Struggling **warning discusses suicidal thoughts**

[strugglingwithmentalhealth]

I am not new here, but have created a new throwaway account for this as I don't want it linked to my main account. Mumsnet can verify this with me if necessary. I am not sure what advice I need, maybe I just need to talk and know someone is listening. This is my first time discussing my mental health with anyone other than my gp, and even then I gloss over it mostly. I am the expert in putting on a smile and pretending it is all ok.

I have always suffered with my mental health, childhood traumas, emotional abuse during my marriage, anxiety and depression. Never feeling good enough and always feeling like I am being rejected. It is me not other people usually but it hurts like hell and makes me question everything. And second guess myself constantly. However I have never been diagnosed with anything other than depression, but I feel this goes deeper now.

I am on antidepressants a good few years now, but yesterday following a meeting with someone who told me that me working part time was a drain on society and taxpayers are funding my hobby of working part time ( currently only working part time and on part time social welfare, but do work full time when my mental health is good). Just now I need some support as I just cant function on a full time basis.

I am floored that a person in authority could say something like this and after I left the meeting her words reduced me to standing staring at a river wondering what it would be like to walk into it and just not feel the shame, shock and failure I was feeling at that moment in time.

I called a good friend, had a cry and went home. I have been crying since then when I am awake just sadness surrounding me. Literally a huge cloud of sadness is placed above my head and I cant shake it. I am sleeping or crying, there is no in between since yesterday.

I have reached out to my GP and have an appointment tomorrow and am seeking counselling asap too, I will be reporting this person when I am stronger, she could have chosen her words more carefully even if they are true. God, they hurt so much.

I am always kind to people as I know how much I pretend on the outside that everything is shiny and ok, today I just feel in so much pain and hurt.

Sorry for sharing the sadness I am feeling today but I just needed to get it out there and stop my head hurting

Thank you for listening to me xx

OP that sounds really distressing, if only people just stopped to think before they spoke? So much trauma could be averted by just being kind.
Workwise you are doing well, you actually have a job which is more than I can say for myself! You can work up to full time when your mental health allows it, and now is not the time.
I am sorry you feel so low, reaching out to your GP was a good idea. I hope they can help you tomorrow, try to be honest with them, don’t bottle things up.
don’t forget that there is support. You can post on here or call The Samaritans. If you don’t like talking in the phone you can text SHOUT, they can sometimes take a while to reply but are very helpful.
Take care x

This woman is a gold plated arsehole. She's also wrong. You've done well to keep on working part time. People in authority aren't always right and certainly not in this case.

I am always kind to people

It's a shame she didn't extend the same courtesy to you.

Lots of us try too hard to make people like us. Low self-esteem generally comes from the perceived opinions of others on how we are doing, or who we are, rather than our own expert assessment. People will more often than not base how they feel about themselves on how much approval they receive from others, sometimes complete strangers who barely know anything about them.

However, just as we perceive certain people to be experts in certain areas, there is one subject in which we are all the world’s leading expert: ourselves.

Nobody else knows your story the way you do no matter how well they know you - no one else has been present in every single scene in the movie of your life. As such, nobody else’s opinion has the right to override your own about you.

We wouldn’t accept the opinion of the novice over the expert in any other walk of life. Don’t do it with your own self-opinion.

The opinions of others can sometimes be valuable at times but if they are directly in conflict with our own, then on this particular subject their opinion can be dismissed. Any energy we might spend trying to keep others happy with who we are is inevitably wasted energy. There is only one person who needs to be happy with who you are…and that’s you.

Hope you're OK lovie.

Thank you so much for your kind words yesterday, they have helped a lot. I am calmer today and had a good chat with my Doctor, she has upped my meds and has suggested counselling and to begin the procedure of seeing another Doctor with the intention of getting me a firmer diagnosis. Is it depression, bi polar, something else?

The world is not a fair place to live. Some people have it much harder than others. We are not robots. Managing your mental health at home is far cheaper than being admitted to an in patient facility. We all live in society and benefit from a collective effort. No one persons life experience is the same. Don’t let this person negatively impact you anymore.