Feeling despondent with OCD and intrusive thoughts.

[Ilovedogs1]

Hi. I'm typing this whilst having a good cry in my car. I've had OCD for many years with many different themes. I've been on different meds and had therapy etc.
Last year I had a big breakdown with it. Was off work for months, couldn't leave the house etc. I went back to work in september and although have anxious periods I've been ok. I suffer with intrusive doubt a lot, about whether I've done anything wrong or bad, what if I have but don't remember etc. Sometimes when this is bad I get false memory type thoughts although deep down I know they aren't real.
I have a wonderful life, a fantastic husband who I love more than anything, 2 great kids pretty much adults now, pets and a job I enjoy. It's just this OCD, intrusive thoughts and lack of confidence ruins it all. I'm so aware of how lucky I am with everything else and I know there are plenty of other people with MH issues struggling. I've noticed just this week there have been several posts about OCD. I just feel like a broken person. Everyday there is some aspect of anxiety and everything I do is accompanied by anxious thinking.
I feel so bad for my husband who has to put up with me and also for my kids for having a weird mum. I'm determined to not let it win but right now I'm so fed up with being the way I am, with feeling full of dread and waiting for bad things to happen or worrying that they already have happened, hence having a good cry in the car. If you've read my really long post then thank you. X

I totally understand how you feel I'm similar and I feel bad my wee boy sees me so sad and my husband has to talk sense into me. Menopause hasn't helped either but hopefully a change of meds will.
Do you take any medication? X

Hi @Ilovedogs1 . I totally relate. I have OCD and horrendous anxiety. I too am plagued by intrusive thoughts and catastrophising, and feel bad about the impact it may have on my son. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to actually get through the day without having a complete breakdown. I don't have any great advice unfortunately, but you are not alone.

Can you remember when and why (was there a trigger) you began to have the intrusive thoughts?

@Dawn1331 thanks for replying. Yes I'm on fluoxitine. I've been on sertraline and citalopram over the years. Tbh I'm not sure how effective it is.
@SparklySpinster thanks also for your reply. Sometimes I think I'm chasing the impossible. I would like to not feel some sort of anxiety constantly. My husband thinks I'm expecting to much of myself and that it's only been a few months since my breakdown and that I'm still recovering.
@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for replying. I've had intrusive thoughts as long as I can remember but over different things over the years. Sometimes I feel weak for being like this and sometimes I think I must be strong for being this way but still have raised a family and have a professional job. Seeing all the posts on mumsnet about anxiety/ depression etc makes me feel like this is just the way it is.
I know my childhood must of had an impact on me as my parents had a very volatile relationship, lots of violence, police involvement etc. But that's been and gone I can't change it.
On top of this i appear to have some sort of bug. Headache and vomiting.😫

@TheBuggerlugs . Yes we were on the same thread last year. Tbh apart from a couple of nurses I saw just once with the crisis team last year I've not found MH services particularly helpful. They seemed to just up and up my meds till I was pretty much sleeping most of the time.

Here for you x I could of wrote this I had a bad breakdown myself and I've spiked again and i feel deflated

False memory. Is a bugger and the doubt and constant worry and trying to find an answer is draining !

@User628291938949 thanks for your reply. How do you manage your OCD?

I have suffered since I was little and I've only just started talking about it now, I have really bad trust and doubt issues with people and I opened up about 10 years ago and it was then I realised I can't trust anyone.
I have been the doctors but I'm terrified to go back! I have a loving partner and my children literally are my world like yourself I know how lucky I am to have that but anxiety and ocd is taking over

We can speak privately on here if you prefer

Hey all. Sorry not messaged for a few days . How is everyone doing?
@User628291938949 I've sent you a PM.

I hope everyone is OK. I started fluoxetine today and I'm already feeling it won't work. My anxiety is thru the roof.

After feeling quite determined I'm having a bad day. Intrusive thoughts are constant and I feel like I'm just waiting for everything to go wrong. I can't really even articulate how I feel atm, just overwhelming and relentless.

@Ilovedogs1 it's really so tiring. I have tried most techniques and always fall into the same pit. @Eyesopenwideawake @SparklySpinster @TheBuggerlugs how is everyone

Big hugs to you all. My DD has OCD and I think it's really poorly understood generally which makes it very hard to talk about. DD has also has issues of feeling very hurt and exposed on the rare occasions she's talked to people who don't get it. Thankfully she has some friends now who also experience OCD so it's much less lonely.
It is exhausting to constantly have to check your own thinking and not be sure you can trust your recollections if events. As the parent of someone with this, it seems to come and go, but there are definite triggers that seem to make it worse - for DD, such as being tired, times without structure (she's generally better in terms time) and she really needs quite long periods of time by herself with very low demands on her time or energy.

I'm having peer support sessions which I'm finding really helpful and I'm more determined to beat it than I have been for a long while but last couple of days been feeling a bit like 'what if this is all futile, what if this is as good as it gets, '
Those pesky 'what it's ' again. Any positive recovery stories from intrusive thoughts/false memory type stuff much appreciated as need a bit of a boost atm.