Teens and selfishness

[Flyhigher]

My DD is 16. My dad died of cancer. Within 10 days.
She's selfish as fuck.
I'm sorry. I am just not buying this teens are selfish thing.
I think many people condone their behaviour.
I'm sorry. But I think she's extremely selfish. And am starting not to like her at all.
Help!

It's got to the point that I actually don't want to give her any inheritance of his ever. She has treated me badly. Help!

Do not think that she's hurting and this is normal.

Yes she is hurting I'm sure.

But it's not ok. To treat me badly.

What kind of relationship have you had over the years?

Any other siblings?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

It's tricky to determine what's going right now here for you - a bereavement is like an emotional grenade going off and people can behave in the most unexpected ways.

Teenagers are also arseholes.

What has your relationship been like? You sound at the end of your tether OP

No one supportive in my immediate family.

When I say support I mean a little bit of human empathy.
A hug. A loving look.
An absence of nastiness.
Not much to ask.

I agree with you that being 16 is no excuse for selfish and nasty behaviour. Most 16 year olds are not like that

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.

No, I don’t think teens are selfish as default. I’ve had three through this house and none of them have been particularly selfish. I’ve always hard pretty high standards for thoughtfulness, helpfulness and teamwork since they were tiny and it’s worked well here, though every family is different and I’m not saying they (or I) are perfect.

It sounds though like her behaviour, and that of your DH, has been poor for a while before your Dad died. What were all your relationships like before this?

Your primary problem here is your DH. He needs to be supporting you, showing you some love, being there for you. He is your support person, not your child. He also needs to pull DD up when she’s being unkind, if you’re not feeling up to it.

Yes should be kind to you, but not as your first go-to person for emotional support. Your DH should be that person.

Dont beg her for affection though. That’s not going to help.

Yip, a bit of straight talking wouldn't go a miss, time to burst that bubble and not everything is about her.

This, I have to admit her attitude seems bad but expecting this off her also feels wrong.

Sure there should be a basic expectation of civility but maybe think why she is like this?

You are the grown up

Teens tend not to have much empathy for anyone especially not mothers as they are under the impression mothers can deal with everything. They can be self-absorbed and a bit callous at 16, often dismissive of the impact of loss on others. Does not make them vile or narcissists. As others have said your partner should be the one you turn to for emotional support. I don't know how “begging for love” looks or how that might seem to a teen, if you mean you are upset/crying a lot and expecting your daughter to step up to comfort you this may be outwith her comfort zone because its a role reversal in her world.

Losing a parent is incredibly hard at any age, you should talk to an adult who has been through that experience to help you manage your grief.

I don't have any particular words of comfort I'm afraid, but just wanted to pipe up that I know exactly what you mean.

My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 15. It was a hellish time (34 years ago though), but I did whatever I could to try to support my mother through the initial shock.

My two eldest DCs (now 25 & 16) are hugely empathetic - I'm interested in their lives and, equally, they're interested in mine.
I started a new job today - both messaged me to send wishes, etc.

My youngest, DD(nearly 15), has just been kicking off yesterday and this morning, because my working hours are now inconsistent with what fits in with her plans - mainly around providing lifts/money.
I arrived home earlier and, no sooner had I stepped in the door, she was complaining about her lot.

Op, I agree, teenagers aren't inherently selfish by nature. My eldest two aren't remotely selfish, so it's presumably not a parenting issue?

Sorry, no words of comfort. But I get you.

Understand its role reversal.
But I think some hugs and some kindness is good.

Yes maybe it is all husbands fault.

Maybe it is.

@JockTamsonsBairns thank you xx.

The loss is huge with my dad.
Was going my DD 16 could just give a bit of warmth. Need some family love to fill the gap.

Or at least a tiny bit.

This is why 16 year olds are classed as children and not adults. Because they aren't adults. You're still protecting them not relying on them to look after you. That will come years down the line after having their own kids. You don't see things like a 16 year old does so don't expect a 16 year old to think like you do

Leave. Just do it. It doesn't have to be forever. But it will give you the space and peace to grieve. And maybe give them the kick up the arse that they need.

I disagree. Is she fundamentally nice, and emotionally astute? Have you talked to her about how you feel and what you want? Because not all teens are nasty. Can be a bit selfish, but should be nice people, fundamentally. My ds2 is a sweetie. Yes he can be a pain, a Pratt, but basically he's nice. (Btw I have had my fair share of problems, particularly with ds1, so am not putting myself forward as any sort of good parent btw).

Isn't your dd? Nice? If not, why is that? Presumably you've known about her personality for sometime and your parenting during the primary and secondary years has been questioned before, ie had she always been like this? It presumably hasn't come as a shock. What do you intend to do?

Sorry for your loss. I'm so fed up of this mythical, 'get out of jail card' for moody teens. It just leads on to needy adults who will still be suckling. Your child and husband should be supporting you. I'm surprised she didn't get an onion out at the funeral and start wailing to make it all about her whilst simultaneously instagramming.
Next time she's draped around her dad, ask her what she would feel like if he was suddenly gone - for ever.

Also where the heck is your Dh on all this. Where's his love for you, his emotional support? And him, taking her to task?

If at any time I'm (rarely) struggling, ie my diabetes, or say being made shittily redundant on Christmas Eve, my Dh (who is a diamond btw) would step up and if he heard either ds1 or ds2 say anything other than 100% loving, he would take them to task and berate them for being anything other than loving and supportive to me.

This sounds really hard OP. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Dad. Agree with others DH needs to shape up and support you - be interesting to see how her behaviour might change if his does .

This doesn’t sound like normal behaviour for a 16 year old at all. When I was 16 I was working part time at McDonalds and giving my mum money (my choice) to help her as a single mother. I did everything I could to make our life better. Literally everything, I had massive empathy and appreciation for my mum.

OP I think you should just leave. And if your daughter and husband don’t give a shit, then you have your answer. You just need to restart your life and cut them out.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

A parent dying can really be difficult, and although my dad died five years ago now I still find myself thinking - ooh he'd love that and then feeling a wave of grief.

It might help to talk through your feelings with someone. Do you have siblings that you could ring and share memories of your dad? Is your mum still alive?

Ideally your DH would be stepping up and supporting you. Sounds like that is not the case.

Unfortunately some teens do find death hard to deal with and while some are very empathetic and supportive others either retreat into their own grief or act up because they feel insecure as a result of the death.

It sounds like your teen is having her own struggles with the situation.

I think even though of course it is hard, it's important to remember that it's not on her to comfort you. You are asking a teenager to have the emotional intellingence of an adult, and she isn't there yet. It's like being angry a toddler can't run a 5k. And yes, there'll be ones who can, but just as many who can't. Yet she is the one you are angry at, rather than your husband.

She has lost her grandfather and she is probably clinging to her dad because your own behaviour is a bit scary to her. When we grieve for our parent, it's often the first time our children will see us as being unable to cope.

And she will know you don't like her too - so of course she will again move towards her father.

It's him you really have the beef with, so I wonder why it's not him your anger is directed at.

It sounds like it's your DH who has let you down here OP. I'm not sure why you are focusing on your 16 year old when it's your DH who made a commitment and vows to you for this sort of love and support.

At 16 if my DM had started pleading with me for love it would have really freaked me out and that would probably have made me withdraw from her. Not because of being a selfish narcissist but because of being in a situation a teenager can't always cope with.

You need to seek out support from a more appropriate place than a teenager. I'm sorry your DH isn't stepping up here though.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I ask this kindly…

Is watching your daughter and your husband emphasising the loss of your Dad and your close relationship with him?

Are you resenting your daughter for still having her Dad?