How do I build resilience?

[YOUSEECOLOURS]

In the past I know that I can get very emotionally attached to ideas and therefore very downtrodden if things don't happen as I would like. Apologies if this is long as it involves a couple of problems thay have led to how I feel right now.

I recently went for a promotion at work, I have worked towards it for months taking on extra responsibilities to prepare for the interview and to he'll my development, alongside doing my normal role too. My manager (who is the same job level I was going for) has been full of praise, telling me I've done well in the project, saying that the hiring manager (who happened to have run the project) was very impressed by me and heavily encouraged I apply for the new job.

The interview was hard and I knew I hadnt done well (not taking in to account multiple Internet issues disrupting the online interview) but my boss continued to convince me I stood a chance. I found out this week that I didn't get it and a peer did. So it was semi expected, but still disappointing and I am frustrated at myself.

This ties in with the other issue which is that I had my end of year appraisal this week, despite my manager confirming I was 'a great manager who they trust to do everything that is required and excels into the role', alongside running my extra project, I still got the average grade, the same grade someone who has been out of the department for 6months and taken on no extra responsibility.

It's safe to say my mental health has plummeted this week. Unfortunately, in my appraisal (before the job outcome) I told my manager I wanted to become more resilient.... I have no idea how though . My automatic reaction to the job rejection was to come home and write a CV to apply for different companies. (worked for mine for 15years)

I feel useless, unappreciated , feel I have no prospects and am utterly beaten by the fact I'm staying in my current role that I have outgrown.

At home I'm the cook, cleaner, childcarer, I work overtime 10 hours a week....im beaten and done and need help picking myself up...

Get yourself back out there. Stick a smile on your face. Fake it and eventually you'll feel ok. Ask yourself what you'd tell a friend. Keep practicing this mindset

I am sorry you are feeling so low and nothing so far came out of your hard work. It seems to me people are taking you for granted. I remember being in your shoes. What was a game changer for me was discovering Buddhism. We chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo a lot to have courage, wisdom and compassion to turn any situation around. We also go to local discussion meetings and talk about our experiences of applying Buddhist principles to challenges of daily living. We usually receive and give good advice. We also have a magazine called the Art of Living. The latest issue has an experience written by a manager who started in a very similar situation. You could find more info on our website SGI-UK. I wish I could be of more help. I remember how demoralised I felt when I was passed for promotion, it's very painful. I thought I would share my experience with you.

I think resilience would be to try and look for the opportunities/silver linings.

Ask for a debreif why you didn't get the job.
Ask what you needed to do to get the higher grade at appraisal & a development plan to do those things.
Push for more opportunities & training if relevant.
It's natural to feel down but acknowledge its a bit shit & move on. Try not to turn in like a sad sack, as PP says, fake it & you'll even start to believe it yourself.

BUT I don't necessarily think it's not resilient to use this double whammy as motivation to look for something elsewhere either if you're not progressing & you've already tried asking for extra responsibility etc.

I understand 15y is a long time to be anywhere - I was 10y at my last place, but the big wage rises & promotions generally come with big moves.

I forgot to day, my boss has said he will speak to me about it... If I remind him next week. 🙄

I am working through this with my daughter at the moment and we are having lots of great discussions: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Resilience-Workbook-Teens-Activities-Confidence/dp/168403292X/ref=sr_1_5?crid=38JH3MYFEZDBD&keywords=resilience+workbook&qid=1706227961&sprefix=resilience+workbook%2Caps%2C83&sr=8-5
It is for teenagers but I don't think that would make much difference (we are only in part 2 though).

I would write down why you think you should have got a better grade and make those points when you speak to your boss. Prepare yourself well and then challenge their grade. They might change it and if not, you have argued your case and it might go differently next time.