I've been feeling low for a good while now and I don't know where to start to get me out of this mindset. I'm not even sure if this is the right thread to post this on and I'm not even sure I know what I want from this post. Advice, maybe? I'm not sure.
I have really really poor self esteem. I think it's mainly due to my weight which is really bad. Much of the weight gain (although not all of it) was after taking mirtazapine for 5 years after a serious relationship breakdown. This caused my appetite to soar and although I'm off mirtazapine now I've never been able to shift any of the weight gain. I'm trying to lose weight for both my health and how I feel about myself but I don't know where to start and I just find myself hungry and snacking on the wrong food. I want to go to the GP and ask for advice but each time I've been fobbed off to a dietician who says "just eat better". I already know I need to just eat better but I comfort eat because of how badly I feel and I eat the wrong things when I'm hungry (which is often) because I think I might have a sugar addiction. I feel like the only times I have seen people lose weight and keep it off is through surgery but I don't think I could go to the GP and ask for it because I'll end up allowing myself to be redirected to another service even though I know it won't work. I've yo-yo dieted for years so I know what does and doesn't work but I haven't got the confidence to speak up.
My husband is suffering with ED at the moment (is currently being checked by the GP) so I'm feeling neglected and unwanted. I know that isn't his intention so I'm trying my hardest not to pressure him (and make it worse!) but it's just feeding into how poorly I feel about myself. I know this isn't the reason but I feel like he can't maintain because he's looking at me and feeling disgusted which is how I feel about myself. This is making me feel even worse and continuing a cycle where I'm desperate to be intimate but can't bear to be touched because I'm so disgusting.
I'm constantly anxious about just about everything. I'm anxious about work and regularly have issues where I don't feel good enough. I like routine but work in a job where routine isn't guaranteed. I love my job I just feel like I'm not good at it. My confidence there is bad but do a reasonable job of masking it but it's exhausting.
I'm anxious about the cost of living (isn't everyone!) because I've just recently lost £350 a month so I'm struggling to make ends meet without going further and further into my overdraft. I've picked up overtime where I can but doing it makes me feel more exhausted. Last time I did too much I ended up burning myself out and went off sick, going back on mirtazapine which made me feel flat. We don't have any luxuries, just the basics, yet are struggling financially. We've cut back as much as we can but it feels like it's not enough. Our house is often cold because we rarely put the heating on to try and save money there. We end up buying cheap food and don't eat well because we can't afford it but that's adding to my weight problem.
I feel like everything is all my fault and I'm being crushed under the weight of my guilt and my fat body. I feel like I've just got so many excuses in this post but I really just can't see a way out.