I feel utterly lost, anxious and down - sorry this is a long one

[onthedgegreen]

I am feeling really down and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I recently was offered a job at a new company after constantly looking after mat leave and I was offered a significant pay rise and opportunity and I bottled it. The job was exciting and I turned it down. The reason why is because I’m scared of leaving my current job due to the flexibility Security and the fact that they’re good with childcare if I need to leave if my child or me is poorly.

The new role even offered the hours I wanted and the days so there was no reason for me to turn it down. I was scared of the change and worried about the fact that I have been constantly ill since my child has gone to nursery and I didn’t want to start a new job being ill again and worrying about it. And I thought maybe I just wasn’t ready but just have this pang of regret ever since I’ve gone back to work after Christmas. I’ve cried every day because I know that I’m stuck there and that was my choice and I’ve blown it. I don’t know if I’ll get that opportunity ever again and I’m even too scared to contact them to see if it’s still available so I’m still unsure anyway.

Generally I’m feeling really anxious , I feel lost and trapped and like I’ve lost the person I was before I had my child. I used to be a go-getter - I would’ve taken the opportunity before with both hands. It doesn’t help that ever since my daughter has been born I’ve constantly been ill and tired with sleepless nights, my skin is bad from stress; it’s really hard still and don’t feel like feeling like this. I feel really really lost I just want to scream it’s not about my child as I love being a mum, it’s about how I feel. My husband works long hours but he helps where he can. We both work full time and I can’t afford to go part time.

I’ve gone to the doctors and nothing wrong with me in terms of my bloods. I do have an autoimmune disease but that’s been there for years.

I just don’t know what the purpose is of my life anymore, I’m just staying in a job that has no progression just for the security and flexibility, I still can’t lose the baby weight. I just feel shit and I don’t know how to make it better. ive been trying to get a positive attitude, getting out and walking more, it just doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost myself and all positivity and I don’t know why, help, what I do.

honestly - as someone who really struggled when my child was young I think you have made the right choice. The other role sounds super stressful and security is important when you have young children. Also, it does not mean that you can't make changes again in the future.

And also just to let you know as your child gets older things definitely get easier. I lost myself too. You have to congratulate yourself on getting through some of the hardest years of your life. Your life will come slowly back as your child grows! And now I am doing all the stuff I wanted to when my child was really young - it does come back again. It's not 100% perfect but life never is and at least I have a bit of me time again.

And who is to say you can't look for a new job now? One that fits both criteria - flexible, secure, fun and inspiring? Worth keeping looking for it. The world is your oyster!

And also as someone who struggled with autoimmune stuff after my child was born and for several years after I now believe it was down to the stress I put myself under to achieve - pressure I didn't need on top of looking after a child. It is much better now my child is older. So try not to put yourself under so much pressure for the next few years. Relax, take a holiday and give yourself a mental break from self pressurising. This will be the best thing you can do for yourself. If things are not perfect no worries. If you all eat beans on toast and don't wash up or make the beds every day that is fine. if you can find a way to cut down on work even better. Honestly it's not worth it.

Best of luck and I hope this is helpful!

Hi OP, I agree 100% with the PP and was about to post similar, although not as eloquently!
The early years are hard work. Things change as the kids get older. Opportunities will arise again but for now there's nothing wrong with plodding along for a while.

@1875bear thank you this was helpful, it’s so hard, I thought I would bounce back but two years on and I’m still finding things hard. I want more but at the same time I’m still exhausted and can’t take anymore on! Mentally just not great!

@Theordinary thank you, I need to try and accept that it’s okay to just go with the flow at this stage

@onthedgegreen I'm a lone parent and I honestly found it super hard until school started, and even then only felt fully human when DD turned about 8. So it is not surprising you are finding it hard at 2. In fact that is one of the hardest ages.

It got slowly easier between age around 4 - 8, because school marked a pronounced difference. So even 4 - 8 was pretty tough for me.

But I don't want to scare you - I think my personal situation was harder because I am a LP so hopefully you have a partner that helps out and it will be difficult for less time for you. But just know that it is perfectly normal to find it hard for however long you find it hard for even if that is several years!

As soon as I took the pressure off myself completely it got quite a bit easier. I think it is harder if you have dreams you are trying to fulfil and feel held back. But put them on ice for a bit or celebrate the small wins careerwise - if you can't find the time to dedicate, just know that it is normal.

Oh and book yourself a couple of things to look forwards to - could be a few days away, or an evening course, or a spa day or something a bit different and fun for you. If you have no fun you will of course feel depressed.