Things seem great but I don’t feel that way and I don’t know why

[Justamblingalong]

Not really sure where to start really, spending yet another sleepless night awake having negative thoughts is starting to wear me down a bit, so thought I would write it here to try and make sense of it all. I’ve always found mumsnet to be somewhere I could relate to so hopefully this helps.

On paper I have a good life, mid 30s, wonderful DH and DS , currently in good health, (although could do with using a few pounds) have adorable pets and live in a calm neighbourhood. I have a lovely house (mortgaged) , and a job where I can wfh 2 days a week.

And yet, I feel utterly ungrateful and despondent and the feeling of needing to escape grows stronger every week. There’s something in my brain that doesn’t make me appreciate everything I have which in turn makes me feel like absolute rubbish.

I’ve worked at the same place for 20 years and my colleagues could not care less about me and leave me out of everything - professionally and socially. I try my hardest to be hardworking, available and helpful but it seems as though the lazy and aggressive ones come out on top. My boss labels me as emotional when I eventually make my feelings known about issues (which isn’t often) so have completely detached from them in the last year. I dread going in to the point where I feel ill the night before. I’ve tried interviews for other jobs but not got anywhere.

I’ve reached out to friends / colleagues / school mums / school friends / neighbours for social interaction but no one wants to know (unless I can serve them a purpose or be a listening ear). People are happy to chat on a superficial level but when I suggest anything more (a coffee, a meal out, etc) it’s always no.

My family have started leaving me out of big events like milestone birthday parties and weddings (bit obvious when I’m the only one out of 20 not invited) this includes my parents and DB who I have stepped away from who have treated me appallingly over the years (narcisstic and lack of empathy to name a few reasons, that’s for another thread perhaps)

My DS relies on me a lot for social interaction (he’s 10) so I try and arrange play dates with classmates but the mums either never commit or the classmates he wants to hang with are horrible to him.

My DH has no friends but is very happy with the situation as he’s not very sociable anyway.

I have semi seriously said to my DH we should move , but for all the good reasons listed at the beginning he has refused , if I was happy with my lot I can absolutely see why I should stay. But I feel so down and almost trapped , yet I know the problem must be me as it can’t be everyone else at fault surely?

I have such anxiety about stupid things as well and always thinking of the worse case scenario. I feel like mentally I’ve given up on the world :-(

I’ve tried anti depressants in the past, did have post natal depression so was on citrolopram for 18 months but I didn’t like the way it made me feel (ie numb, couldn’t cry or laugh for months) So not really keen on doing that again.

If you have got to the end of this well done, I realise how ungrateful and pathetic I sound , I would love some words of wisdom if possible or just to see if anyone else felt the same .

Neither pathetic or ungrateful. Just because you're not struggling financially or in an abusive relationship doesn't mean you should not feel any negative emotions.

Why do you think you don't have meaningful relationships with colleagues (not particularly unusual, to be fair) friends (ditto, especially during the young childhood years) and family - that's the one that made me want to reply. That is strange. Apologies for the cliche but how was your childhood?

Hi @Eyesopenwideawake thanks for a lovely reply, I wasn’t expecting it :-)

whilst trying not to treat you like free therapy , in short my childhood was fine in that I was clothed, fed and kept safe. Emotionally though, my parents didn’t want to know, I wasn’t allowed to talk about emotions or life issues (first period etc) as it just wasn’t the done thing and my mum couldn’t handle any displays of emotion.

I was told to stop crying at a funeral etc (wasn’t wailing or anything dramatic, just asked for a tissue quietly) and my parents have said separately to me that they stayed with each other for the kids and have made that very clear, I felt like I had an insight to their marital
problems even though I didn’t want to know to ask to. It probably has an influence in my life but I’m trying hard to get away from it.

Have you thought about having therapy OP? The things you are talking about are exactly the kind of issues people bring to therapy. A sense of dissatisfaction, difficulty connecting in relationships.

Counselling Directory, Psychology Today and BACP all have lists of counsellors.

The childhood you are describing sounds really dysfunctional. You shouldn't have been a sounding board for your parents' unhappiness. Also emotional neglect has been shown to be as harmful as physical neglect. We're born to be social creatures, and being left out is hurtful.

Have you thought of getting involved in volunteering? You sound like a lovely person who would be welcomed into that kind of world.

Don't feel bad about feeling unhappy. We all need to connect to others and if it's not happening it can be very painful.

I agree with @Pelham678 - some sort of therapy or counselling would be far more appropriate that a medical approach as you clearly know where you concerns are rooted. And just because there are no pressing reasons for you to move it's wrong (or at least discourteous) of your husband not to have that conversation. There are other lovely houses, good jobs and calm neighbourhoods in lots of places - crucially at a distance from your family.

Finally it's not you. Have a look at this article on Core Beliefs to understand how and why you think the way you do.

@Eyesopenwideawake @Pelham678 thank you so much for your kind words. Counselling / therapy is something I always wanted to do, but never thought I could make the time or afford it (or deserve it which is probably a catch 22). I have considered getting an evening job to make friends but thought it was a bit extreme. Volunteering sounds interesting though. I do think it’s important I look into the counselling / therapy now though, I’ll have a look at that article as well.

Thanks to both of you for being really kind, I really appreciated it, it’s made me a bit teary! 🥲

You certainly deserve it OP. Think of it as an opportunity to throw off what happened in your past. It might seem expensive but probably less than what you'd spend on a holiday even if you went for a couple of years (taking into account holiday times). You might well benefit from going even for a few months.

I know from personal experience that a bad childhood can mean we don't expect people to be kind to us, or that we deserve it, but believe me, you really do.

I have no family, no friends, no support. The only people who see me are paid to (mental health nurse/social worker etc) if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t be here but even then I think they deserve better so maybe I should just end it all. Sorry no advice but you’re definitely not on your own

I could have written this myself OP, unfortunately I don’t have anything helpful to add but reading your post is the first time I’ve felt like I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way and had similar child hood experiences.

@Chichimcgee I’m sorry for the situation you’re in and you’re feeling so down.

@Effitall thanks for replying, and sorry you feel this way too.

I’m looking into therapy and counselling options at the moment, but in the meantime I’ve really pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I’ve got in touch with a couple of people from my past who I didn’t think would want to hear from me again but it turns out that they might. I’m meeting up with them next week. It’s not much, but it’s a start. I think the fear of rejection is what has / is holding me back, I was always one to “go along” with things and never initiate for fear of being shot down. I need to let go of the fear and accept that I’ll be shot down sometimes but other times I might not! If all else fails I’ll make friends with my DS’s friends (I am sort of joking!!)