Struggling with everything

[ditzzy]

I just wrote a massive thread pouring out everything that’s piling up on me and accidentally clicked something that made it vanish. That kind of sums it up really, I can’t even get that right.

Trying again to post this…. (I wrote it elsewhere first this time, but it’s not as nicely written)

I’m usually the most resilient person I know, but so far 2024 has just been a complete disaster. All my usual coping mechanisms seem to have gone out the window, to the extent I even failed to post this the first time!

I’ve just stopped taking Montelukast for my asthma because it was causing anxiety, so I know that at least part of what I’m feeling is still withdrawal effects from that which apparently can last for months, but I need to find a way to cope. I just want my own brain back again, it feels like it’s someone else’s at the moment.

DH has a history of severe clinical depression, so I can tell him how down I’m feeling because he doesn’t ever think that anyone could feel worse than him. He’s apparently not ill at the moment (his only problem is me he says).

Likewise telling him how completely exhausted I am is met with the fact he has sleep apnea, so I don’t know the definition of tired.

Work is a disaster. I’m in my dream job, and have been really successful at it for the last four years, but at the moment it’s just got too much. I’m the boss, but have colleagues who can ask me to take extra things on and right now they’ve just all been piling it on. The last few months I’ve been doing 6+ hours back to back teams calls every day, with prep work and actions afterwards for all of them, and still being told I’m not doing enough and not being allowed extra staff to help. I have to keep the spirits up of everyone under me, while hardly being able to keep my own eyes open.

It came to a head last month when I had a complete breakdown in the middle of a board meeting. There were lots of apologies that they didn’t realise how snowed under I was, and how I should take a few weeks completely away, but the next day there was a crisis and they needed me straight back and with extra things to do.

I’ve started applying for new jobs, had some interviews this week, but I’m devastated that I have to.

My DDs are amazing but still wake me up at 6am every day. Me, not DH because he sleeps in a different room with his CPAP machine.

I’m permanently seconds away from just bursting into tears at my DDs because I can’t put a happy face on any more. We’ve done baking, painting and homework so far today, so I’m hoping that gets me a little break.

DH doesn’t work. He does the school runs but virtually nothing else. We got told off at parents evening this week for not uploading homework promptly, I thought he’d been doing school admin but apparently not. He almost applied for a job this week, but he got stressy at the form and I only had ten minutes spare to help him (the only day this week I got a break for lunch I ended up doing this) so he didn’t submit it; which is my fault for not helping.

We were meant to be moving house before Christmas, but that’s now date-undetermined (should still be before Easter). Just another thing that’s not gone to plan.

The nearest family is hundreds of miles away so can’t help, and my best friend is amazing but is struggling with her own MH at the moment so I don’t want to land this on her any more than it already is.

Anyone who’s read this far - thanks! Anyone with any tips at all on staying afloat until the withdrawal effects go away and my normal ability to cope with everything comes back, I’m open to any suggestions….

I’m not sure I have any tips or good advice but it sounds like you’re under immense pressure. Just moving house would be enough for me to feel extreme anxiety. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I suffer from anxiety and hoping to find tips on how to handle it. Hopefully there will be people a lot wiser than me that will come along to help. In the meantime, you sound amazing and I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. ❤

Hi OP, Sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, you are dealing with so much. It sounds like your DH is leaving you to manage everything because he is wrapped up in his own issues. That is really selfish of him so I’m wondering if you would be better off on your own. Does he actually contribute anything positive to your life?

Oh poor you, sounds like a lot of pressure and not surprising you are having trouble holding it all in. Have you thought about talking to your GP about antidepressants/anti anxiety meds to help you even for a bit to take the edge off

Thanks @ClaireEclair just hearing agreement that it’s tough does really help me. Because I’m known for never letting anything get to me, everyone around me brushes my problems under the carpet. I never feel heard in real life.

When he’s well, DH is wonderful; but he’s been struggling ever since being laid off at the end of the first lockdown.

He’s actually been in the room during a couple of really tense work calls I’ve had (I mostly work at home) so does realise the work side of the pressure and has commented on it a few times.

I don’t think he realises how much it’s got to me though. I’m not sure he’d be supportive if he did, or whether he’d go into his own self preservation mode.

What does your H bring to the table other than *DH has a history of severe clinical depression, so I can tell him how down I’m feeling because he doesn’t ever think that anyone could feel worse than him. He’s apparently not ill at the moment (his only problem is me he says).

Likewise telling him how completely exhausted I am is met with the fact he has sleep apnea, so I don’t know the definition of tired.*

Think the unthinkable.

After the meltdown at work I went to the pharmacist for a general check over, and their report flagged the asthma drug to come off and they reported the whole event to the GP. I’d actually gone in just asking for a blood pressure check but that wasn’t too bad.

The GP requested me to make an appointment, but can only offer telephone appointments and only on the basis of being called at any time between 2 and 6pm (and you have to answer first time). They can’t specify a time. I don’t see how any working person can make an appointment! So at the moment, I haven’t even had that follow up.

I might try again to try to get to that to the nurse.

To be honest though, as I’m sure it’s the asthma drug that left me unable to cope now, I’m just a little terrified of taking anything that might interfere with how I think.

If anyone has ideas of food types or anything like that that might help I’d be interested (I’ve cut right down on caffeine and alcohol already because of this)

I get that you are looking for tips to help but food/supplements/gurus/videos are only going to be sticking plasters on a broken bone. Make tine for that GP call, whatever it takes. You would do it if was for your children or your husband so do it for you.

@ditzzy - how are you doing?

Thanks for thinking of me @Eyesopenwideawake , still successfully fighting back the tears - but I’ve had the kind of week at work that feels as long as January.

Sending you a hug and a bunch of tissues. If you want to talk through possible options for your own happiness ping me a dm.

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake I’ve sent you a message.

I did see a psychotherapist for a few sessions about 15 years ago when I was leaving my ex-H; so I have considered that again, but my experience with that was overall positive, but with everything thrown up in the air frequently so made me more vulnerable short term - which would be really high risk if I did that at the moment. I did look up options for that a few days ago though.

I’m also fairly sure that the only reason I can’t just breeze through this level of stress is because of the side effects from the drug (now withdrawal symptoms from) so I don’t want to do anything hasty if actually I just need to wait it out.

I just need a safe space to scream in the meantime without causing trouble in real life.