Is there something wrong with me?

[bluebellcopse]

Apologies if I've posted in the wrong place here, I wasn't sure where would be appropriate!

I'm just wondering if my lack of emotion is a symptom of anything, or if I'm just a cold and heartless person.

Over the past few years I've had a fair share of family illness where I've been heavily involved in caring for the people concerned - first it was my grandfather who I was very close to. I helped care for him doing all his shopping/taking to appointments/general admin until he went into a home then visited regularly/sorted anything out with the care home until he died.

Shortly after that one parent got ill, obviously again I was very involved and they died after 18 months of illness. I haven't grieved at all really, I just accepted it and moved on which seemed weird. The other parent then got ill and I've supported them through their recovery.

Just as life seemed to be back on an even keel and I hadn't got anyone to worry about, my husband now has some potentially serious health issues and is undergoing tests. I feel nothing and I don't know why. I feel like I should be emotional and terribly worried, but I just feel numb to the whole situation. Like, whatever happens happens.

I don't know if I've just become hardened to it all or what, but it's not normal is it?

Hi OP. I cared for my Mum for years before she passed away, now my Dad is very unwell but the difference is I now live over 300 miles away. I get how you are feeling. I try and do a lot for my Dad from a distance but in many ways don't have the emotional investment if that makes sense- I also have a disabled partner and I can only deal with a certain amount of issues. This may make me seem cold but after my Mum- and no help from sibling at the time- I felt drained and 'spent' of empathy. To a point that has stayed with me a bit and I often wonder if I'm "missing a component" but have come to realise that I'm not cold or abnormal I am just human

To add/clarify I do care for my partner and worry about him. You may find this just kicks in at some point but I think you have been drained similarly to how I was

If it's normal for you, it's normal. Certainly with the deaths of your grandfather and parent it was the natural conclusion to a long term situation (and possibly a relief for them, and maybe for you?) so not grieving wouldn't be unusual.

With your husband maybe it's the case that you have learned to deal with things as they happen and not to speculate about the future. You being worried and emotional certainly won't help him cope with whatever he's got ahead of him.

Were your parents stoical? What did you learn about showing emotions growing up?

You may have done a lot of your grieving during the illness.

I have been a carer for decades and have had to be incredibly pragmatic & sensible about all sorts of emotional things otherwise I would frankly have sunk. I see it as a useful skill. It doesn't mean I don't care deeply. I do cry but I can't wallow because I don't have the time tbh. You may also have a lot of coping strategies. I know I do, and I know how to lift my mood.

It's almost like I compartmentalise it and think "right, that's happening but I can't do anything about it so no point worrying". Which does sound like a good life skill but I'm aware it makes me seem like a callous old witch.

My husband is also the type of person who is very negative and is already claiming to be at death's door so I suppose I'm railing against that attitude.

I doubt you're callous at all OP. You have cared for a lot of people. It obviously doesn't help if your husband has a negative outlook- remember as humans we can only empathise so much, and only give so much especially when we've been calling on our resources for a long time. Don't be too hard on yourself