Pick myself apart

[Jess92xo]

For context I'm 32 years old, in a happy and healthy relationship. My husband literally treats me like a queen and makes me feel like the most beautiful person on earth. But for whatever reason, my confidence in myself just seems to getting lower and lower in both my looks and personality as I get older. I know that I'm an attractive woman (in a non bigheaded way) but I constantly am finding things that I want to change about myself by cosmetic treatments etc. I think I possibly have body dismorphia as this kind of thing takes up way much of my mind than it should. I have gained a little weight lately and it is just making me want to hide at home in my hoody and tracksuit bottoms.

Separately from that, in the last couple of years I have just found myself shying away from social situations, or not looking forward to them and constantly worrying about how I come across, what people think about me etc to the point where as soon as I leave or I'm home afterwards, I spiral worrying about what I said, replaying conversations in my head that I've just had and worrying.
I don't really drink alcohol anymore for this reason as it made it even worse when I felt a bit out of control / had blurry memories the next day. This isn't just with friends but work colleagues, wider family and in laws. I just feel on edge anywhere apart from at home when it's just my and my partner, or when I'm alone.

I don't really know what I'm asking for to be honest but I just want to chill the f out and enjoy my life! I'm so lucky and grateful to have a lovely husband, family, job and home but my mind is just in constant overdrive about what can I do next to improve my looks, but also wanting to stay home all the time because of social anxiety. 😥

There's a wonderful quote from Judi Dench I saw recently that you might appreciate.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.. Ive been suffering from anxiety and low self esteem for a while and I can relate to what you say about replaying conversations over and over and worrying how you come across even to close friends etc. I understand the gaining weight too as I have gained a stone or so over the last few years and felt myself obsessing about it and thinking "I'm so ugly" etc. Although one thing I'm trying to think about is if losing weight (or having cosmetic treatments etc) would actually improve how I feel about myself or if it's down to how I am feeling mentally? For me, I think it's mostly the latter so I'm going to counselling to work on things in that sense and trying to have a balanced lifestyle so that I feel good and in turn might make me think a bit more highly of myself. It sounds like you might have some anxiety and maybe low self esteem creeping in so might be worth looking into that and see if it helps? Btw I'm 32 too, maybe something about this age 😆

Thanks for such a lovely reply. I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar too, although it's comforting to know I'm not alone in it! I think people generally struggle more than we realise and we think it's just us. I just can't understand where it has come from as 5 years ago when I was mid twenties I was so carefree, outgoing and although I've always had self esteem issues I was a lot more confident and felt "pretty" more than I do now.

You are so right that it comes from within and getting these fixes don't always help. I am definitely someone that loves a bit of self care / looking after myself makes me feel better on the inside as well as the outside but I just don't want to obsess over it and want to feel at peace with myself.

Could I also where you look when seeking this kind of counselling, I wouldn't even know where to begin?

I have bought a few self help / improve your confidence books so I plan to get stuck into those x

@Jess92xo definitely, I always think I am the only one feeling all that anxiety but you're not alone! And totally agree with feeling much more pretty etc a few years ago. I guess it is to do with age too as I think we all find it harder to maintain weight when you hit 30, then wrinkles, grey hair etc.. it's probably normal to feel this way a bit but if it's making you stop wanting to go out then I'd say definitely do something about it 😊

I just googled for local counsellors that dealt with self esteem and anxiety and just contacted mine letting her know what issues I wanted to work on. Not the cheapest but even if you did a few sessions it might help you gain some techniques to use when you find yourself obsessing. I did also go to another counsellor through my employer - might be worth looking into whether your workplace have anything similar?

The books sound good too so hope they help! I also follow a few instagram accounts to help with confidence and body positivity too so maybe have a look on there if you use it xx

I'm sorry you suffer this way, OP. It sounds as those you're always seeing yourself through critical external eyes, and perhaps carrying some really deep anxieties about who you have to be for others.

Counselling could be really helpful here, and whether or not you go for that, I suggest actively doing something to change your relationship with your body over time...A wise massage therapist reminded me recently that to change anything, we have to literally walk a new path in the brain into being just by doing something different. Then we can stop walking down the old path of negativity so often.

I sounds like you walk down the path of lamenting things about appearance and ageing. So walk down the path of appreciating aliveness instead.

My thoughts go to a gratitude practice. Thanking your body each day for 3 good things it is or has done, or that you just happen to like about it and writing them down. e.g. I like my ankles; thank you that you could run and get me to pick up on time.

Easy to say, and more of a challenge to practice but there are loads of resources out there to support with this. Rick Hanson's audible books are a good start.