My adult daughter is destroying her life

[Cherrys70]

My daughter is an adult and she has EUPD. She’s had years and years of therapy but threw away chances that could have made a huge difference. She has always gravitated to “bad” men since her early teens but I know that I can’t do anything about it any more because she is an adult. I initially liked her latest BF but I have changed my mind since. I was informed that both of them have uploaded explicit video material to porn sites and it’s bad. I am refusing to watch any of it but I know that DD is clearly identifiable in the videos. He is not apart from his tattoos. I spoke to her about it and she is fully aware and content for the videos to be out there, and she doesn’t seem to care or understand the implications of it all
I know that I can’t do anything about this because she is an adult but I am afraid that this will just be the beginning of another downward spiral and it’s so difficult to accept and watch unfold. Just sharing to put it out there because I feel so powerless and I know that this will end so so badly. It feel like this will never end

Getting engagement in the services available is a major hurdle. No medication is useful. Learning to use coping strategies to control and live with the intense feelings and emotion is the key to stability.

OP is there anyone else who could talk to your daughter? I guess you’re concerned about what will happen next with this partner of hers. It’s sounds like he might be using her. The fact that only she is recognisable in the video sounds alarming.

She had a go at it 3 years ago and abandoned it after 2 sessions. 2 suicide attempts since and now this mess. We will obviously remain here for her and we will do everything we can but it’s so hard to watch the downward spiraling.

I have a loved one with EUPD and it really is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I understand your position completely. I’ve been there. Big hugs OP. It’s hell.

letmegooglethatforyou.com

Who the hell thought this would be a good idea to share with you? I'd put it out of your mind tbh. Anything involving your adult daughter's sex life is best not thought about.
If there's any indication of a downward spiral, just be there for her as I'm sure you always are. You don't need to have any answers or advice, just listen to her.

So sorry you're going through this with your daughter 😔 no advice to offer really, except I'd definitely try and get some therapy for yourself to support you

MBT, mentalisation based therapy has good results for BPD

OP. I wonder if it might be better if this thread was moved to the Mental Health section. You might find folk there would know what it is you’re referring to.

Had no idea what EUPD is. Its not as common as ASD.

Yes thank you I’ll ask for this. Thank you 🙏

poor love.

won't anyone think of you and your feelings?

They say a lot of women diagnosed with bpd are actually neurodivergent

My DH has BPD, I didn't know it meant you are prone to being coerced into making pornography? To be honest people's sexual preferences or antics are always going to seem pretty unsavoury to their parents. I'm not trying to minimise your concern, but I have no advice other than do not abandon her, she sounds like she needs you.

significant percentage of autistic girls/women are misdiagnosed with BPD/EUPD. Has she been screened for ASD?

I am wondering this too. Would explain some of the difficulties with boundaries in relationships.

I am sorry op. This is so difficult.

And I can’t believe the amount of posts picking your post apart! Totally unnecessary. Just google ffs.

Thank you

I worked with someone who had EUPD. She was open about it. She had struggled until her thirties (bad relationships, not able to keep a job) but then things had "calmed down" for her. And she had had some therapy. I didn't know her well but she was holding down her job (as a carer) in a nice place, and she was a pleasant and reliable colleague. She was good at her job and seemed to enjoy it. And I wasn't the only one to get along with her, everyone did.

Had there been a time in her life that she recorded explicit porn and put it online, it wouldn't have bothered me, I wouldn't even know about it. It's only loser blokes who care about stuff like that.

You sound as though you accept and care about her as she is. I think that really counts. Keep in mind what you cannot control or change - her behaviour, her choices.

@BobbyBiscuits it doesn’t make you prone to making porn per se but it does often lead to behaviours which are dangerous and to relationships which are toxic. The struggle to cope with volatile and overwhelming emotions must be awful.

It does not seem like she wants help. If I were you I will tell her that I love her and will always support her if she needs help. Everyone wants and needs love, with love healing and miracles can occur. I am a highly sensitive person and also have trauma from childhood. Someone recommend me Sarah Jackson and limbic system retraining. This could probably help your daughter. I study biodecoding and this is another therapy I recommend. If she is atracting people that are not good for her is because of her unconscious. The unconscious mind that is full of beliefs, past experiences is the one that rules of lives. Quantum physics explains this very well. It will also benefit her being in nature or by the sea. Exercise is essential for emotional balance, sound healing, qigong, yoga taichi. So many tools available you just have to find what works best. Hope your daughter find herself again.

It’s not common knowledge, like ASD. I’ve never heard of it, neither as an initialism or in its full form.

I think that something like this counts essentially as self-harm @Cherrys70 and that's a big part of EUPD. I'd be doing all I could to make her realise that and reengage with therapy, although I realise that that's easier said than done.

@Pacifybull around 1 person in 100 suffer from EUPD in the UK. A high proportion of these in prison.

No lived experience of this to advise on what to do specifically to help her. I want To send a hug, as I can imagine your heart is aching and so weary.You've likely had years upon years of worrying about her. That's so depleting.
A mother's worry 😞.

Seeking some support for yourself around this if possible, if you don't already.
What others have said about just being there, listening , try to release your judgement etc.
She is an adult as you said, and you can't control her as you know, even though I'd guess your heart feels like it's cracking.

Minding your own boundaries and self in this is so important too, and also a good example for her in the long run. Nurture yourself in what ways you can. Nature, music, creative hobbies can help ground us. It wont fix the situation, but it might help you cope with the weight of it.

Genuinely sending a careful hug to you 💕

It is a more recent name change from borderline personally disorder but come on people! Who reads an op like that from an obviously worried mum and thinks, well ill not bother to Google I'll just ask on the thread and then continue going on that it's not a well known 🙄

I think it’s ok to mention you haven’t heard of it. It’s in op’s first sentence and it’s obviously the point of the post but she thought people would know it and lots don’t. I’ve only recently heard of it when a family member told me they have it. They sent me a TikTok video today of how it feels to them.