Feeling too fragile to be a shoulder to cry on now

[BroadshoulderedB]

I'm struggling with my mental health at the moment, feeling overwhelmed and a bit hopeless about that changing (got ADHD and the meds don't seem to be helping anymore). I can't sleep much, always feel like there's so much to do, and feel guilty everyday that I can't do the things I need to do in everyday life. Underachieving constantly is getting me down and Idk if I can face living decades more like this.

I have one friend in particular who depends on me as a listening ear. I'm glad they think of me as a caring person and feel comfortable opening up to me. I'm not the only person they talk to though, they discuss things with others too.

And now I'm not sure I can be one of those people wherever they need it. Esp when it's about a bad relationship they keep returning to (not violent, however their partner (f) is sometimes unstable and I suspect might get violent with me if they think I'm telling my friend to break it off!). Or calling me at midnight when they know I'm trying to go to sleep, to tell me they're upset that their friend received bad health news, which immediately made me anxious and had me waking up all night. I'd already spent the whole day unable to eat from anxiety and I felt my heart rate go up immediately when I should have been winding down to sleep.

If I tell them about stuff I'm going through it's a very short conversation, whereas they can talk for ages about their own problems, or how other people's problems are affecting them.

I've had a few friends from other circles die in the last couple of years, from different causes (I'm not old enough yet for this to be expected however, each one has been a tragedy really) and I'm a bit on the edge myself sometimes, but I don't really talk about it with people. Sometimes I ring the Samaritans and that helps me.

How do I draw a boundary here, and explain that I can't deal with my friend's problems at all hours of the day and night, without feeling guilty or coming across like a bad friend? Maybe I am a bad friend, but I am honestly having to convince myself to stay alive some days and this isn't helping me. I don't really want to tell all about my issues though, esp when it doesn't seem to stay on topic long enough for me to get any comfort from it anyway.

How do you shift a dynamic like this? Any advice is appreciated.

First off, have your phone on silent during the night. Let calls go to voicemail if you don't feel able to deal with her problems.

Encourage your friend to seek professional help for her issues - tell her you're not a therapist and you worry that you'll give her bad advice so, for her own benefit, you'd rather not talk about it. Keep repeating this message and don't get drawn it.

Next get some professional help yourself to help deal with your own problems, especially the sleeping. What does 'underachieving' look like to you? By who's standards are you judging yourself?

You are fine to set boundaries in the situation you describe. it would be a good idea.

I just googled ‘How to set boundaries with friends’ and loads of helpful resources came up. Maybe spend some time watching some ‘setting boundaries’ YouTube videos and then set out exactly what you want to say based on that advice.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds like you’ve dealt with a lot over the last few years.

I think it’s ok to be honest.

’Normally I love being there for you and I’m really glad you come to me. For some reason I’m struggling recently and I’m finding it hard to deal with things. I might not be able to be as supportive as normal for a while but it’s not that I don’t care - I do, I just need to look after my own mental health too. Hope you can understand and sorry if I’m not there as much for a while. Still keen to do normal things though and focus on positives just struggling to cope with the hard stuff right now’

Worth a try? Sometimes people get into habits of leaning on others but she might appreciate the chance to be supportive back.

You mentioned that you sometimes call the Samaritans. Could you mention this to her a) it's sound advice b) it sort of lets her know you can't be the sounding board any more and c) it's unless she's wildly imperceptive then she should realise you have your own stuff going on, too

Thanks for replying.

Yeah I shouldn't have answered the phone that late. They weren't alone or distraught and they knew I was trying to sleep. Sometimes I think this person likes to tell me "news" and talk about how it affects them, without thinking about how that affects other people. It's also always framed as them "getting bad news", when really they're learning about their friend's frightening diagnosis or suicide attempt (which I might already have been told about, but I've not told them or anyone else about, as it's not my news to share). I find it a bit unempathetic of them to frame it that way if I'm honest, like it's an appeal for me to give them sympathy, rather than us both sympathising with the person who is suffering first hand.

I've encouraged my friend to get help but they never do. They do praise me for things I'm doing to deal with my problems but they won't do anything themselves.

By "underachieving" I'm talking about my own standards. I mean, I have the intelligence to do things, and the desire, but not the executive function. It's the most frustrating thing and I'm seriously looking at a dignitas type situation for myself if things don't improve.

Thanks for replying. I've looked at this kind of stuff in theory but I'm not very good at it in the moment. Like, if someone calls you up and says that they need to talk, I just don't know how I would say no. Isn't that what friends are for? Or they just announce they have bad news, idk how to tell them to stop talking about it. I will look up the videos though and see.

Thanks for your reply. I do like your suggestion. But, he kinda glazes over when I start to talk about my problems. So I don't think I'm gonna get the same kind of support back. I've mentioned how bad I'm feeling but it doesn't seem to register that it's serious, or that I can't help him right now. I think I'll just avoid for a while.

Thanks yeah I'll mention it next time. See what he says.

I struggle with this too. I was in a psych ward and still felt responsible for sorting out a situation between my mum and sister and counselling my sister on the fall out. Granted they didn't know I was I hospital.

For me this did shine a light on what I was doing to myself by bending over backwards to be there for everyone and neglecting myself. I have learnt that not every phone call and message needs answering. We had a bad run of health in my family with 3 deceased grandparents and a serious accident by my mum in a year plus other stuff so for a while there was fear that every call was bad news so I had to answer just in case now things are calmer from this perspective I know that as long as I don't have multiple calls from my parents and sisters and the milk man and the postman the chances are they are just phoning to check in or vent or gossip. If I'm not in a position to be the shoulder I don't answer, give it 10 minutes and fire of a text and guage the problem and how it ranks compared to my day. I try to timetable a call in for a time when I know I'm going to be more in position to be helpful to them. I still give them more of my shoulders than I some times have spare but it's not as bad as it was!