Pregnancy denial

[Lostmymind16]

So, I seem to be making a bit of a mess of things. I need to let this out and hopefully someone can encourage some sense into me.

Last month I found out I was pregnant with what should/could be my third child. I had a feeling before I took the test, but felt such a wave of disappointment when I saw the positive. I cried. My other children, a boy and girl, are 5 and 3. I love them very much but I don't want to go back to the baby stage. My son especially was a very difficult baby. My work is going well and I'm otherwise happy in my life.

I spent the first week looking at ways to encourage a 'natural miscarriage' and a few days of taking copious amounts of vitamin c. Nothing happened except a very upset tummy.

I had an abortion in the past and really struggled in the aftermath with feelings of regret and even suicidal intentions for a short time. Although I'm now actually grateful and feel it was the right choice, it was a fairly long road to get there. I'm prone to being sentimental and nostalgic over things. The grass is definitely always greener on the other side.

I didn't/don't want to be pregnant but can't bear going back to that dark place and having it be 'my fault'. And I'm further on now than I was that time.

Since then, I suppose I've gone into full denial mode. I'm fine as long as I don't think about or talk about it. I try to ignore the nausea which has been quite bad too. I'm constantly hoping that I'll find blood when I go to the toilet because then it's just one of those things and it wasn't meant to be.

My husband is fine. He thinks I'll come around. I think I've been hoping that too. I've just been not talking to him about it.
Anyway... Somehow I'm about to be 10 weeks. I've made no appointments for anything. I'm entitled to an early scan because I had an ectopic in the past (this one has no symptoms of being). But I can't face going to a scan and seeing a healthy fetus. I know how messed up this is. And I can't face having an abortion either. Ideally I'd go to scan and discover a missed miscarriage (again sorry to those who this offends), and then I'd probably still beat myself up for a while for having wished it to happen.

So here I am. Hoping for a miracle. That somehow this will go away by itself and my life just goes back to normal?!

Make an appointment with the community midwife and have a chat. I understand your feelings but they will be in the best place to support you either way.

Ask for your Gp to call you asap. You are going to run out of time and the decision will be out of your hands. Ask if they can get the local MW team to call you. Ask if there is an emergency talking therapy team you can access.

I've been there.

I too got to 10weeks and was in utter denial about the whole thing.

In fact I went to the GP and insisted I was unwell and they should change my meds. She pieced it all together, did some blood tests and a week later confirmed I was pregnant.

Husband was over the moon. I was falling apart. Similar reasons to you. My youngest at that time was almost 4. I couldn't fathom going back to the baby years given how gawd damned awful the first 3 years had been with that one.

However I left it too long and so ran out of choices to do anything except be Swept up and go with the flow.

Roll forward and our now youngest child is almost 8.

I am so grateful this accident happened. In hindsight I did nothing as deep down I wanted another child, albeit the timing was not great. But then nothing is Perfect.

Yes my career was buggered because of the timing. Yes. We ran out of £££ and have had a bit of a squeaky time getting back on track.

However. I wouldn't change having this almost 8yo. Even if timing could have been better!!!

Speak to your OH if it is safe to do so. Speak to your GP. Speak to the local MW. Speak to a therapist. Book an appointment with Marie Stopes clinic. Check out your options and talk them through with your OH and your best mate. And any professionals you trust.

And Zombie walk into having a 3rd child if you must but acknowledge to yourself that is what you are doing, rather than feeling paralysed and overwhelmed.

Good luck 🤞

Are you in England OP?

Unfortunately in England the monsters who designed the NHS maternity care system refuse to let you have an appointment with a midwife unless you're keeping the baby.

I was refused any appointments to talk to anyone at all (GP or midwife) until I decided if I was keeping the baby or not. And if you're not keeping the baby they don't let you have an appointment with a midwife either, they just spit you out with a phone number for BPAS (whose name is misleading as they offer no advice either).

Sorry OP. You're best off lying to them and saying you're keeping the baby to get into the antenatal system if you want advice from a GP or midwife.

Op I was in a very similar situation so can totally empathise.

In the end I had a termination at 13 weeks, the hospital staff were so kind and I felt "better" immediately because there was no longer anything I could do. The procedure itself was fine, I had a general anaesthetic and it was all done within a day.

It's been a month and whilst I will never forget I know it was the right decision for my family and more importantly for myself.

I did talk things through a lot with a trusted friend and it really helped.

Whatever you decide op please talk to a medical professional asap.

Sending you

Thank you all. Reading your replies makes me cry, which I think is actually a good thing because I've been keeping it inside so much.

I just don't even know how to begin this conversation with my husband. He is a good man but I don't know how to explain how I feel.

I just wish I'd called up and got the tablets and done it at 5 weeks. Now I feel so trapped.

How are you feeling now? Just stumbled across your post and I am too in the same position. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind and now im 14 weeks and feel like I'm being trapped into keeping the baby I wish I had taken the abortion pills sooner :(