Parenting

[whatami2]

I am 39F, DD 4. I have had issues all my life due to a poor upbringing- being raised by an anger filled father, walking on eggshells, emotionally neglected, etc.
most of the time I am ok, I am loving and play with her. I have a “good” job, workout. 90% of the time I am great apart from some pending sense of doom from time to time, and anger if my routine is changed. I suffer from bad sleep (I think I might have perimenopause but that’s another story) and she wakes up every single night and gets into our bed. Which is tiny and she moves a lot so I don’t sleep at all. Once a month I end up crashing due to sleep deprivation where I am very depress irritable, I say horrible things in front of her. My husband sleeps w her in her room to allow me to get some sleep but then I wake up at 2:30am for no reason at all and don’t fall sleep again.
she is a lovely kid, a bit shy. I loss my temper once trying to teach her to do her homework and I threw her to the floor.
i was on antidepressants until she was 2. I felt no difference to be honest. Also counselling a few times, but I don’t find it helpful. When they call me I’m usually at work, not depressed and struggle to find something to tell them. Then They give me advice, which is like advice from a friend or advice online. I can’t control my anger, when I’m depressed I just moan to my husband and don’t care if my dd is in front, I just want someone to listen to me and feel my pain. Today I said that it would be best if I rented a room somewhere else. We have no family so I can’t even send her to nan to get a nights sleep.

I suppose I want help to avoid ruining her life like my father did with me. I feel like leaving is the best, my husband is very mature and loving but doesn’t have anyone else.

I don't think leaving would help, go back to your GP about the depression to see if they can change your treatment, try face to face counselling where you are not at work and have ton give tour undivided attention, maybe a different sort of counselling/therapy would be more effective? Do you manage to control yourself better when there are other adults around? If so maybe you can avoid being on your own with her when you are feeling down? Have you identified the triggers of your anger so you can try to avoid them? You say you are fine 90% of the time so hopefully with a bit of help you can make it work!

The thing is, I don’t know if I am depressed, it could be CPTSD, perimenopause, my personality, lack of sleep… I also think I am autistic (waiting for diagnosis), I feel like GPs just ask me what I think it is and I am not taking antidepressants anymore because if I was depressed i would have low motivation, which I don’t, my brain is just in flight/fight mode for every small thing. All my contacts with my gp I had to find a diagnosis first online. Instead of referring me to a psychologist or someone to diagnose me properly I get referred to my surprise to counsellors.

It’s very difficult to have adults around me and my dd, since we don’t have any family. I finish work at 5, I arrive home with her at 5:30, how on earth am I expected to do homework, a healthy meal and be in bed by 8pm? I have some friends on the other side of town, but you cannot ask them to come to our house to watch me after work, they have their families too. I am introverted and my house is a complete mess. It would make me more anxious

Triggers of my anger are people doing things I don’t want them to do or making me be late, or not following an order, being noisy and not letting me be quiet fr 5 minutes. Children do this all the time. 😂

Gosh I feel like you are me! I don’t know what the answer is. I hate being angry mum. I like you had an angry dad with an explosive temper, who everyone walked round on eggshells. I have been no contact with him now for years, and my children don’t know who he is. The idea I might pass this onto my children is my worst nightmare. But the reason you are thinking about leaving is because you are so desperate to protect your child. Your instincts are good. You are not your father. But you are also not perfect, though no one is expecting that. Just be there and be your best self, work
on your self, try, and keep turning up. Your daughter needs you.
Interesting that you say about autism. I had what I believed to be PND after birth of first but in retrospect I think it was autistic burnout. I think until motherhood I had micro managed my life to avoid burnout. But once kids came along it wasn’t possible and had a sort of breakdown . I believe I am undiagnosed ADHD and autistic. My triggers are identical to yours. Gaining a diagnosis maybe a good starting point for some strategies to cope. I am still weighing up how I feel about this. The imposter syndrome etc. The tipping point with me is feeling like maybe diagnosis will open up resources to help manage my frustrations, sensory and emotional regulation.
sorry I don’t have answers but just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling like this. Sending deepest empathy as it’s hard. I believe it will get easier as children get older too. Hang in there and try and fill your own cup too.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Small children are annoying and demanding.

You are struggling with childhood trauma which is possibly coming back up due to now being a parent yourself.

You are probably an introvert so time to yourself is not just important - it's necessary to feel like yourself.

You work so have no time to do anything except work and parent.

No wonder you are feeling burnt out.

Some of these things will resolve with time. Your child's sleep will probably improve when they start school and are more worn out. As they get older they will become more independent and les demanding of your attention. So...... how can you improve things now?

How can you get more sleep? Sleep separately to your husband/child? Buy a bigger bed? Put your mattress on the floor with her mattress next to it so she is less likely to wake? Sleeping pills? Sleep away for a night?

The anger. Counselling? A different type of counselling? Different meds? Do kick boxing classes and punch the shit out of punchbags in the gym? How's your diet? Will eating more healthily/stopping drinking make a difference?

Time to yourself. Take time off work and spend it doing stuff for yourself? Sort out your house/do hobbies/read/whatever it is that makes you tick. Get a cleaner? Ask a friend to help?

Analyse the shit out of everything and make some changes. You got this. You are doing better than you think. X

You have to apologise to your daughter when it happens. You say “I’m sorry I got angry. It’s a personality fault I have. I’m trying very hard not to be like this but sometimes I am. It’s not your fault. I love you very much and I want you to be able to tell me when I’m being angry and help me learn to stop. But the main thing is it’s my fault and not yours.”

