PTSD from parenting?

[Captain1822]

Please be gentle with me, I know this sounds ridiculous but could this actually be a thing? Or maybe just anxiety disorder?

For context I was diagnosed with PND and PNA following the birth of my son, have a long history of depression and anxiety and currently awaiting a diagnosis for autism (may be relevant, may not).

I struggled so much adapting to motherhood when my son was born, the changes sent me spiralling but I feel like I’ve finally found my feet 18 months down the line. Now we have more good days, we play, we bond and life no longer feels like a terrifying loop anymore.

However, our next door neighbours have a 4 month(ish) old baby and every time I hear the baby cry at night I go into complete panic mode. My heart races, I get palpitations and sweaty- like a fight or flight response is happening inside of me. This has just happened again 30 minutes ago and I’m still tucked up in bed shaking like a leaf as I try to steady my racing heart rate.

Logically, I know it’s not DS as I’m watching him sleeping on the monitor nor is it my responsibility in any way but I can’t seem to shut off from the cries, I’m completely triggered and spiralling.

My PND peaked around 3/4 months after colic and to this day night wakings still occasionally trigger me as it’s when I was at my lowest.

Other examples of triggers;

• The thought of having another baby makes me feel physically sick, even when it’s brought up by well-meaning family members or friends.
• The theme song from a TV show I used to watch daily when I was at my lowest point still causes vivid memories and the same panic attacks. It’s like a blind, rising panic and a weight in the bottom of my stomach.
• There are some photos of DS I cannot look at because I remember the horrible memories behind it, what I was going through at the time.

I’m not really sure what to add, there’s definitely more but I’m so tired. I guess I just needed to get this out as I came down from yet another panic attack. Is this something I could seek therapy for or would I be laughed out of the building?

Thank you for sticking with me.

Absolutely speak to your gp tomorrow you'll never be laughed at. Therapy and maybe meds if you're open to it...

It sounds like it honestly. The big main symptom to be diagnosed with PTSD is flashbacks/reliving the trauma, however it doesn't have to be like you're reliving it as a movie in your head. Emotional reactions - such as you having a panic attack when reminded of the traumatic time - count as flashbacks.

Anything traumatic can cause PTSD. If you found early parenting very hard and traumatic, then you absolutely could have it. No, you wouldn't get laughed at. I've had lots of therapy and most therapists are lovely people who only want to help you.

Maybe visiting your GP would be a good first step? The GP won't laugh at you either.

It makes perfect sense what you are saying OP and I remember feeling something similar after my first...which was an emergency section...more that I was thinking academically, are women supposed to just crack on after this trauma??

I wonder whether this might be a case where the choice of labels (PTSD versus, say, anxiety disorder) might not be a source of insight, or a way to help you or your healthcare professionals determine the best treatment options.
It is so tempting to focus on labels. We think that finding the right label is, in itself, a step forward when often it just isn't.

I am having psychotherapy for a combination of anxiety and depression which may have its origin in part in cPTSD but the exploration does not involve labelling and in fact tries to adopt a more fluid, open approach.

It is striking how often different health professionals will label the same set of phenomena in different ways. For example my son, who had diagnoses of both autism and schizophrenia, encountered many diagnostic interventions in which (depending on the particular bent of the practitioner) his difficulties were ascribed to his developmental disorder (autism) or to his mental health challenges.
It was like multiple people in a thick forest seeing the same building from different angles. I don't think that some of them were getting it right and some of them getting it wrong. They were each just looking from their own vantage point. And the words they used were less important than the strategies they felt inclined to offer (which didn't seem to systematically correlate with the labelling they preferred).

Another thing that occurs to me is that, if you do have PTSD, OP, the trauma that provoked it seems not to have been the objective events of parenting as such, but rather the anxiety that you suffered at the time.
What is the distinction, really, between the original anxiety and the traumatised memories of that anxiety? How can this distinction be usefully spoken of in terms of two different disorders? How might it inform treatment? It seems best to focus on that last question, as the only possible relevance of the labels. In practice, then, it might come down to something like "Do I want to try EMDR?"since in practice the other treatment options would be the same regardless of the label.

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate your replies! I wholeheartedly agree that it’s not the label that matters but rather how to go about getting the right treatment.
As Pp has said, I realise that it’s linked to my feelings previously rather than the actual memory itself which again I completely agree with. Up until last night I’d not linked it in my mind that it could be more than just lingering PND as I didn’t register how badly I’m affected by the triggers.
I know the trauma came from a complete personal burnout of denying myself and my needs and doing what I thought was right, to be the best mother I could be. I realise now that though we do have to make sacrifices, I should not have stripped myself of everything especially taking into consideration my ND behaviours. Having a colicky baby on top of this and being isolated with very little support was the icing on the cake and I do think it has imprinted as genuine trauma on my mind, hence the very strong reactions I feel.
I didn’t explain myself very eloquently last night so thank you for persevering through my panic attack mess post!

It wasn't a mess post. xxx
I hope that you can get the help that you need

@GoodOldEmmaNess Thank you! Xx