Not sure if I really have a question as such, just off-loading to be honest.
On Monday I turned 59. One year away from 60, obviously. Many people dread the passing of years and the loss of youthfulness and vitality.
I find myself in a completely different situation. I want this year to go, to pass in the blink of an eye, to go in a night while I sleep.
The reason may appear, superficially at least, as mercenary. I want to retire, to get my full pension, to live a life of relaxation and comfort, and more importantly 'safety'.
The reality is somewhat different. I find myself at a point in my life where any strength or resilience or even intellect has deserted me.
A lifetime of ‘functional’ and increasingly lately not-so-functional depression and an anxiety disorder, that I’ve somewhat been able to mask and push through, in spite of how negative it's made me feel about myself, has given way to an absolute inability to overcome either anymore.
32 years of being a nurse, 36 years total of care work have just exhausted me to the point where I have no drive to employ all the strategies I used to, to enable me to work and achieve, in spite of the mental health conditions I have being largely incompatible with doing so.
But, at the same time, 13 years of this particular government’s ineptitude and hostility to public sector workers has meant the double whammy of a cost of living crisis and decimated wages meaning that I have no resources to be able to walk away early.
Which brings me back to this year. I’m a year away from a modicum of financial safety, from the ability to walk away from a career that I feel currently unable to do. But it may as well be a decade. I’ve spent a year mostly unable to work, with no confidence that that will change in 2024, which may well mean I have no job as a result.
I feel scared, powerless, and a failure. None of which helps my mental well-being, none of which will solve the problem.
I would guess with some confidence that I’m not alone, both in nursing, wider care work, and the country as a whole. I feel somewhat self-pitying, I’m not suicidal after all, if I just man up and work for a year, all my problems go away. If only manning up was a thing, if only it was that easy, if only I hadn’t spent a lifetime fighting nerves and anxiety, if only I had any energy left.
I’ve looked forward to retirement I can’t deny it. But retirement on my terms, retirement after a career I could maybe be somewhat proud of. Not like this, not in a mess of fear and failure, and uncertainty and powerlessness.
Thanks for reading.