Hello, I haven't posted on here before, so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct format/appropriate post, I just really need a place to let it out, I hope that's okay.
I'm so sorry about how long this is. Please don't feel obliged to read it all, I know it's an essay!
I've just received some information in connection to something that happened to me two years ago and it's massively set me back. I'm really struggling to move forward and I just needed to write it all down and try to understand it.
Two years ago I was sexually harassed and stalked. (Let's call this person F) I was kind to someone at work, F, who was having a hard time with their mental health. F was saying they'd never felt so low before, and to add to it, they didn't even get to eat breakfast in the morning as they had to come to work early so often felt unwell as they hadn't eaten. I work in a high stress job, where it is very common to buy little pick-me-ups for colleagues to help each other through, regardless of how close you are to them. It's not essential, but we've all done it for each other before. I bought F a box of cereal to have at work, so they could at least start their day on a better note. We weren't friends, they were just a pleasant colleague I'd see time to time and have brief, standard chats with in the hallways.
F happened to get the same bus home as me one day. It turned out we had some common interests, so when F asked me in that same conversation if I wanted to continue the conversation whilst grabbing a tea and visiting the bookshop, I said yes. I was happy by the prospect of having a new friend.
Sadly, the more we spoke, the less we had in common, and the more apparent it became that we weren't very platonically compatible. We went to the bookshop and F became quite aggressive when discussing books they disliked, even shouting. I messaged my husband to ask him to meet me so that I could leave (I have anxiety - I'm not good at being assertive. I worry about offending people, clearly to my own detriment).
After that day, I began to distance myself, which shouldn't have been difficult as F and I worked in different departments and didn't often see each other at work. However, one morning F happened to get the same bus at the same time as me. F said they'd never get a bus this early, and asked where I got on. I stupidly told them, I didn't see an issue at the time.
F then began going to my bus stop, at the same time as me. F started getting the same train as me (I take a train then bus to work), and would try sitting between myself and my husband, who got the same train. My husband commented on how much F would try to touch me, stroke my arm, play with my hair. How F would glare at him. I would just move away from the advances. (I am really trying to work on my verbal communication, I have a really hard time with this.)
F then found my office at work, then would come to my office often 4/5 times per day, sometimes they'd sit in there alone in the dark until I appeared. The colleagues in my department began to notice this, and were all becoming concerned for me as by this point I was quite dismissive with F (unlike me, I'm very soft spoken) however F would not stop looking for me.
F once came into my office when I had a tight deadline - I told them I was too busy to talk today, so F stood at my desk. My desk is in a corner, so if someone stands at my desk, I can't get out. F stood above me and their arm was rubbing against mine. I told F they could only stay for one minute to see my computer screen but then they would have to leave. During this minute, I felt a weight on my head. I told F "I thought you'd kissed me. That would have made me really uncomfortable.", they then proceeded to give me a slow kiss on the head.
From here, it spiralled. I tried putting active distance between us by constantly being on the move, sitting in different offices, putting paper in the window of a different office door so that they couldn't find me there. I changed my commute after F had demanded to know where I lived so they could drive me to work. F made several comments about how I was avoiding them. F began waiting outside my office to try finding me, so my colleagues had to brush them aside. I had to do a separate "duty" in another part of the building - F found where that was and would watch me daily from the window. I started getting lifts after work so I didn't need to get the same bus as F (they called me a bitch when they found this out). I did everything I could to avoid them, but I didn't want to be too vocal as they had continued telling me throughout this how unstable they were at the moment. F had mentioned they'd handed their notice in, so I thought I'd be able to cope, however after the kiss and everything else (I won't have mentioned everything here), I couldn't live like this. I couldn't stand to be touched by anybody.
One day, I saw F was at my bus stop on a day I had to get the bus to work. I stood as far away as possible, kept my hood up and head down. However I saw their feet approaching me, followed by them whispering into my ear "I'm going to make it my goal to come up to you in as many creepy ways as possible." I said "Please don't, that actually makes me really uncomfortable." F said "I'm going to do it anyways."
I reported F, and on my way to the meeting with my supervisor, F came into my office to look for me as always. They looked between me and my supervisor, looking angry, and asked me "Are you betraying me?" , as if F knew what I was finally going to do. F even tried to come into the meeting as they followed me everywhere. (At this point I didn't even respond to them when they found me, they would just follow me silently.)
In my HR meeting (with myself, my supervisor, head of HR and a manager) I was glad to see the manager was someone I had a close relationship with, and actually accompanied me on my duties and saw F stalk me on my duties daily. This was until the manager asked me (regarding the kiss on the head) "Do you not think because you didn't say the word "no", you were asking for it? Do you think maybe you wanted it?". This absolutely destroyed me. I replied that I explicitly said I'd be uncomfortable, to which she said "Yeah, but you didn't say the word no.". My supervisor (and even the HR woman!) and I were gobsmacked by this.
Long story short, F didn't face any repercussions as (to quote the HR head) - "They cried when I told them. I truly believe because they cried that this wasn't intentional.", I was then given 4 sessions of therapy and whisked off and that was that.
Most of my therapy tackled the issue of - did I ask for this? Is this my fault? I really struggled with this. I know I didn't say the word no explicitly, but surely everything I said and did was enough? Was it not?
Later down the line, I fell pregnant and had a year off on maternity leave. I'm now back and it's been an adjustment being back in the environment, but it's manageable. I've had some of my closest friends supporting me being back in the environment. I still don't like being touched unless it is by a close friend or family member, but I am getting better.
However, I've just been told last week from my closest friend (let's call her T) something that's really affected me. T has told me something about one of my close friends (we'll call her G) who really helped defend me at work at the time I was stalked (G would often send away the person if G found them in my office, and G would tell them to leave me be. G appeared in my statement and really helped me with this).
T has said that G pulled her for a private conversation after my HR meeting. G said that she thinks I was "asking for it" and that it was my fault that I was harassed, because I didn't "say the word no". G effectively said to my face I'd done nothing wrong, however had been talking behind my back and saying it was my fault this had happened. She watched it all happen, watched me push F away, even helped me do it, and really she'd been saying what I struggled with most.
It's just set me right back where I started. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I did ask for it because I didn't use just one stupid little word. Maybe saying "Please don't", "That makes me uncomfortable" wasn't clear enough. I guess it's my fault.
Now suddenly I can't stand to be in the same place this all happened. I can't stand in certain places because I picture them stroking my arm, or looking through the door, or breathing down my neck, or telling me "i miss you so much" when I was avoiding them in the hallways. I mean, if one of my closest friends thought it was my fault, then isn't it?
Thank you for reading, I appreciate having the outlet xx