Totally Fed-Up

[chinchi]

I have a loving DH who is my everything and a 7 month old DS. Life is going really well, yet I cant shake off this feeling of sadness and lonliness.

I lost my Dad in 2001 when I was 16, and I lost my Mum 4 months ago, both to cancer. I am an only child, and have 1 Aunty who I am in contact with. DH is foreign, so his family are abroad. I have only a couple of friends who are close, the rest just old acquaintances (sp) from school.

Im still finding it hard to get over losing my Mum. I often find myself having really vivid and disturbing dreams about her. A couple of weeks ago I dreamt I was having an ultrasound scan, but instead of seeing a baby I saw the image of my Mums face when she had passed away (I didnt see her once she had passed away in RL). Lastnight I dreamt that she didnt die of cancer, but from head injuries caused by an ex-partner attacking her (the ex-partner in the dream never existed in RL). The dreams are so disturbing, I dread going to sleep at night.

Im also tired of the same routine I have day in and day out. Wake up early with DS, feed, play, rock to sleep, feed, play, rock to sleep. I let DH sleep in til 12 as he works late evenings and does the night feed too. I find myself wishing things were different, that I had my independance back instead of just being DS's Mum. I have lost all motivation to go out and do things- I look forward to the days when I know I dont have any errands to do, just so I can stay home and laze all day.

I feel envious of my friends who have careers and go out and have no responisibilities. I took DS to the restaurant where DH works for tea yesterday with a friend, and it took me over an hour to eat a bowl of pasta because DS was unsettled and over-tired, and wouldnt relax with anyone other than me.

I want to enrol on a home learning course, maybe doing event planning, yet they are all so expensive. We only have DH's wage and tax credits and he is working and saving like mad so we can buy a property abroad which we both want so much. I would like to work on a casual basis once my MA stops in May, but with DH and my Aunty working, Id be limited as to who can look after DS.

I just feel Im wasting my life and not getting out of it what I should. Im learning to drive, so thats a start, but I need so badly to overcome the feelings Im having and get myself motivated.

I want to make a success out of my life. I want to be more independent; have something of interest to focus on and maybe turn into a success, yet all I feel at the moment is Im plodding on day in, day out with no bright end in sight.

good for you for having good ideas though - I'm not surprised you're down losing your parents, esp your mum at such am important stage just after having the baby.

I have recently started a distance learning course in event planning with a local college and have found them to be fantastic. I have to fund it myself as I already have a degree but there may be something you can apply for to help and also check out whether or not they have child care available to you or funding for such. just because its at college it doesn't necessarily mean you have to attend the lectures, mine are happy enough with me working through the stuff at home. If you've seen a course you'd like to do its always worth making enquiries

It will get easier when the weather changes, its amazing what getting out to the park can do! I know it sounds silly but we spend most of our time outdoors and winter drags on a bit for us

are you still seeing your HV? she may be able to advice if this is all natural of even if you have a touch of PND?

you're a young mum to a young child and there is no need to try to do everything at once, learning to drive is a great start and thinking about what courses you'd like to do is also a positive step

Thanks dizzy

I see the HV once in a while, and she infact referred my to a pyschologist when Mum was quite bad in hospital which helped a little. I was prescribed ADs once Mum had died (I was also dismissed from work whilst 5 months pregnant, and my DS was born 10 weeks prem) so the GP suggested I was going through several grievances rather than just that of losing my Mum. I decided against taking them though as I just presumed the way I felt was because of her recently passing away.

Thats great stuff about your college- Ill see if there any any providers close to home who offer it. Maybe I can arrange something like you have regards studying at home.

I just want more than anything to be more motivated. I just feel I want part of the old me back. There are so many times I feel alone and detached from the world. I feel shattered, yet get so much help from DH.

Thankyou for your reply x

good grief with all that going on no wonder you were feeling down

there is no harm in trying the AD, I was prescribed them after dd1 and dd2 and felt they helped, its a very personal thing though. I think the fact that you realise you have had a lot to deal with and that you aren't just imagining it all.

I think you're doing brilliantly and to even begin to make enquiries is a wonderful start.

good luck