I genuinely am teary whilst typing this. I'm not drunk nor do drugs just basically feel broken down. I'm not suicidal but I do feel utterly worthless.
I've been with my husband 20 years, kids and I'm coming to the realisation I have spent so many years pretending to be happy.
Pretending to feel appreciated, pretending I feel noticed, understood and okay.
My husband isn't a bad man but I don't think I my love for him is enough anymore Not truly. I care deeply but all the pain, all the times he has hurt me (one being he had an affair with my best friend) stupid me forgave him. All the times he has made me feel I am such hard work.
He tells me I am controlling and if he was to do any spontaneous date night it had to be 'my way' ....... in 20 years he has less than a handful of times taken me anywhere without me organising it first ! He uses so many excuses, the kids need looking after, he doesnt know what i like to do.....
I wear clothes from 5 years ago baggy and unflattering. I don't have any friends since the affair as my trust has gone. My hair is a mess, my skin is dull and my weight has just ballooned. My confidence doesn't exist, my self esteem and pride is so low.
I have crippling anxiety that I try to hide and live on permenant fight/flight mode.
I mean, I was the girl out of his league once upon a time. I had friends, I loved to laugh and my figure was toned and athletic.... i oozed confidence in a way id love to be around people....... but when I met him I knew he wasn't my normal type but I gave it a chance ...... times I wish I walked away when I had the opportunity.
Time went on i stopped going out, friends stopped calling as I made him my center..... then he started going out with friends..... giving girls his number omg the stories of hurtful stuff he has done I'd write a book. I've always been loyal he even gave me chlamydia but denied it..... faked a test and again I believed him
I just feel a fool. Where do I go from here?! I feel so broken. Ugly on the outside and just honestly I have nothing left to give him. I'm like a ghost.
My kids adore him but my eldest has recently told me that they don't see me smile anymore and can see how their dad hurts me.......
I am so tired of feeling tired.