I know people will laugh and think I’m crazy when I say this but I’m genuinely starting to think I’m cursed. People tell me life is full of ups and downs but I don’t know where the ups are. My life if just a series of terrible things happening and sheer bad luck. I can’t remember the last time I was happy or didn’t need medicated to the hilt to leave the house. To be honest I’m not even sure I know what happiness feels like.
I had a rough childhood, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive and my dad was and is emotionally unavailable. I’m no contact with my mother now and my dad, whilst there for the practical stuff, is still as emotionally unavailable as ever so I’ve got a whole host of trauma and issues from my childhood that at this point I don’t think any amount of therapy would help with.
I’ve tried to make things better, tried to improve my quality of life I honestly have but something always gets in the way or goes wrong and it never works out. I’ll not go into the ins and outs of my entire life or we’ll be here all night but some examples from the last 6 months:
- I was living pay check to pay check so worked hard to get a promotion at work. Got said promotion and now 6 months later the post is up for redundancy.
- Frantically applied for new jobs due to the above and landed 3 interviews over the course of a fortnight. On the morning of interview one the car blows a tyre on the way there, on the way to interview two the train breaks down. On the way to interview three I get hit by a car crossing a pedestrian crossing. None of the companies would rearrange the interviews.
- All I’ve ever wanted is to get married and have a family. Friends told me I should try online dating. I did that last year and was sexually assaulted in December on date 5 with a guy.
- An ex I really liked got in touch over Christmas. We were chatting for a few weeks and all was lovely then all of a sudden he blocked me. No idea what I did the exchange was completely pleasant just randomly blocked all of a sudden which hurts
- Theres been some fraudulent activity on my account and the money in my savings account id saved since getting my promotion has been totally wiped out which the bank are currently refusing to refund
- I wanted to try and lose weight to help feel better in myself so I plucked up the courage to go to a gym class where, in a complete fluke, a bit a furniture collapsed and I ended up with a broken wrist.
- I booked a dream cruise I’d always wanted to go on after my promotion and the day before I was due to set off the only relative I’ve been hugely close with died suddenly
- My house has been broken into twice in the last 6 months and my previous car was stolen from the property. After the first break in I get cameras put it which end up not recording the second break in due to some kind of error. Even the police said I was one of the unluckiest people they had ever met!
I could go on but I’ll save everyone the misery. I guess I just feel like I’m drowning all of the time. Even my friends have stopped saying that things will get better, they used to laugh at my comically bad luck but it’s got so bad that I don’t think they even know how to respond anymore. It feels like no matter what I do the rug gets pulled out from under me or every time I get my hopes up that life’s finally turning a corner it just doesn’t for one reason or another. I know some of it is just little stuff that normal people would just brush off but it’s been going on so long now I just can’t cope. I’m not suicidal or anything, I wouldn’t actively do anything but if I just didn’t wake up in the morning it would be a blessing as I can’t imagine another 50 years living like this someone at work said the other day that they didn’t know how I got out of bed in the morning. I don’t know how to make things better when it feels like the world is against me. I’m not even sure why I’m posting here. I guess I hope just writing it down would help.