Also keep plugging away trying to stop.

i agree, @Minglingpringle My Dad has suffered with lifelong poor MH and had said some truly awful things to me-everything from telling me that he wants to kill himself to F-off.

As parents, we have to try and control what we say in front of our children. We have to swallow it as it’s part of our “job” as parents! We can vent to other people, but not in front of our children, iyswim.

If you feel your anger rising, OP, walk away from your child before you say anything. 💐

You threw her to the floor? That is absolutely not acceptable. MN is famous for being understanding when a mother uses violence against her kids but really any violence is wrong. Your daughter is small and biddable at present but if you continue to emotionally and physically punish her she may well disclose this abuse to a teacher.
No one would put up with a Dad using violence against his kids today.
You can stop. You don't behave like this at work. You don't throw colleagues and friends around when they annoy you. You can stop but you subconsciously think you can get away with it. Put a camera on a shelf and record yourself. Knowing you are being filmed may help you to behave.

I wonder how many of the previous posters really believe that throwing a small child to the ground is acceptable? Is it ok for a mother to use violence because she is tired? Is it ok for a woman to behave violently to her child because she is a woman? I am really shocked by the responses on here.

OP, in circle sessions at school they will be taught that violence in any form against them is wrong. Do you want your daughter to tell another adult how you treat her at home when no one is watching.
Again, you don't do it to other adults because you know you won't get away with it. Yet, you justify being aggressive it to a small child because you are tired. You really need to stop justifying it on the grounds that you are tired. Your behaviour is not acceptable.

@Thesquaddogs I completely agree with you.

Thank goodness @stomachameleon . I find it really repellant that so many posters explain away violence towards children if it is being carried out by a woman.

I’d missed that the OP had thrown her child to the floor, that’s completely unacceptable.

@catsnore
You tell a mother who admits to throwing her four year old to the floor because she didn't do her homework right, that she is doing better at parenting than she thinks. Do you also think that a Dad who throws his four year old daughter to the floor is doing really well? Do you think physical and emotional punishment to little children is acceptable?

i Never said it was acceptable to throw a child to the floor. It was the first time I’ve done anything like that and it made me feel so bad that it has thrown me into depression.

thats why I’m asking if there is anything I can do rather than leaving or killing myself?

If your DD comes into your bed every night, could you sleep elsewhere and let your DH co-sleep with her? Even sleeping on the sofa might help you catch up on sleep.

Absolutely nobody is saying violence is okay. But I think if you treat a mother having a hard time who has in crisis done something which by her own admission is not ok, as a child abuser, then what happens next? It’s very naive and judgmental. This person absolutely sounds reflective and willing to take feedback on board. They acknowledged they did wrong and they are seeking support about how to fix it. Your harsh judgment is literally likely to make the situation worse by potentially causing them to spiral.
Everyone wants what’s best for the child. Sometimes you do that by holding the mother. Moderns society forgets this. HOLD THE MOTHER. Stop shitting on other women, respect the job of mothers and acknowledge it’s not always easy. Sometimes we need help. Rather than then just turning your back, shunning, writing people off at the first hurdle. Is that really likely to result in better outcomes for the child?

Thank for the support of some of you. I know it’s not ok and no excuse can be made. I wanted to get out of the room but instead of moving her away gently I pushed her and she fell. I have seen people rough handling their kids in public and I’m never like this, I’m usually a softspoken person with her (which might make her even more confused 😢). It felt like I could see myself doing it, like how can you lose control of yourself like this?
I apologised to her about it and told her it’s never ok for someone to treat her like this.

i will try to put a mattress in the living room. I think it could be burn out or trauma rather than depression. GP is supportive but might think I am hypochondriac at this point.

I'm sorry but the OP threw her daughter to the ground due to frustration. That's physical abuse and she should absolutely make sure she doesn't put herself in a position where she is able to do that again.
That poor little girl, I'm not surprised she's coming into bed with her parents at night to seek comfort and reassurance.

OP - it sounds like sometimes you are kind and loving and sometimes you are angry and raging - that is extremely confusing for a small child. How will she know what will trigger you to be pushing or throwing her and what will cause you to love her?
You clearly need help, and you need to seek it as an emergency. You can't control yourself around your daughter (because if you could you wouldn't be ranting in front of her or hurting her) and you need to address that immediately to break the cycle from your father.
Does your husband know? What is he doing to support her? Can he take sole care whilst you seek help?
Have you told your GP about the incident of throwing your small child or your anger and ranting in front of her? What are they doing to support the child in this scenario?

Of course not. Where in my post did I condone violence?

Op is asking for help. She does not think the violence is ok.

@catsnore
You wrote,

'You got this. You are doing better than you think. X'

You wrote this in response to the the OP's post

I loss my temper once trying to teach her to do her homework and I threw her to the floor.
And
I say horrible things in front of her.

Would you say this to a Dad who admitted emotional and physical abuse to his small child? Presumably the OP manages not to push her colleagues to the floor so she is choosing to do it to a tiny child. To tell her she is doing better than she thinks suggests to me that you are giving the OP the green light to carry on behaving in this way.
I stand by my statement that this is not acceptable behaviour and that you shouldn't be telling the OP that she is doing better than she thinks.
In spite of sleep deprivation, the OP behaves herself with adult colleagues but does behave in an abusive fashion to her small frightened child. She is choosing to do it to a small child because she knows there will be no repercussions. In no circumstances is this acceptable behaviour.