Any tips on staying strong

[avecmum]

I find it so hard sometimes as I have no one to talk to. I try to be so strong, as women we do don’t we trying to hold things together for everyone. I started 2024 with such a positive attitude and I can already feel that my incentive is getting chipped away at and it’s only the 2nd week. I know this is when you have to be even stronger but it’s so hard to keep this up when everyone around you comes to you and you have to constantly pick them up, give them encouragement. I even said to my husband yesterday when he was talking about my son, “can you not just encourage him, can you not just say you’re doing ok to him, well done, proud of you?” He says he doesn’t know how to! A few years ago when I was 50 is did a degree as I thought it would help me find work, I absolutely loved it but I think mainly because it gave me a necessary reason to have me time. It was so hard though, 3 children in their early 20’s at home and a family and house to run and a part time admin job. I remember saying can you not just say ‘’just keep going you’ll get there, don’t worry”. He said then he was rubbish at stuff like that.

I’m going off on a tangent I just wanted to talk to someone really. My husband doesn’t like his job most days and talks about retirement alot. My daughter has just got a lovely apartment in the city, she has been living with a girl for the last 2 years who doesn’t like work and is spoilt rotten. This girl was given a range rover for her 21st birthday and constantly told my daughter to not worry about money as it comes and it goes. She hasn’t worked for 10 months out of the last 12 with her dad paying her rent and funding her lifestyle while she laid in bed all day and put glamorous pictures all over Instagram. I get it’s hard to be around someone like this, my daughter has her own small business and has funded her own life for the last 2 years but this girl has constantly put her down. On one occasion my daughter had a client who had travelled across the country to have treatment with my daughter, my daughter was so proud and grateful and this girl just said “she needs to get a life”. We are all so grateful now as that tenancy has just now ended and this girl is going travelling round the world, all funded by her father and fortunately my daughter has found a nice new lovely apartment on her own, while the rent and bills are extortionate she is away from this girl. However her attitude has changed and she says I won’t know anyone, I’m on my own in the city and I have to say your 25 join things go to exercise classes. It’s exhausting! Every day I am here for everyone, my mum too has the early stages of dementia, I know though that this has progressed recently she lives with my 90 year old dad and I go shopping with her and help them with their bills, housework etc. I was made redundant 2 years ago and keep saying I’m going to see if I can find work working from home. I worked in executive support and loved it before I was made redundant. I have 2 son’s too one who works as a teacher in secondary education and he finds it hard at times, my other son keeps telling me to get set up on LinkedIn and someone will be out there who needs my help. I’ve totally lost my confidence though. I love sewing and make clothes and have wanted to create a blog and instagram and tiktok for so long just to connect with people with the same interests but it always gets put on the back burner just with life and my lack of confidence. I can’t talk to anyone. I have one old friend who only really contacts me when they want something or have to if it is a birthday or Christmas while I see them out and about on social media and another female family member on my husband’s side who has started to do the same recently. If we go anywhere I always drive, I was so strong at the start of 2024 and it’s only the second week and I can feel myself slipping into a low mindset. I would never talk to either of these people has things have been repeated in the past that I have said in confidence and I have been shot down although I have always been there for them when my female family member needed support. I have been strong in the past I lost my only sibling, my brother 30 years ago when he was 18 in a road accident and I was so strong and have been all my life regarding this, you never get over something like that you just learn to live with it. It all seems a lot sometimes. Does anyone have any tips out there on how to stay strong, sometimes you just need someone to talk to say you’re doing ok keep going, stay strong without any judgement. XX

Charities are crying out for people like you - people with time, life experience, wisdom and empathy. Have you considered volunteering? So many sectors to chose from; animals, families, helping the elderly, food banks, etc. In helping others you could help yourself find a purpose to your life.

I think you need to expect your husband and children to stand on their own 2 feet more. There is a limit to your responsibility for making everyone else feel good. Listening sympathetically to your family is one thing, but you shouldn't really be wasting your own precious headspace about your DDs dodgy flat mate. It sounds like you are highly capable and as soon as you put your mind to some other project, whatever it is, I expect you will feel your confidence rushing back.

Oh OP I can relate to a lot of what you've said, and I'm sure many others will too. I'm not sure I have any real advice but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Just weeks into the new year, I am also feeling bogged down with responsibility, having started with the best intentions and I am feeling quite down also. We think that once our kids start leading their own lives that things will be easier, but they are still finding their feet and they still need us.

One thing I do when things start to get to much is to say to myself: Right now, in this moment, just do the next thing that needs doing. Just focus solely on that one thing, finish it and then see what can be done next. Step by step, however small.

It's totally normal to lose confidence after being out of the work place for a time. Just take small steps. I think your son's idea to get set up on LinkedIn is a good thing. Why not set up your profile and just see what happens? There was a good tip from @Eyesopenwideawake about volunteering - that could be a foot in the door to somewhere?

Could you find somewhere to host a blog and write a first post? Or maybe plan what you want to post about? Set up an Instagram account and start posting your sewing projects? Even just writing down a vague plan to get it down on paper.

Also, don't forget to look after yourself. Whilst picking everyone else up and fighting fires here and there we can burn ourselves out and then we're no use to anyone. Your daughter sounds like she's doing OK - she has her own business and a client who travelled across the country to see her - that's amazing! It's good that this girl is out of her life now, maybe it will take time for her to find her way but I'm sure she'll get there. We can't shield them from everything in life, they'll have some hard times but then come out the other side stronger for it. I have to remind myself of this all the time and I always try to fix my kids' problems, then remember that I can't always jump in and rescue them. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh OP, I'm just trying to say that they need the freedom to make mistakes like we did when we were young, and it might take some of the feeling of responsibility off you. Sometimes we feel like we're responsible for everybody else's stuff and that will wear us down.

Hugs.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, I love the idea of voluntary work but with times being hard at the moment I do need to earn something really if i can. Thank you @Buttheywereonlysatellites51 I can tell by your reply you understand. I understand that it is all small steps so just going to keep going and know that there will be ups and downs everyday and try and do more exercise which will hopefully help. Take care and thank you all again.