Need some advice - Husband with Eating Disorder/Mealtimes

[ordinarybread]

I've been with my husband M since we were 16 and 17, 12 years, coming up 2 years married, we have a 9 month old together, we own a home together too. I accept he has an eating disorder, I have been around it long enough. He had treatment as a 4 year old but his parents didn't follow up with it and he never had anything else after Great Ormand Street. I have to give context to his eating here, he severely burned himself as a child and that made him fearful of anything hot, so he lived off ketchup sandwiches, marmite sandwiches, crisps and cold chips until he was a teen basically, he is physically stunted from this ordeal.

We are weaning our little, I cook all sorts of meals and I personally will eat anything, I'm hoping this will balance out the issue but I am not sure. Meal times are a nightmare even without a baby involved, M cannot handle texture, he won't get things out ovens, he won't cook on a hob, he needs to be coached and hype himself up to cook. Essentially I have to do all the cooking, if I want anything to taste nice, because he looks horrified if I season things. He pretty much just eats plain pasta, no sauce, chicken breast, frozen chicken, pizza and burgers. He will eat curry as long as there is just curry sauce with no veg in it.. he won't touch fish, eggs, cheese, the only veg he can stomach is broccoli if cooked in a specific way and if anything puts him off, he won't eat anything.
I can't live like this, neither can my son. I need him to cook his own food I think. Simple things like going out for a meal becomes we can only go to safe food places, I know he can't help it but it's not going to do our son any good. Our child is weaning fine, I am doing the eating with him part of baby led weaning where you show them the food is safe to eat, babies tend to accept the food more if you eat it with them, so my husband can't do that because there is only a handful of things he will actually have. He isn't aware yet of his father's eating, yet of course, but as he gets older I can see arguments breaking out, "Why do I have to have all this veg when Dad gets chicken nuggets and chips?" "Why do I have to have soup when Dad can have Dominos?" So what do I do to ensure my family eat healthy food, just continue cooking healthy balanced meals and hope my child chooses to eat, doesn't end up going into meltdowns because his dad is having something else every day.

There are other things I'm worried about that I have no idea where to even begin, my husband battles a binge/purge cycle daily, I won't go into his over exercising obsession here, its too much but essentially he wants to exercise excessively but since having the baby he can't do it as much, already I can see him fighting demons again. I have said to him sternly before "You must get professional help, there is a limit to what I can do here for you, you need CBT etc" He shuts down, won't do it. He says a therapist can't help him as they haven't been through it, they can't tell him anything he doesn't already know. I have tried everything in my power to help my husband, I never put food in front of him anymore that isn't safe food, never ask him if he wants some of what I'm having, I'm used to dinners I cook going in the bin because he takes one look at it and shuts down.

Just need some advice on what others would do, just around meal times, or in general in this situation.

This sounds tricky and I understand you're worried about DS picking up on the fussy eating. But personally I would minimise the issue and tell my son that daddy can't eat xyz because it gives him a bad tummy. Remove the 'good/bad' 'healthy/unhealthy' terms when discussing food with kids as it doesn't mean much to them and you often have the opposite desired effect on them ie unhealthy foods become more appealing. My son is nearly 3 and we don't eat as much together as family as i imagined we would purely because his bedtime is at 6:30pm so eats dinner at 4/5pm. So you might be waiting until school days before your son even really notices your DP's eating habits at the dinner table.

Agree your DP needs help but try not to lay on the pressure too much, it isn't going to help him change he will just likely resent you for it. Supporting each other as parents is what your kid needs the most.

Until he realises he can tackle this problem, that there is effective help available, you can't do anything. The incident in his childhood is locked into his subconscious mind as a trauma but it can be released which would resolve the issue.

In the meantime I think you are correct in that he needs to cook for himself - if nothing else it will allow him to develop a 'relationship' with food which might go some way to helping his fears.

@Eyesopenwideawake @amispeakingintongues Thank you so much

I suppose therapist may not have been through it but there are therapists who specialise in this

Here's hoping he comes round to the idea of reaching out for help

In the meantime as your child becomes more aware I personally would say something simple like daddy has a special diet and leave it at that. They will be used to kids at nursery or wherever having allergies/non dairy/gluten etc I can remember mine coming home saying things like "oh Sophie's non dairy" etc also be aware that whatever explanation you give will be parroted to any visitors/friends/family members so you'd best agree it with him first

This sounds very tough. I am in a similar but not identical situation where I am the one with the eating difficulties due to phobias etc and as pp above said with my children I do just tell them "mummy can't have that as it upsets her tummy" I do have IBS and GERD so we blame on "mummy's tummy condition" which some times is true and others is not but it works for the kids. Would your husband be willing to make a list of his safe foods and look over it and maybe put it on the fridge and then once per month attempt one new food? If he can't bear it then no problem wait a month and try another item but at least he will have tried and one of the items he may find bearable and able to add it on to the safe list - this can help expand the variety without overwhelming so for example if he tried literally one pea in February and one mushroom in March, so on.

I have said to him sternly before "You must get professional help, there is a limit to what I can do here for you, you need CBT etc" He shuts down, won't do it

You must be at the end of your rope OP. What would I do? I'd be frank with him and say that you are no longer able to support him in the way that he wants you to, and he must seek professional help with what is a significant issue that is affecting not only his life, but yours and now the life of your DC.

I'd let him cook for himself, you sort you and DC, and you can explain to them as they get older that dad eats what he does because he's got some big challenges that he's working on to try and be more healthy. He has some requirements for how he wants to live his life, you don't have to all go down that road with him, that would be unreasonable. This isn't your job.

He needs to address the problem. Doesn't he realise he can't live like this, let alone you and your child? It's impacting on both of you but also himself - I can see from your OP that it is a huge source of stress for him re both food and over exercising.

There are so many therapies available. Some are CBT based but there are others. Whilst there are therapists who specialise in eating disorders, I wonder whether a trauma based therapy such as EMDR would help with the root cause of the severe burn, before moving onto to possibly a different, eating disorder specialist.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He has to want help of course, but if you can help him see that there can be a clear, specialised pathway through it, not just a generalised 'hasn't been through it themselves' therapy, perhaps he'll be more open to the idea.

His issues will undoubtedly transfer to your child, and that in itself should be a motivator for him to try and deal with them, rather than pretending everything is okay as long as the world around him caters to them.