Grief during pregnancy, lost my mum at 30 weeks

[FTMInTown]

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant and sadly just lost my mum to cancer while I was 30 weeks. I'm in my mid-thirties age wise.

I've had a straightforward pregnancy so far thankfully but wanted to know if there's any advice for coping with grief through pregnancy and managing stress, or shared experiences if anyone has been through similar while pregnant.

It's so devastating how much she wanted to meet our son. My heart breaks at this thought.

I have a wonderful husband and network of friends but I'm the first of my close and wider circles to lose a parent, and even moreso for it to happen while pregnant.

I can say that going through the happiest (pregnant with son) and saddest (mum passing away) life experiences at the same time has been really complex and everyday is a mix of being excited about our son who is kicking away nicely and dealing with sadness and grief and practicalities like planning a funeral.

If it's not too sad to share, it would also be helpful to know any experiences of if you went to see a loved ones body after they passed and what advice you have for this while I'm pregnant. I'm so torn between what to do about this and my friend wanted me to know that it could be very traumatic for me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How awful. Very different but I lost my mum not long after my son was born and it was during lockdown so, although she got to meet him, she never got to spend much time with him. It’s heartbreaking and I’m not sure what to suggest but didn’t want to read and run.

It can be very difficult losing a parent and one of my biggest struggles was very few friends understood or were there for me.

I would maybe ask your midwife if she can refer you for counselling. Feel what you need to feel, but continue to nourish yourself and your baby by eating well and getting plenty of rest.

🌺

I am so very sorry, deep condolences for your loss 💐💐

May I ask, as a place to start from, what are your feelings at the moment about seeing your mother's body? That's if you even know and feel able to say here x

I'm so sorry you went through that so soon after your son was born. That must have been so hard without much support.

My initial reaction for the past week was to definitely go but after my friends advice (she told me so I don't have a big shock) and something my boss said about the process I've started being scared to go since last night.

Thank you both for replying

I lost my Mum just over a year ago, I have 4 children, my youngest was 2 at the time and she absolutely adored them all, I still get tearful at the thought of her not seeing them grow up.
I did go and see her at the chapel of rest, I was undecided but decided to go, mostly to support my Dad. If I'm honest it didn't help me at all, I've blocked the image of her there from my mind now, I just try to remember her when she was alive.

I saw that you were unsure about whether to see your mum at the chapel of rest. I was unsure too, very undecided. I did go but it made no difference to me, possibly because I went with my dad and I might have been better going off on my own where I could have spoken to her. I didn’t go until nearly two weeks after her death (lockdown rules, second lot) and I put a photograph of my son in her coffin with her. Maybe you could put a baby blanket in or a photo of both of you. I’m not sure, but what I wanted to say is that it’s not scary. It’s not great but I don’t have nightmares about it or flashbacks. Maybe it’s because I saw my mum dead though as we were allowed to be there when she passed. That was harder - in fact that was bloody traumatic. Whoever said death was peaceful was lying - it’s absolutely not.

I look at my son sometimes and think he’s part of my mum’s legacy. It brings a lot of comfort and I talk about her to him and tell him stories. He’s four now and he has got me through such a difficult time and filled my life with happiness and hope. My son has a learning difficulty and doesn’t speak yet and I know my mum would have been the best support system - she worked with autistic people herself, and that hurts so much. I’ve really needed her these past few years.

the journey ahead will be hard but keep reaching out and I would be happy to keep talking privately if it would help at all. It’s such a difficult time losing a parent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this at what should be a very special time (which obviously it still is but it’s now a very painful time too).

I had this with my dad, he died of cancer too and the stress was awful in the pregnancy seeing him so unwell and suffering so much . However thankfully I got to stay with him in his final months as I was signed off with pre eclampsia (likely the stress didn’t help) in some ways, it was a relief when he passed (knowing he was free from the pain) but to this day it haunts me how upset he was when he learned he would be dead before the baby came. My advice to you is give yourself all the grace possible and allow yourself a chance to grieve. You are not just grieving the loss of a parent it is what could have been too, and the fact your baby won’t have them as a grandparent. It is so hard to do this pregnant as you are so hell bent on getting on with things and the pregnancy is such a distraction. I think In a lot of ways that saved me too, I was so focused on that. The pain of losing a parent is dreadful and it will hit you at all the little milestones so be prepared for that as best you can. I found it so tough when my baby did all her firsts. I did sit with him in the hospice after he died too and I think it did help me but that’s such a personal thing to decide if it is right for you. I also had a scan picture put in with him when he was buried and that also gave some comfort. So so tough though.i will say as time passes, the grief does get easier to manage but my god you miss them! I also struggled when the baby was born with telling my mam, it was upsetting knowing it was just her and not my dad. I’m also mid thirties so it felt like we were all robbed when he died, because he was quite young and only turning sixty. I like to think he is still around in some way, even if we can’t see him!

im so sorry you have lost your mum at such a key point in your life. I was also 30 weeks pregnant with my first when my mum died. She had been ill for a while (recovering from cancer) but was excited about being a grandmother again and her death came as a surprise. It was too late by the time I got to the hospital. I didn’t get to say goodbye and that haunted me more than anything. I was allowed to see my mum as soon as we got there…I remember holding her hand. It was so smooth and still warm. She looked calm and just like she was sleeping. We were ushered out quickly and I never saw her again. She was taken to the undertakers where they prepared her for burial and I was asked if I’d like to see her, but I chose not to. I’m not sure why but some strong reaction made me decline. I often wondered after if I should have but 10 years on, feel like it was the right thing to do.
I was so close to my mum but with everything going with the impending birth, it probably wasn’t until my child was 8 months old and I was due to return to work that I was properly able to grieve. I took the time and delayed my return. I miss her every day but I think she would be so proud of her grandchildren now and I talked about her all the time to my children from when they were tiny tots so they now talk about Granny Jenny as much as their other living grandparents. I know she would have liked that.
Look after yourself @FTMInTown x

Hello,
Ive just seen this thread on here. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 20 weeks pregnant in February of this year. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 3 weeks ago. I think I was holding the grief in during pregnancy and now it is coming out. I adore my baby but I am so sad and devastated my mum isn’t here. It’s very tough going. I just wondered how you are @FTMInTown seeing your post has made me feel less alone. I do have amazing friends and family but none have just had a baby. I’m going to look into some counselling as think it might help to talk to someone.