painful reminder of how fragile life is - how we cannot take people for granted. It is quite scary. Maybe this is why your DD is quite clingy to your DH? Also, men generally are not very good at expressing their emotions. Men like to offer solutions or try and fix things - all of which don't work when you are grieving. Some people also expect to be told what to do help. Eg. Telling them, "I could really do with a cuddle right now/go for a walk together/be left alone" etc etc. I think it is also helpful to explicitly say how you are honestly feeling. I also agree with the other posters that it is not up to your DD to emotionally support you through this, but your DH. It might be also helpful to let your DH know how much of your DD's dismissive behaviour towards you, is particularly painful, so that he can have a chat with her about it and support you. It might also be helpful to post this on the Bereavement board as there will have been others in the same situation as you. You are not alone!

I disagree. On the day of the funeral. I think some hugs and love.

So sorry ... am absolutely not buying this selfish teen thing.

Am not. Selfish teen selfish adult.

Your posting is getting less coherent and doesn't explain what your DD is doing to make you so upset?

It reads like you have adult expectations of a child. She isn't your emotional crutch.

So sorry ... am absolutely not buying this selfish teen thing

it’s not selfish not to want to hug you.

your teen is allowed boundaries.

if you think her declining to hug you is “vile” and causing you not to like her then you need to take a step back and realise you’re being blinded by grief.

There have been some helpful nuggets here and I have taken them on.

My expectations of my family were so much higher.

My advice- don't have kids at 40!

Op can you just clarify…has your daughter done anything else ‘vile’ besides not offer you a hug on the day of the funeral?

You keep banging on about your daughter not offering you a hug on the day of the funeral...are you a 'huggy' family normally?

My parents never hugged me (or said they loved me) and if all of a sudden one of them was looking to me for one - in a public display such as a funeral - I would have refused, too. My lack of physical interaction with my parents as a child/teen means I still struggle with things like hugs even now, at 55.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you are having such a bad time and not getting any emotional support from your DD or DH. However unfair it is, I think for your own sanity you need to accept that they are not going to help you, in the short term at least.
You say you are used to your DH uncaring behaviour, so please start making plans to leave. Can you go away for a few days just to relax and take care of yourself? Even a budget hotel like premier inn can be relaxing if you only have to think about what you want to do.
Longer term, you deserve better than a DH who behaves like yours does. Your MH and self esteem will improve if you can start making steps to build yourself a new life.
Good luck. I can really feel your pain xx