Please help, drowning in regrets.

[Pesquitoes]

Please help. I feel like I am about to implode from 5 years of bad decisions and regrets. Every day I wake up and wish I had done things differently and I desperately need an opinion other than DH's.

I have always been an introverted person and I struggle with depression and anxiety after childhood trauma and the sudden death of my mother when I was a teen. But my life has really gone down the drain since 2018.

In late 2018 I got married and moved with DH from England to Scotland. It was what we both really wanted, but moving meant leaving my reasonably successful job as a legal secretary.

I can see now what a mistake that was. As an introvert, my work was pretty much my only socialisation. It was the place I managed to build up some confidence and actually feel competent.

But leave I did and we moved, temporarily staying with DH's dad and stepmum until we found a house to buy (another bad idea). I had grand ideas of becoming a Virtual Assistant but that never came to pass, and I even had some legal secretary job offers which I managed to spectacularly self-sabotage. In the end we bought a house and I bounced between low paid cleaning jobs until lockdown in 2020.

We had DD in early 2021. DD has had health issues from birth and started having seizures at 4 months old. She takes medication and is currently seizure free but nobody knows what the future holds. I am living in limbo, waiting for a new kind of seizure or problem to appear and turn everything upside down again.

I have been a SAHM to DD since she was born and she is due to start her funded hours at nursery in the next few months. Her behaviour has become increasingly challenging, which is totally normal for her age, but I'm really struggling to cope. Almost every day I wish I wasn't a mum and I am hanging on for dear life for her to go to nursery just for breathing space.

Over the past 5 years, my mental health has chipped away into nothing. DD's health had me dreaming of suicide for a while. Everyday I go over and over how I've fucked up and how much I've wasted and it is eating me alive.

I don't know where to start to try and pull myself out of this. I want my identity back. I want to feel happy again, not like my soul has been sucked dry. DH is, and always has been, very supportive and wants to do anything he can to help but I feel like he just doesn't get it. He has always had a full time job. He gets to chat with other adults, feel useful, have breaks, and to go to the goddamn toilet by himself.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I feel pretty desperate right now.

Hey op, sorry you're feeling so down. I'm struggling to understand what's made your decisions so wrong. Are you not happy living in Scotland? Regarding your dd health it sounds under control and you need to try and live in the now and not worry about something that may or may not happen.

Once dd starts nursery you can look to pursue a new career if you're ready to. It will definitely help to socialise more. You need to take some you time in the evenings. Go for a walk/ have a nice hot bath, do some reading etc.

I suppose I wish I'd made different decisions like actually sticking with one of the legal secretary jobs here in Scotland as then maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped and miserable right now. I just can't shake off thinking about 'what ifs'.

I enjoy living in Scotland for the scenery and the quality of life, especially for my DD, but I feel like I haven't found my place here and I miss my family who are down in England.

If you can afford it, jump on a plane with your DC to some-place with more sun that Scotland. If you stay in EU you will have free emergency healthcare available with GHIC(it sounds like you would worry about that). A change of scene and sun does wonders.
Then come back and plan your new work life for once DC in nursery. Virtual may not be for you if social interaction was important though.
When you have two salaries maybe you can get help with DC and have the break you need.

You haven't fucked anything up. Apply for legal secretary jobs. You will get one. Try some interview trial with a friend. Then you can read some parenting books, start a thread on dd, and address that. This is all easily resolvable. Maybe get some counselling for you.

I’m so sorry to hear things are so hard for you.

The first question must be have you been to your GP for help? Antidepressants can be a great help in some situations. You may need to have tests (blood work etc) to check there is nothing else going on.

Your post doesn’t sound like your past decisions are the real problem. But more the situation you are in now - a young child with challenging health problems and being a STAHM. These are challenging times for anybody but the fact you are basically blaming yourself for how you got here shows that you need help.

I am currently divorcing and my mental health has been bad, but I now seem to have managed to get outside help. It’s taken a while but it seems that once you are on their radar, finding organisations that can help is easier.

I would ring up the NHS italk service. It may be changing its name, not sure. You can self refer. I was given a phone assessment by a qualified mental health specialist and have now been referred to another organisation that is helping me.

Please don’t try to do this alone, you need and deserve help. It’s easy to be put off but don’t be.Ask your DH to help if you need someone to be assertive in finding help/getting appointments.

Great advice from @Iamnotawinp defo speak to your gp.