I feel dead in the water. Like there isn't even any hope left now.

[deadinthewater]

I'm sure its cyclical. For me depression is cyclical. But no bastard doctor ever wants to acknowledge that and, IMHO, if you don't get the right treatment you won't improve. Although, I'm not sure there is a right treatment. I hate myself tonight. I have bawled out my children and they have cried and screamed and gone quiet. I am the shitiest person in the world. I am totally disgusting and I deserve to be shoved up against a wall and beaten hard. Sometimes I wish someone would, so I could feel it. I want it to be gone. I am disgusting. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

oh ...life does suck at times doesnt it and deprtession is shit

but dont hate yourself you are worth loving im sure

x

you do not deserve that at all. what you do deserve is the best treatment you can get and i am sorry i have to go , library pc about to expire

don't worry fransmom, you replied, thats sweet. and rosemary too. don't need any replies, I just wanted to see what it looked like.

and yes depression is cyclical fopr some people

it is for me but i have periods of mania too

you can just have a cycle which is unipolar tho

wish I could shout FUCK OFF at the top of my voice wish I could lie on a beach for 7 days and think of nothing wish I could stop worrying wish I could feel what calm is like wish I could be diagnosed wish I wish I wish I wish I wish

I wish I didn't have to leave to make dinner

well come back after

i havent got any food as i am a nob and forgot to get any

And how did it look to you? Did it look like it did to me? Very harsh and unfair on somebody who doesn't deserve it? No way do you deserve to be beaten. You deserve to be loved and treated properly. Go see another GP and keep seeing different GPs til you get a sympathtic good one (they do exist) who puts you on the correct course of treatment. If you had a raw wound on your foot which wasn't getting better you'd go back. You just happen to have a raw emotional/mental wound it deserves treatment and respect just the same. Just because you can't see it doesn't make it less worthy.
Your kids went quiet because they were shocked. If they totally ignored you shouting because they are used to it that would be different. They love you and I'm sure if they were old enough they would echo the sentiments of all of us here. Get better treatment because you're worth it (sorry that was almost anti-depressants sponsored by L'oreal there!
xx

chrissnow, worryingly your last statement doesn't take a giant step of the imagination. There was a time when prozac came under the rather judgey heading of "cosmetic psychopharmacology" . In america i think

But dead in the water, this is a serious situation, ive done the i hate myself thread. What treatment are you on, if any? When you say cyclical do you mean it follows a regular pattern or that it comes and goes randomly. Maybe you should make a dairy, see if you can spot a pattern forming, look for triggers etc. Could it be hormonal? PMT can make my depression ten times worse, SAD does it for others, etc etc. I dont know, im not a doctor, but if your doctors aren't listening to you, its time to get a second opinion.

I just mean that I can follow some sort of pattern. I feel bad, I feel slightly better, I can almost smile, I feel bad again, I feel worse than that, I feel shit, I feel mad, really, really angry, so mad my kids jump when I shout and have big eyes when I walk through then I go back to feeling bad and it goes on and on and on.

I have no treatment because I am ashamed. I drink too much to block it out. I sleep shit. I am spiralling madly and I don't know what to do and right now I am crying and my children are next door brushing teeth and I will wipe away the tears and look at them knowing I am so shit for them and I let them down every second of every day and I want it to be different. I want to bury myself in a pit and never come out. I hate myself so badly. I am a shit mother. I don't self harm because it makes me sick but I am beginning to understand why people do. I am off on a ramble. I just need to ease the pressure. Its fucking hell.

well you sound like you need to talk to someone

none of those things are good

you can do some self help tho

lifestyle managment is what i try and do