Anxiety

[FlyMeToTheMoooooon]

Hi,

I've never suffered with anxiety before (I'm 51) but a combination of menopause (although my last period was in 2017 so I'm probably well through it by now), deaths of close relatives (sibling to suicide), changing jobs to a job which is more stressful/heavy workload (place is in a mess) and needs to be done by 2 people AND dealing with a member of staff with mental health issues (and, I've been yelled at on numerous occasions by this person who has had a lot of time off sick, 80% of this year). Not receiving any support from higher up although HR are now taking action on the work colleague (I'm the line manager). I've been really nice to this person - always - but have exhausted all of the help we can offer.

I'm also going through a long divorce and losing vast amounts of money. No emotional support with that either as I don't have family left. Parents and siblings are RIP. I lost both siblings within a year of each other, the most recent to suicide. Teen daughter living with me who stays out of my way and hardly speaks. She creates a mess at home - very untidy. I am constantly tidying up around her. I don't get a break (she won't stay with her dad and he probably has her about two hours a week). So, I have no options to meet anyone else or have a social life - which is also affecting me.

My marriage was nothing more than a friendship so I've spent many years feeling lonely.

As a result of the above, I am anxious a lot. My work life and personal life are a mess. I'm not sleeping well because of it. I feel like I'm permanently in the flight or fight mode.

I'm applying for other jobs but it's difficult as all are away from where we live. I'd have to move my daughter mid way through GCSE's, which I don't want to do.

Is there anything else I can do for the anxiety as I'm really worried I'll snap and just have done sort of breakdown and walk out of my job? I don't really want to go off sick as my fellow band 7's are also struggling with workload. Currently, no manager in post.

I'm a band 7 in the NHS. Never worked anywhere so bad and never suffered these issues anywhere else. Had a successful career so far...

Are you on any medication and HRT?

I won’t go into the trauma and shit that is my life that has led to me suffering, but HRT did massively help my anxiety, along with antidepressants and, when I get really panicky, propranolol. I honestly wouldn’t be here but for the above medications.

High strength magnesium can help with menopausal sleep issues, it’s so hard to deal with life when you are exhausted on top of everything else.
I know during peak covid the nhs had helplines for counselling and support but it wasn’t just covid support. Have they stopped now?

You can in some areas self refer for talking therapies, I’ve personally never found it helpful but others do.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

There is a crisis line if it all gets too much and it’s outside usual hours. It’s 111 and 2

Simple habit has some lovely -free-meditations that are calming. Or Marconi union-weightless. It’s proven to slow heart rate and reduce stress by up to 60%. It can just give you a bit of a break from the fight or flight feeling.

I’m sorry you are struggling, I hope things feel better for you soon

I'm really worried I'll snap and just have done sort of breakdown and walk out of my job? I don't really want to go off sick as my fellow band 7's are also struggling with workload.

Have a think about this sentence. What's better - going off sick and then going back to work when you are rested and better able to cope, or walking out (into an unknown future) because the stress is too much to handle?

Can you have a chat with your daughter and enlist her help to get you through this period? Agree that she can do whatever she wants behind her (closed) bedroom door but that in the shared space she needs to be reasonable?

Also have you had any counselling or therapy to help with your sibling's suicide?

Not on HRT and had awful symptoms at the beginning (literally within months of my periods stopping abruptly at 45) but most have calmed down now. I think it's a combination of menopause plus the awful job I've got myself into and having a hormonal teenage girl in the house. My marriage ended when I was at my peak in menopause symptoms. Made me re-evaluate my life etc.

GP didn't take me seriously and said it wasn't menopause and that I was stressed. I
Just left it at that! Had 4 weeks off last year but no improvement. My job used to be done by 2 people but they went down to one to save money. It's too much. Workload is ridiculous and unmanageable and is making me feel like I'm not coping (in front of eager eyes younger colleagues who are eyeing up my job). Anyone in the role wouldn't cope tbh. There are talks of getting someone else to help in the role as they know 'I'm doing too much'. This is without having to deal with colleagues health issues too.

No counselling for sibling suicide. Inquest still ongoing as there was neglect at the hospital too.

I was never like this in my previous jobs.

So sorry to hear of your siblings. It’s no wonder you’re feeling anxious with all that to deal with.

Break it down into things you can change and things you can’t.

You can take time off from work due to bereavement and stress and maybe doing this will highlight the need to get another person in to assist you.

You could try some counselling and/or anti depressants to help you deal with your bereavement and the general anxiety - I found Citalopram invaluable when I was struggling, having initially been hesitant to try it. That’s what it’s there for.

Your DD is old enough to help with tidying, have some respect and to be left alone/understand that you’re a woman as well as a mum and deserve your own life. There’s nothing to stop you dating once you’re in a better place mentally/emotionally. I warn you it’s a minefield so you do need to be thick skinned to date in todays world, but once you’re feeling a bit more optimistic - maybe in a year or so - your DD can stay home while you go on dates, and if you meet someone nice she’s old enough to stay home while you go out.

I spend long evenings with my BF at his house if we want sex, but I come home before bed time, and he comes to mine to hang out if we don’t plan on having sex!! It’s been 6+ months so if I want him to stay here in future, my kids will have to suck it up, but it works as it is for now. My older ones have girlfriends to stay and have each gone through at least 3 in the last few years while I’ve kept my men out of the house, so it’s a bit of a double standard tbh 😂

But dating is low on the priority list at the moment. You need to address the bereavement and work issues first, which will be affecting how you deal with everything else. It sounds like the work issue is at lease partly being dealt with but it’s clearly too much. You’re not superwoman. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself and your health first.

I also recommend trying HRT. Just because you’re through the worst is the symptoms you’ll still be low on oestrogen and all the benefits that brings. Look into it.

Hope things start to look up for you.

Hi,
My siblings died over a year ago so it's unlikely I can go on bereavement leave. I think everything has just gone to pot in every aspect of my life.

I am always rushing home from work in the evenings to do tea for my daughter. I'd like to have a night off once a week but no! She doesn't like going to her dad's even though he lives close to the school. It's a bus ride to our house. We are also in the family home, which needs to be sold soon. That is also adding pressure as I'm struggling to keep the place tidy at all, let alone for viewings!!

I don't get child support from her dad either. He reckons he can't afford it.

I'm reluctant to leave my daughter home alone as she has almost set the house on fire - twice!! Even though she is almost 16 she does daft things! Set the microwave in fire recently by leaving one of those wheat bags in it too long and walking away! I could smell the smoke upstairs. Luckily, I was home. Also, left a tea towel on the cooker top while she was boiling a couple of eggs. Caught fire 🔥! I just don't trust her in terms of safety! Her elder brother was a lot more sensible (at university).

I'd like to get into some walking groups. Maybe that's also a way to meet someone else. I enjoy scenic areas and photography so hikes in the lakes etc. would probably suit me. Again, the daughter is stopping me doing this. I'd like to go away one weekend a month in the nicer months. It would help but I feel trapped and the responsibility of childcare has always been on
my shoulders, even though my job was more demanding. Had no help from grandparents - all now RIP.

I think other people do forget that I'm an individual in my own right. A woman too! Not just a slave to everyone else.

First priority is to get another job!