Will ADs help? I’m having horrendous thoughts

[Pearlrubydiamond]

For a while now I’ve felt almost repulsed by one of my children which I know is just awful. I’m really not trying to go for shock effects or anything and I am of course doing everything I can to conceal these feelings but sometimes I’m caught unaware and my real feelings are exposé if you like. I’ve been imagining hitting and harming him. It’s horrible - I am confident I would never hurt him physically but of course it’s harmful mentally to have a mother with these thoughts

I can’t open up about it but I am wondering if ADs might help stabilise my mood and have me feel a bit more normal?

I don't know whether antidepressants would help or not, but you certainly need to tell someone about your thoughts. See a GP (tell them you need an urgent appointment, not one in 3 weeks) and tell them - or write it down - and get some help. Good luck.

I’m definitely not going to be doing that! I genuinely don’t think breaking my whole family up is in anyone’s best interests.

Going to see your doctor about debilitating intrusive thoughts is not going to break your family up!

If I tell my GP half of what is in my head they will refer to social services. They will have to, they wouldn’t be doing their job if they didn’t. And SS are not a benign little hand holding service. They also wouldn’t be helpful for my particular problem and in fact would do further harm.

I am posting hopeful there may be help out there

Why and when did these thoughts begin? Finding the root is the key to finding the solution.

How old is your child OP? Could this be PND?

I think some may be postpartum but it is only recently they started to be this extreme and the baby is now 6 months. So I don’t know.

You do need to seek help from your GP.Yes anti depressants will help it it has to be the right ones-intrusive thoughts are horrendous to have - my ds suffers from them and ocd/anxiety..yours could have been brought on by pnd However, you need to be totally honest to get the right help.They won’t call social services but will more than likely refer you for help with pnd as well as treating you with ads.If you want to get better you must see GP-these intrusive thoughts must be awful for you and you won’t be the first person your DR has dealt with who had them.

PND can happen anytime in the first 12 months after having a baby (or so I've read), it does not always happen straight away. Please get help, you won't be judged for it

I would see my GP, but I don’t think it would be beneficial for anyone to dwell too much on the gory details. If I told my GP what really went through my head they would involve some form of further intervention - they would have to when we think of Arthur, Star, many others. My word is just that. Anyway, it is good to know ADs can be helpful for these sort of things.

Reading this makes me think of OCD and intrusive thoughts. My adult DC suffers terribly with them and is seeing a psychiatrist every few weeks and is on a waiting list for therapy. They are taking 3 different meds to calm the thoughts.
I have read up about it and I want to reassure you that intrusive thoughts go after our biggest fears, things, people most precious to us. Thoughts of harming someone you love are common. It does not mean you will act on them, quite the opposite.
It is a debilitating condition and often occurs as part of PND. Please tell your GP. If it helps, write some of the thoughts down for them.

The problem is it isn’t intrusive thoughts. I know what you mean as I’ve had those before, relating to keys weirdly enough. I imagine dropping them down a drain or something. And I’ve imagined things like walking out in the road with the pram or a car hitting my car - they are intrusive and horrible but these are different because I want to do them. I don’t of course but I also do. The best I can explain it is maybe if you’re in a rush and you get stuck behind someone walking slowly and imagine shoving them or similar and while you know you wouldn’t dream of doing it the thought is still quite real.

@Pearlrubydiamond I agree with pp. Sounds very much like intrusive thoughts/OCD. I am diagnosed with OCD and have suffered with it for many years.
I suggest you Google 'Diana Wilson Daily Mail'. Diana suffered with OCD herself and had thoughts of harming her children. It's all in the article and she runs a charity now called maternal OCD which could be worth a look.

The best I can explain it is maybe if you’re in a rush and you get stuck behind someone walking slowly and imagine shoving them or similar and while you know you wouldn’t dream of doing it the thought is still quite real.

That is completely normal. Whenever we do anything we will subconsciously run through all the outcomes we can think of, to weigh up the pros and cons of each. We're generally not aware of this process. But I don't know anyone who's stood at the top of a tall building or a steep cliff and momentarily wondered what it would be like to step off.

Thankfully the subconscious will give us a very vivid image of exactly what would happen should we take that step and we fall back, with a rush of adrenalin/fear at the idea. Lots of people take that thought process as a sign that they are suicidal or having intrusive thoughts - it's not, it's normal.

This is PND. I had similar thoughts. In fact I told my midwife that if I had to continue breastfeeding I was going to throw the baby or myself out of the window – and I meant it. One night she was unusually quiet in her sleep and I thought to myself "maybe she's died and I'll finally get some sleep, thank God". It is very hard for me to admit all this now, but I do it because I want you to know you're not alone. At the time I thought I was just a disgusting, horrible person but actually I was desperately unwell.

I understand why you're afraid to say something but you must. PND can turn into psychosis and that is when you and your baby will be at risk of real harm. I am only here today because my HV turned up early for an appointment and caught me at the beginning of my suicide attempt.

Here is what happened to me when it all came out. I realise not all social services experiences will be the same, but this was mine, and I hope it brings you some comfort and enables you to take that step.

