So I'm trying really hard not to let myself fall back into a slump, but the last year has been really awful. Bad period of depression followed by a job which was impossible to succeed in despite working all hours and from which I was fired. That hurt so much as I have never been let go before, never under performed or felt so humiliated.
Had a very difficult episode with my partners son which meant 4 people living in a tiny house for months, us sleeping on a blow up bed, no room for clothes etc.
Been struggling with peri-menopause symptoms and changing body, rapid ageing and trying to manage this with my ongoing deoression (I've been living with it for 20 years, it's a long journey!)
Then last week my partner left me. I knew he'd been down but didn't think he'd just leave. I thought we were committed and just been in a bad patch. We were together 5 years and it was a massive shock. He just packed and left while I was at work.
I dont really blame him if I'm honest. I'm bound to be difficult to live with re my depression and add in peri menopause I'm sure he's not been getting what he needed, but I was doing my best.
I'm just finding it difficult now to see a future for myself and nor feel sorry for myself. Not having someone just for me, not having someone who will commit to me long term or have a shared history with. Knowing that I'm such a poor prospect for a relationship I'm unlikely to have a successful one is very hard. Although the thought of being with anyone is awful at the moment.
It's not even my actual partner I'm missing as in the end he proved in a lot of small ways he's not who I thought he was. It's the bleakness of being mid forties and alone and dealing with my crappy illness.
I don't even know why I'm posting really. I just want to scream into the void and get it all down I guess.