Im 24 and female and have been diagnosed by a variety of different mental health professionals with ocd, and I believe them and that my problem is mostly caused by ocd. I get intrusive thoughts about relationships and my identity, so I keep thinking my friend is sleeping/had an affair with my ex (without evidence that they knew each other), that I’m a narcissist in disguise, or a sociopath, that I’m a bad person, or that god is punishing me.
however, I get this weird symptom that I’ve been told borders on psychosis which is why I’m on anti psychotics. at the moment I’m on risperidone, aripiprazole and sertraline. I’m coming off of risperidone as it’s making me gain weight. this weird symptom is basically I feel that the initials of people’s names I knew at school are able to carry people’s spiritual energy and watch me, sort of like an astral projection through letters. They are also able to know my thoughts. I know how crazy it sounds, but basically this ‘spiritual energy’ thing I have taken too far and I sometimes believe that their energy can manifest itself inside objects in my room. It can get scary as sometimes my eyes morph them into spider like images; they’re not hallucinations as I’m not seeing anything persay, but it’s sort of like radiation and subtle movements that remind me of something sinister and evil.
basically these initials and objects have personalities of people I knew, and they so closely resemble and speak like them it’s actually funny. I don’t hear their voices I just hear them in my head. They’re very insulting and say things like you’re scum, and insinuate I deserve to be mentally tortured and abused and never be loved by a male partner because I excluded someone from a group when I was 17. I know that is pretty horrible but I’ve worked on myself and grown up a lot since and feel I have learned from my mistake. But these thoughts make me think I am being punished by god and the Initials are kind of enacting vengeance. Sometimes I’ve thought the initials represent how the people are feeling in real life, but I’ve seen no evidence for that and know that’s irrational.
I am going to the gp again soon for more cbt, as I’ve had 2 rounds of cbt and it hasn’t helped. I’ve also been in hospital and was given cbt again for the second time after I left and moved house with my parents. I know a lot of it sounds bonkers, and it is! I am just wondering if anyone has any ideas what this could be, whether it’s ocd or something else, or dare I say something spiritual. I know it may not be the right place to post this and I hope I haven’t freaked anyone out. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Thank you