1. They did not take my baby away. This was not even ever mentioned as an option. Nobody for one second suggested I would not be able to look after her. I was treated as someone with an illness who needed help, not a criminal. You are not a bad mother. You are ill.
2. That said, I wasn't allowed to be alone with DD for a short period of time – I think in my case it was about 2 weeks. My husband got signed off sick so he could be with me, and when he couldn't, my FIL came. Although it was hurtful to me when this was suggested, it was also incredibly healing. I knew I couldn't hurt her. And that was the beginning of the thoughts going away altogether.
3. Admitting me to a residential mother and baby unit was discussed, but it was made very clear that this would be my choice and something I would do willingly, not be forced to do. I chose not to, but I met other mums who had been in them and found it a very healing experience.
4. I was assigned to a crisis time with a full time prescribing psychologist. They visited me every day until we mutually agreed to start lessening the visits. The visits were unfailingly helpful.
5. The psychologist worked with me to find the right combination of medications to treat my illness. This took a little while – maybe 4 weeks – but once I was on the right drugs, the change was dramatic and immediate. The thoughts stopped entirely. I was me again. And I slowly started the process of falling in love with my baby.
6. After the immediate crisis, I continued to receive support from my HV, local charities (HomeStart are amazing), a therapist and the local occupational nurse.

Within 3 months I was back to "normal". Within 6 months I had established a wonderful bond with DD and it was as if it never happened. She is 5 now and my entire world, my best friend, the love of my life, everything you hear children should be. Everything I thought I would never have.

You can get past this. But you need professional medical help. Just as if you had a broken leg or cancer or kidney disease. You are ill and you need help. And in my experience it is available. Please ask for it before you reach crisis point. I didn't, and I am lucky to be alive.

They won't refer to social services unless there are other concerns or you don't feel you can control these thoughts.

I know this because I had similar distressing thoughts that I might harm my children.

The psychiatrist told me these were intrusive thoughts and "ego dystonic" which is a fancy way of saying they weren't aligned with my true wishes, feelings or values.

The thoughts were brought about by extreme anxiety and were a form of OCD where I didn't have compulsions but I had repetitive distressing and intrusive thoughts. I had thoughts that if I took another footstep for example that I would die etc.

No one ever raised concerns that I couldn't adequately care for or protect my children. Nobody referred on to social services and I was offered support for my anxiety levels.

And I’ve imagined things like walking out in the road with the pram or a car hitting my car - they are intrusive and horrible but these are different because I want to do them. I don’t of course but I also do. The best I can explain it is maybe if you’re in a rush and you get stuck behind someone walking slowly and imagine shoving them or similar and while you know you wouldn’t dream of doing it the thought is still quite real.

I almost cried when I read this because this is the thought I remember having most vividly. Pushing the buggy in front of the oncoming bus. I can still picture it.

Sorry I’ve unintentionally misled, the horrible thoughts are towards an older child not the baby.

Oh and specifically on Social Services – yes, I was referred by my HV because I had attempted suicide – I'm not sure if I would have been otherwise, to be honest – nobody seemed particularly worried or surprised and the overwhelming message was that what I was experiencing was very normal for someone with PND and they were confident that I would recover with treatment (PND is one of the most treatable forms of mental illness.)

Social Services called me after a few days to reassure me that there would be no action taken because I was having treatment. They came to visit me once, after about... two months? They were there for about five minutes, gave me some useful information (including the HomeStart referral), asked me if there was any further support they could offer me and then left. They phoned me a week later to say I was being "signed off". I worried for the next two years that they'd be in touch any time anything happened but they weren't, not even when DD was in A&E with a head injury (which was 100% my fault, she rolled off the bed on my watch). The only time I ever heard from them again was when my husband died, and that was a routine phone call in which they let me know the support they could offer and asked me if I wanted it. That was it.

Sorry, cross-post. That doesn't make a difference – that's another common symptom. They asked me if I was having any negative thoughts towards my DH – also common, apparently.

Definitely go to your GP. You'll get the help you need, you're poorly and you'll get better but right now you need help.

Hey,
I hope I can provide some more reassurance.I was tormented like this from my teens. I went into an occupation working with vulnerable people, and was terrified that I was not "the sort of person" who should have been there.
I was eventually diagnosed with OCD at 27. I was on and off antidepressants at the time anyway. The relief that I was definitely not going to do anyone harm was enormous.
30 odd years later, I've not been troubled by. these thoughts for years now.
Please-you need to see a doctor anyway to have medication prescribed if appropriate-also look into therapy. Let people help you, (including trusted family and friends)and to get on with, and enjoy being, the good Mum you are.
(If you'd like to talk this through,the Samaritans are happy to listen to anyone who is worried about something in their life-call 116 123.)
Wishing you all the best xx

I am planning on seeing a GP, just not necessarily dwelling on the finer details if you like. I’m just wondering if ADs are appropriate for this sort of issue.

Hi OP - I'm a psychologist and it sounds to me like this might be OCD. Antidepressants can help with this.
I also think you should talk to someone about it. Maybe self refer to your nearest NHS talking therapy service (if you are in England)). I know it's scary though. But honestly they will have heard things like this before.

Thanks. I’m inclined just to go with the ADs, hopefully they may help.