Yesterday might have been tough but at least I....

[Vibing]

I dont know when this heartache will stop. Its just draining when it starts to ache again....

Im at a weird point in my life. Sons have flown the nest. Relationship broke down. Ive got where I want in my career. Im 46. And my friends are at different stages with children. Parents gone. Family scattered.

Im finding Im really lonely and the ache from it is palpable. I've had a spell where it wasnt so bad. But this past week - my insides are physically aching again. Its like a toothache but in my chest and stomach that palpates like period pains - comes in waves.

Im doing lots of positive things. And when i take stock and look back to see what ive done since my relationship broke down - Ive come far. I felt ready for a nursing home or the scrap heap hahaha. Which is far from true.

So even though logically everything is alright and though Im scared that my best years are behind me and scared of the future and more scared of there being less future.....

Yesterday was tough but at least I....

Reached out to friends instead of withdrawing into myself
I went swimming instead of hiding away
I wore a dress and put on make up instead of leggings and jumper
I took a balanced approach of how far ive come and its far (my insides have to catch up)
I remembered how much time investment, I have put into a job interview for a new job last year. I had stealy focus for it. If I can do that for a job - I can do that for this new chapter of my life. I want more for myself in this next chapter. More than I wanted that that job

And I slept through the night and without the light on. Ive become jumpy in the dark lol like im a little kid again haha

I'm in a similar situation. Following with interest and rooting for you!

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo Rooting for you too! Sorry your experiencing similar. A lovely mumsnetter told me sometime ago. That when your in the dark its not the end of a chapter but the beginning. Youve just been planted and your waiting for your season to come round to grow and bloom. Hope this helps...

Yesterday was tough but at least.....

I went to the gym. Unclear if what i did was effective but I had a go

I went to the local library and sat with headphones and laptop...want to be prepared for work next week

I took the next step with a volunteering thing. A step forward possibly in giving me something for a weekend morning to get up for and be part of.

I went to see a lovely friend and didn't listen to my inner critic saying stay home

I did beauty stuff before bed and no TV

I stayed open hearted and true to myself even though an inner part of me wants to hold on to the anger and see them as straight out as bad. I moved away from black and white thinking.

You are awesome and this is a brilliant way to keep yourself on track. Can I make my own addition?

Yesterday was rough but at least I...

Talked to someone about how I felt
Spent a bit of time and money on myself
Did a good job at work
Made an effort with my make up
Chatted to people in the office

Today I might even...

Not text him
Or at least not text him first
Eat well
Practice my hobby

@WhenWereYouUnderMe yes make your additions....itll help spur me on too. The more the merrier
Sorry your having rough days....roll on the high flying days!! and how much we'll soak them up and appreciate them that bit more...

Yesterday my head may have been all over the place with little focus.....
But at least

I turned the TV off and realised where Id gone awry in my morning

Did an evening gym and then swim. I may be far from my physical goal but a little step closer..

Got out the house during the day and went to the library to refresh over work things....it was closed. I got myself out during day tho
I used my kitchen table - weird it just being me there but refreshed over work things.

Painted my nails (I do not have a steady hand)...

Made plans for today with a friend and to see my eldest DS and fiance

Finally got it, I think, in my insides and not just my head. I maybe able to see the flip side.

A life where Im at the centre with things that fulfill me. Instead of a life of being an add on to someone else (mother, colleague, employee, partner, friend, neighbour)

It sounds like you had a really productive day!

Yesterday was a bit rough but at least I...

I dunno actually. It wasn't my best. Not very productive at work. Text the person I shouldn't have. Ate shit because I got my period.

I can at least rein in the eating today. And I've made it to 11.45am without texting him so you know, baby steps and all that...

Middle age is a very different landscape isnt it, after being so 'needed' by children/partners/life in general. Similar position here with kids flown and doing their own things, live alone with a long distance relationship so only see at weekends.

Do you have any pets? might that be an option? I talk to my cat quite a lot and its just nice to have another presence in the house.

I think yesterday was the first time I put on a dress for almost 7 months.

I am 53 and I had a breakdown in September last year and I have found that it really took its toll on my daily life.

Dressing up and putting make up on is not something I have had energy for so I took it as a positive step that I finally put on something that is not a baggy jumper of a pair of loose pants...

Small steps.

Wish you all the best on turning a corner!

@WhenWereYouUnderMe Your doing better than you think. And what i didnt put in yesterdays message was a big mess up Id made and instead of something costing me a 100, I got a bill for 657. Dohhh

And who gives a flying f....monkey's if you text or not. How about going easy on yourself and try coming at it from a different angle.

Instead of subtracting from your life i.e the food we know we shouldnt too much of and the texting. Try making additions instead.....if you know good people and theyre rare. increase your time around them. If you dont....well, when your ready do somethings to get to know more people and look for the good people. You dont need many and they tend to be drawn to you as your drawn to them. Increase the good food.

If your feeling loss and your trying to subtract. Some people prefer to rip the bandaid off and kudos to them. Im more a diluting the negative with more positives.

@scoobs321 @Startingagainandagain I know exactly what your saying.

Im currently in thermal leggings and baggy jumper haha
and I've seriously thought about a cat and if I still feel the same later in the year, I'll definately get one.

Its the first time ever in my life I havent had the responsibility of any animal or child and in a house, just me.

Even though yesterday went south, at least I.....

Went for a walk with a friend

Found somewhere I actually can see myself getting on the bike and going for ride at a national trust place

Saw my eldest. Felt and feel so proud of him

Spoke with my youngest and he's settled. first time in I dont know how long, im not worrying for either of my grown kids.

Went to the dentist and didnt make a run for it

Yesterday might have been hard hitting

but at least I...

I've taken charge on my finances and have a plan

Spoke to a colleague and feel more prepared for work next week

Made humbling phone calls to gather my options

Slept in my bed

Fake tanned. It might be tough times but I dont need to look pasty aswell lol every little helps

Followed up on a personal project and its giving me a sense of belonging and like i can have an impact, even if small

Drank more water

Spoke with my youngest

And even though Im over 40, ive been having weird type of nightmares nightly. And through the day I'll get a intrusive snapshot of a dream and I get scared of my own shadow. Lights are on like Im 5 lol
I tried a new way of dealing with these yesterday

Even though yesterday was a mixed bag....

I reached out and opened up. Met with support

Im getting back into normal every day rythmns

And forgot how good dippy eggs and toast were