How do you open up and talk about yourself

[Sillywillywoowoo]

I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for quite a while and have been referred to a therapist. But I have never been able to talk.about personal stuff and after 2 sessions I still cant. I think when I agreed I had the idea that it would just be CBT but honestly I do think that I need more than that (probable PTSD from difficult childhood / parents with addiction etc) but I just feel so much shame and have such low self esteem that I don't know how to even talk about that stuff. I feel a bit like I should just stop making a fuss and like I'm not worth the effort. The thing is though I know that's ridiculous because the therapist is being PAID to listen and it's the whole point. She is being lovely and kind and saying that we can take it as slow as I need but I just can't. The thought of talking about stuff is actually making me feel so much more anxious and I'm feeling really low about how hard I'm finding it to do the thing that would help. Is this normal? How do I get past it?

Why don't you start by telling the therapist that you feel unable to open up about this stuff. Say what you said here. It's very hard for you and do they have any strategies that might help you. It is very common for people who have never been supported by others to feel unable to open up because you have been trained from childhood not to ask for help as none will arrive. It's a self-protective mechanism designed ot make you feel you can cope and if you let the guard down you might feel very vulnerable. It's worth being aware of this too and asking the therapist what you can do to shore yourself up again after any session that feels a bit to revealing or fragile.

It's okay to start small and start somewhere - anywhere. It doesn't have to be the big stuff all at once.

Have you tried maybe writing it out beforehand? Once you see it written down it might not be so difficult to say out loud. Can you take notes in with you?
It's not easy opening up but once you learn to love your voice it gets so much easier. I used to be incredibly shy and awkward but slowly l forced myself to say what was on my mind and now it's second nature, l never give it a second thought.
You have to remember there is nothing that the therapist hasn't already heard, there is no shame in you expressing yourself. We all have messy lives and stuff we would rather not have gone through. We are all human.

I agree with @OwlWeiwei - start by talking about this issue and take it slow.

Rome wasn't built in a day!

If you think about the things you find really hard to talk about, they would be level 10. Then there are things that are less distressing - if you could find something that is a 2 or 3, maybe you could start with that sort of memory. But trust your counsellor to help you work your way towards being able to talk.

I feel a little bit like my whole life is a lie and if I talk about the truth the whole house of cards will fall down. Only my husband and 1 friend even know about my parent being an alcoholic - I mostly just gloss over how they died. I definitely haven't spoke about the reality of it. And literally nobody knows about the fact that they were a drug addict when I was small and what it was like living with them. Even my younger sister I think isn't really aware. I've spent my whole life hiding this stuff. But yes maybe if I explain that to the therapist they'll be able to help with strategies?

I'm currently having emdr and it took me from March till September to really open up. What has helped is writing things down and then letting the psychologist read them out, she then uses that to start communication and over time I've got to the point of not needing to write it all down, although some weeks I'll write a few points down if I think I might not be able to speak about something. It has taken a long time but definitely I'm now seeing progress and it was worth pushing through and building up trust.
Can you write down what you've put here to help the therapist understand and maybe they will have ways to help you progress?

I agree with the suggestions to tell the therapist what you have written here. Maybe even print out your posts and take them for her to read. Maybe you could ask her for "homework", as in some suggestions of topics to write about or questions to answer. You do as much of that as you feel comfortable with and then bring the results in for her to read and go from there. I felt as if I was a total traitor to my family when I started talking about this stuff, largely because I was brought up forbidden to talk to anyone about anything to do with family. My initial therapy was written rather than face to face and I found that helped.

It's a simple truth but one you should keep repeating; you are not your parents, you had nothing to do with how they were, what they did or the choices they made long before you existed.

Were your grandparents or other family members ashamed of them? Somewhere along the line you've come to believe that their behaviour was something not to be discussed; can you remember who/why that was?

It doesn't matter that nobody else knows about your experience having a parent with addiction- it was your lived reality, and you now need help to process that.

When I have met new MH professionals, I take a bullet point list of what I want them to know. I read it out. I feel like a bit of a robot but having short clear sentences in bullet point really helps me. When I started therapy I had 11 things and we agreed in that session to spend a week on each subject. Those 11 weeks have turned into 5 years with her.

Thanks everyone. I think writing stuff down sounds like a good idea.
@CupcakeCat can I ask, please, when you say 11 things what sort of things do you mean? Obviously I don't mean specifics, but do you mean 11 ways things are affecting you, or 11 things that happened or what? I don't really know where to start. Sorry. I hope that's not too personal a question.

It was 11 reasons why I thought I needed help. For example, my mother's drinking problem (hidden to most too) was one, my own drinking was two.

Thank you very much. That makes sense

I am paying for my therapy and have no diagnosis but it is online and I have elected to have online live chats (rather than phone or video calls) since I find it excruciating to talk about myself - online chat gives me anonymity and I find it much easier to communicate this way. I wonder if this might be an option for you?

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm autistic so work a little differently.

For me the talking about all the trauma I went through as a child made me feel soo much worse. At one point I did group therapy and that was amazing for helping me manage my extreme emotions and overcome the physical reactionary part of PTSD. I made really good friends doing it too. But I had to end the friendships because talking about the history and knowing people know that stuff kept it alive for me.

I would focus on yourself and how you feel and how you cope and ways to adapt your coping so it's not as impacting on your life. Personally going through the details of exactly what happened was the most unhelpful thing I ever did. Learning to manage my emotional responses in the way a child learns because I was never taught was what I needed. But mostly you need to to process that you don't need to feel guilt and shame or anything like that. It was never your fault and you have nothing to feel bad about let that go. Go through the angry stage and then let it go. They fucked your life up enough you need to use the help to face that and that you don't have to let them keep ficking you life up.

I also find it very difficult to open up to people and can relate to your OP a lot. I started with a new therapist about six months ago and I still haven't managed to look at her in sessions. I look at the floor, my knee or if I'm feeling especially exposed, turn my body away from her to look at the wall.

What helps me (a little!) is telling myself I'm just as worthy of sharing my 'stuff' and my feelings as anyone else is. Shame wants to silence me, but that would also mean that my feelings of depression and anxiety would get no better. So I try to fight through it.

Part of that can look like literally telling my therapist "I'm having the thought that what I'm thinking about saying doesn't matter" when I'm really struggling to share something, and sometimes she just tells me to take my time with what I want to say, that there's no rush. Other times it leads to discussion about why I think what I want to share doesn't matter, and sometimes that can be almost more healing than if I'd just shared the thing.

So far I've never regretted opening up with her, even if I look and sound very uncomfortable. I know that my therapist is kind, that she wants to help me and that she won't make me go any faster than my own pace. She doesn't judge me for my awkward body posture or lack of eye contact.

I would also echo what others have said re writing things down. I wrote some thoughts/feelings down that I wanted my therapist to know but which I would have found impossible to share verbally. It was literally like a letter that I addressed to her. I gave the page to her to read and I actually left the room while she read it because I would have felt too anxious to be in the room. She was fine with that. On another occasion I have also written notes for myself which I've used to help me share in a session a very difficult topic that I felt a lot of shame and fear about. She didn't judge me, but told me how brave I was to share it with her.

My encouragement to you would be to start where you're at, and if all you're ready to share at the beginning is that you find it very difficult to share personal things about yourself, start there. That's just as valuable as unpacking all the "meat" of the root causes of your issues. As difficult as it is, I honestly believe that bringing the things that cause us most pain, hurt and shame into the light (with trusted people in a place that we feel safe, at a pace we are comfortable with) is one of the best things we can do to help ourselves feel better and live life to the full.