PTSD confusion

[Sofahugs]

Hi, I’ve experienced multiple abuses in a short timeframe of childhood (6-9). There was different adults involved. I made a huge mistake when spoke to a “friend” when I was 13. I told her I was confused, but I thought I was raped by a uncertain person . She didn’t believe me, pushed me for specifics, as to who, and feeling under pressure I was
more definite than I should have been on the “who”. Next day I told her I made a terrible mistake, I was confused, but she just took me for a liar.

20 years on, we are no longer friends, and I realise she has told so many people about my “lie” . I honestly don’t know how to get past this, I’m genuinely HATED by the masses, I never had bad intent, I’m just confused. How can I get past this, so many people hate me, make snidey comments, make my life difficult etc. I don’t want to tell everyone the details to be judged again, but can’t see any other option where people will see I’m not a bad person.

There’s no way out for me here, I’ve been labeled a liar and saying I’m confused only adds fuel to the fire. If I didnt have children I would just finish it, there’s no point to me. But I won’t pass my suffering on, I need to carry on.

You confided in the wrong person. I’m so very sorry. I know from experience how you are feeling about this too. I am an online stranger but I ABSOLUTELY believe you. I think you need to look up C-PTSD and what that does to memories formed by very young children. It would be good to share this information with as many of these people as possible after you have had enough specialist therapy to feel strong enough to cope if they choose not to. I would also make a special effort to explain to the person you confided in that due to the nature of your confidence and their lack of understanding of C-PTSD, their reaction has affected you socially and personally and sabotaged your cry for help at the time. Because of what happened you did not feel that any attempt to press charges on the real perpetrators would have been futile.
Why do I know this? My own real memories came flooding back when I was especially vulnerable after the death of my mother. I had been stuffing them into their hiding spot and changing the story since I was 14 - so older than you were at the time) and I needed a lot of urgent therapy. It took a while but I am through the other side now. I hope you have supportive people in your life and focus on that rather than historic lack of support.

Thank you. I’m sorry for your suffering.

in some ways I’d love to speak to her/confront her, but the thought of her sniggering face just puts me off.

ive looked into cptsd, I’m sure I’m affected but just not sure I want to raise my head above the parapet and ask, it all just feels like judgement and I can’t take that and stay strong at the same time. I just wish I could remember clearly, be decisive, but I’ve been trying for so long and it never comes. I’m hoping one day I get that eureka moment, where I’m sure, but It’s not happening yet.

That sounds very distressing. And it also sounds like you are possibly still living in the same area and surrounded by the same people? It think it will probably be better for you to protect yourself from these people rather than confront them and risk their responses feeling like a further rejection.

There is absolutely a point to you. Your past contained an awful set of events that shoudlnt have happened to you, but they dont define who you are. You have value

I think you need to separate the two issues. The abuses you suffered were horrific and it would be very beneficial to get some help processing what happened to you.

You were, very understandably, upset, hurt and confused by what happened to you, so you reached out to this friend. At 13 she wouldn't have known how to respond or how to deal with what you told her - then when you backtracked (I guess after you realised what effect this revelation had on her?) she was even more confused and reacted badly by assuming you had lied.

20 years later you are still suffering - this is still, again understandably, a huge thing in your life. It won't be the same for her, or for the other people who got the story third hand. Are you certain that the 'masses' are still thinking/talking about it, twenty years on? Do you think that if you could get help with the original trauma that you could cope with any ongoing gossip?

@Sofahugs - the foggy memory is a child’s way of protecting themself. If you want to remember, or want to diffuse the memories you do have so that you are less affected by them, I can honestly say that EMDR therapy really worked for me. It’s expensive and hard to find, but it works quickly and has made permanent positive changes for me. *I can’t recommend anyone specifically though. I live in Aus.

I’m sorry for the delayed response, today has been a struggle. I understand the theory of fuzzy childhood memories, but I just find it hard to forgive myself still. I know edmr is a possible treatment, and it’s encouraging to hear it’s been helpful to others, but it is expensive. I’m trying to hold it together, but also make myself better, it’s a difficult balance.

thank you to those who have replied, it’s been nice to hear some understanding. Good luck to you on your recovery ❤️‍🩹

There's nothing to forgive yourself for - you did nothing wrong. Please believe that.