Is this it?

[Turtlerunner]

Wide awake, feeling low again, just need to say how I feel. Long history of depression & a host of different ADs. Now menopausal. Anxiety through the roof, struggle to get out of bed & drag myself to work, life feels meaningless despite having a lovely husband.

People have suggested HRT but I didn't cope with contraceptive pill (high blood pressure, migraines, wild mood swings(. I feel like menopause has brought back all the chaos of PMT but x 100. My sickness record at work feels terrible, losing at least a couple of days a month due to feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety & hopelessness that I can't face facing people (client facing role). I'm worried I'll be hauled in about my sickness. I usually claim migraines even if I'm just low. I feel huge shame at not being able to manage.

GP hasn't checked meds since covid. Hard to get appointments & just get fobbed off anyway. Had counselling several times which helps but can't afford it now. I've often felt I might have PMDD as symptoms would be awful 10 days before my periods then it was like a weight lifted as soon as my period started. Now that I don't have periods I feel life is chaotic & these periods of deep despair come out of the blue. Anyone had any meaningful support with similar?

I can't afford private healthcare & whenever I've spoken to a GP I've just been fobbed off with 'you're just depressed'. At times in my life I've had depression eg during an abusive rship, after a bereavement. But I don't feel this is just depression as it seems to be cyclical. I tried to check if it was thyroid related but all generic GP tests say I'm 'normal'. I'm aware they've never done full tests though just the basic UK ones. Life just seems bleak, there's minimal joy & I'm scared I'll lose my job if I keep being off.

How old are you? After 45 the NICE guidelines say HRT for anxiety/depression.
I was against it, but it’s been a good thing for me. At least consider a 3/6 month trial.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten OP. Your GP sounds unhelpful - can you see a different GP at the practice? As you've identified that this is cyclical it sounds like HRT may be helpful and I would expect the GP to at least consider it as an option for you (you can bring up NICE guidelines at your appointment if they try to fob you off again). It's hard to advocate for yourself when you're depressed, anxious, and exhausted but you deserve better treatment than this.

If counselling has been helpful in the past, is self referring for NHS talking therapy a possibility? Services are patchy, I know, but I have self referred before and had two short courses of counselling (one was CBT, one non CBT counselling) with minimal wait time.

Regarding work, are there any sources of support there in terms of employee health and wellbeing? Obviously I've no idea what sort of organisation it is, but I would expect any decent employer to want to support you to keep you in post.

Do get back to the GP in the first instance, if necessary write down your symptoms and make a note of the NICE guidelines to guard against being fobbed off. That's not good enough.