Mental breakdown with a toddler

[paintedsnipe]

I’m at home 3 days/week with my nearly 2 year old. She’s great, developmentally totally on track with a strong, confident & sociable personality, but I’m losing the plot trying to look after her- I can’t handle tantrums at all, I can’t handle her climbing all over me all the time, her constant demands, the constant noise and clutter. I have a history of anxiety and depression and this phase of motherhood is triggering both so badly, I’m hiding in my room and screaming swear words into my pillow, I love her more than life but I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to smash stuff or get drunk or sleep non stop. I’m so stressed my body is seizing up and so angry all the time.
We are a low income family so can’t afford childcare until we’re eligible for free hours in September (our jobs start early morning before nurseries open) & although we have some family nearby they work full time. There are other stresses in my life but this feels like the main one right now. I hate the idea that I’m gonna mess her up by her witnesses my depression and mood swings. Help.

@paintedsnipe have you reached out to your gp? I used to feel the same with my wee boy was wee x

Toddlers need to run their energy off. I used to take my 2 children to mother and baby groups every morning and afternoon no matter what the weather was or how badly I had slept in the night. If there arec no local groups try taking her to the playground every morning and afternoon. This stage is very challenging but it shall pass. I hope it helps

Can you take her for a drive? It’s the only time my very needy 2 yr old chills the f out. What about going for a walk to a coffee shop so you can get out for 30min/grab yourself some liquid energy? We do a lot of useless shop trips. We’ll walk around the shops buying nothing, or going to tesco and leaving with one banana. If it’s raining he puts on his wetsuit and gumboots and we head out so he can jump in puddles.

Some days (like Sunday) I feel reallyyyyy lazy and he’ll sometimes have 2 baths. He can spend maybe 20min playing in it so that gives me a break.

It’s honestly so so hard. I really dislike toddlers. It was the same with my first and it’s not a stage of parenting I enjoy. I can’t wait for him to start nursery in September!!

This sounds a bit like sensory overload, I get it too, it's particularly bad with toddlers but it does get better. My children are autistic so I wonder if I also am but even if I'm not I definitely have sensory issues. You might find earplugs helpful for the tantrums. I use Loop Quiet ones sometimes but you can get cheaper versions e.g. from Amazon or just the foam ones from a pharmacy. I definitely recommend getting out of the house every day. Also don't feel bad about using the TV for a break. All my children had an hour of screen time after lunch at that age so that I could rest and be ready for the afternoon. If the state of the house is getting you down can anyone support you to get it sorted at the weekend? We have a garage so I put excess stuff in there out of sight which really helps.

Also it sounds like your partner does some childcare but you do more, would they consider swapping so you're at home 2 days and they do 3? If you feel that would help.

Hi and thanks so much for your replies . @UnbeatenMum Yes I think sensory processing plays a part, the more stressed I get the more intolerable certain sounds become & I’ve always found certain environments (shopping centres etc) really hard to bear. I used to put ear defenders on when she was little but now don’t want her to feel like I’m rejecting her if you see what I mean.
My routine is usually playgroups 2 mornings in the week and meeting a friend at a playground the other morning but this week the preparation/journey/interactions with others have just felt too overwhelming & we haven’t made it- there’s nothing on our doorstep so it’s always a bit of a mission.
the stress has been building for weeks but for some reason it’s all just tipped over.
my partner earns slightly more than me hence the balance of work (& we both take turns to pick up extra weekend work), if we switched (which I’d love) we’d be out of pocket.
but honestly thank you all for replying as if I’m a normal person! this is making me feel less alone.
@Dawn1331 i have a few times over the past year. I got referred to a CBT service which was absolutely terrible and didn’t meet my needs at all (plus I was meant to access it via phone with a needy toddler around!) and SSRIs which made me really nauseous & spaced out. I went to therapy privately for a few weeks but we had some additional expenses and couldn’t afford it anymore. I know what I need- some time to myself, somewhere quiet to retreat to when things get too much, some time in the day to practice yoga and mindfulness- but all that feels impossible with all the demands on me at moment (there’s other stuff I don’t want to get into because it’s outing)

sorry I don’t mean to just say ‘that’s not possible’ to all your suggestions, there’s lots of good ideas here & probably when I’m in a calmer frame of mind I’ll be able to take some of them on. But I’m at the point right now where every suggestion feels like additional demands being made on an already overwhelmed system.

I am sorry to hear life is hard for you at the moment. You tried CBT and anti depressants and it didn't work. Private counselling is very expensive. When I am under a lot of stress I chant a Buddhist mantra Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. You can find info on pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website . You are meant to chant it sitting still and visualising your life goals. When I am short of time I chant it while doing the dishes, on my commute etc. I always feel calmer after 20 minutes of chanting. Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism however it never worked for me. Chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo as loud or as quiet as I like does.

@paintedsnipe cbt didn't work for me either. I found I just focused on it then! It's a journey and one that fir me has had to involve ssris I'm currently on fluoxetine and 3 weeks in x

Sorry to hear that. Toddler are so demanding. I remember having two close together, no time for me until they started school/nursery. As they get older, tv programmes like Bluey etc can hold there attention for 10-15 min gaps.

sounds like you have childcare booked for September, so that is there to look forwards to so you have som for your yoga. Do they have any Mum and toddler yoga classes where you love? There are some in our next town here.

Go back to the ear defenders. Even if you're not quite happy with them, consider it the lesser of two evils.
You say family/friends who could have your dd work themselves.
Can you exchange your labour for childcare with them? E.g. they look after your dd for an hour (away from you), you clean their house for an hour.