I’m feeling really down today and I have no one in real life to speak to so I’d appreciate any kind comments and advice about my situation. Sorry it’s so long
When I met DP we were FWB initially. I fell in love with him out of the blue so we decided to cool it off so it didn’t get complicated. He wasn’t interested in a relationship so the knock back really affected me more than any other before. I was devastated. I was drinking a lot of alcohol to hide the pain. He decided he liked me more than friends after a few months of no meet ups and we gave it a go. I was over the moon, but it didn’t feel like DP was. He’d drag his feet about meeting up, we didn’t have our first date until 3 months in, and he’d cancel a lot last minute in favour of meeting friends at a pub. The messing around he was doing really hurt me, I was constantly crying and drinking alcohol but I didn’t want to give up on him because I was stupidly in love with him.
It wasn’t until a while later after meeting his family and settling that I found out I wasn’t the only FWB. he’d been seeing other women too, talking to women online and paying women for things online (onlyfans?). It made sense why he messed me around so much as he probably couldn’t keep up with all the different women. So once again, devastated.
I saw him in a different light, that he saw women as a piece of meat and had no respect, I felt sick knowing he was more interested in watching porn or sending dick pics than to take me for lunch. He was really upset when he confessed everything and that he was sorry, he knew he wanted me and loved me, his parents said I’m the only woman he’s ever introduced them to, basically he grovelled and begged for forgiveness.
My self esteem was low, I felt down about myself and there was a situation happening in my personal life that made me cling to him for emotional support. He made me feel safe and wanted during that time despite what he’d done to me (and the other women). I still hated him and the trust was gone. I should have left and never looked back in hindsight, but I’m glad I stuck around.
He eventually admitted to me his mental health was in a bad way, he was suicidal and knew he needed help. The women and porn were a distraction. Yeah yeah, I thought as many of you here will probably say, but he got so low I was scared he would hurt himself. I confessed I felt the same way as not just his treatment of me, but the situation I was in at home made me feel similar and I just wanted it to all end. We bonded and as friends decided to support each other on getting better, like a pact to save the other.
My mental health improved a lot, he checked in on me a lot and sent me flowers, for the first time in my life I felt like a man was finally acting like an old fashioned gentleman. He seemed happier in himself too and got rid of all of his online accounts and put his effort into his friends and family. I was at the point where I didn’t feel like I needed a man to reassure me I was good enough anymore.
Now this is probably where you’ll all roll your eyes (if you made it this far) but we did end up starting a real relationship eventually. It was rocky at first because of what had happened previously, there wasn’t any trust so it took time to work on that, but we had amazing dates and we were both really happy finally, no expectations, just enjoying each other.
We’re still together now years on, but unfortunately neither of our mental health is great at the moment. im trying to support him as best I can while hiding away my depression.
As much as some of you may say ‘serves you right, you knew what you got yourself into’ etc, when my mental health is low my mind wanders back to the start of our relationship. I cry remembering that he didnt want me, how he knocked me back, how he was having sex with someone else, how he messed me around and left me broken, that i spent a long time wishing i could have access to his phone to check there isnt women or porn on it, that i loved him desperately and it wasnt reciprocated, that i dreamed of a happy future with him that didnt end up like the movies. I feel stupid letting the past eat me up when weve been happy since and there is no reason to doubt him. he feels so much guilt for that time i hate the reminder for us both.
We had no honeymoon period because of it which i resented him for. We missed out on a lot. Our relationship is a happy one but more like a couple who have been together for decades.
On paper it seems like we should never have got together because were both a mess, but im glad we did despite the past. I just struggle to let go of those old thoughts and feelings and that it has defined who we are. its our story and we cant change it to be romantic. he chose me but not without pain. Ive never known how to move past it and be fully happy.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation and eventually let it go? Do I need counselling? I don’t like to see it as a type of trauma but the fact it’s lingered means there’s something, right?
To add we’re fine and happy now (outside of the mental health problems) the trust is there and we love each other so I have no doubts or concerns about him.
Thanks if you made it this far.