My mum is suicidal

[Chipmunk09]

Apologies for the long post but I felt the background was important. Thank you to anyone who manages to read it all.

DF died quite abruptly from a brain tumour in 2021. DF was the love of DM’s life and she has found it very difficult since then to function or adjust to the major changes that have taken place, understandably.

I gave birth to DS 3 months after my DF passed and we moved into a flat about an 8 minute drive from her home so we could be close to her. She has had many lows during that time, and often would take them out on me. Although I don’t think this was intentional.

I have since had to move slightly further out because we couldn’t afford to live in that area anymore. We are now about a 45 min drive away. Since then I have made a lot of effort to make sure I see her often. She looks after my DS once a week, which she volunteered to do because she reduced her work hours. I visit almost every weekend. We talk every single day.

For Christmas we stayed around DM’s for 4 days, as I know she finds this time of year hard. I thought if we were together she would have space to express her feelings and take her mind off things.

We decided to spend new years with DH’s family to balance everything as much as possible. He hadn’t seen his family for about 6 weeks, as they live at the opposite end of the country. I thought DM was spending NYE with a few family members - turns out they decided not to.

During my stay at the in laws, DM was messaging me frequently saying she feels lonely and that it’ll be like this forever and she hasn’t spoken to a single person in days. She made me feel extremely guilty for going away. I reassured her I would be back soon. My DB lives with her but was away with his GF and came back on New Years Eve.

She then sent me and DB a long message on New Year’s Eve to say she has had the worst 4 days of her life and she considered killing herself twice. I was shocked. She has had low moods but never expressed wanting to kill herself. She said she is no longer going to do things to make me or DB happy, especially when she is ‘forced to’.

I replied to say she means the world to me and she’s never a burden and she can speak to me whenever she needs to. But on reflection, I am really hurt by her message. I have tried on many many occasions to speak to her about how she’s feeling. I am also still grieving myself, which she rarely acknowledges. I have put her first in so many situations and I really don’t feel like a daughter anymore. I feel responsible for her low moods and I am really mentally drained.

I don’t know how to handle this situation and really just need advice. I am worried she may do something if she feels this low again. She has barely messaged me since or asked about DS. I know she is ok because DB cancelled his NYE plans and is home with her but I’m just worried, hurt and confused.

I'm so sorry that sounds awful for you and your brother. My own mum has suffered with her mental health (not to that extent) but I know how draining it can be for those who love them, you just feel really helpless.

I know it's hard but you shouldn't feel guilty, it sounds like you both do as much as you can for her.

Does she have many friends nearby that she could reach out / make plans with? I know from my own mum I have suggested this before when she has felt low but she never takes the advice unfortunately.

Your mum sounds like she would really benefit from counselling, would she be open to that?

I am so sorry, that is very hard. You do have a right to feel hurt, but I mean this from the kindest possible place as you are confused....your mum is unwell mentally and she is grieving and she is taking it out on you to an extent, finding it hard to see that you have social lives and she sees loneliness ahead and unintentionally making you feel guilty. That is what it is, it's not meant to be a wedge between you, but sometimes life asks us to do hard things. What she is saying behind it is that you are really, really important to her, and that is kind of beautiful really. But.....what she does need is some kind of help and support and a plan to get her introduced to some social activities because she cannot live like this - that is where you can help especially if you have the means to do research and look things up etc. I think also if you can try and find some ways of sharing how you feel, honouring the memories etc., as you may find a catharsis together in sharing your grief.

I write this from a place of love (for my grandad) as my granddad committed suicide after my grandmother died. My dad has never forgiven himself, although he rarely discusses it, I know the pain and burden has been a source of depression for him over the years, and it is a source of tremendous sadness to him. Best wishes to you and your family OP.

I'm not meaning this to sound awful OP but it sounds like your mother is trying to control you and your brother in quite a nasty way.
She's managing to get by with the support of you both, but when you have both some something for yourselves, she is threatening suicide.

Thank you for your replies. She has many friends, a couple of really close friends and her sister, nieces and nephews.

I’m not quite sure why she didn’t make plans during the four days she was alone. Usually she does meet with friends and her sister is always around, but I do think she often self sabotages situations because of her low mood.

She is currently seeing a counsellor and I have asked if she would be willing to do a family session. It might be beneficial to talk things out in a neutral space and she seemed keen to do it. I’ve also urged her to speak with her GP to see if they can offer any support and she’s agreed to do that.

@supersonicginandtonic your comment stuck out to me because recently I have felt that she can be quite manipulative when myself and DB have plans. She often guilt trips DB into cancelling his plans and he feels his relationship with his GF is quite strained because of her behaviour. I don’t think it’s truly intentional, maybe she’s not thinking straight.

If She is actually threatening self harm she needs the crisis team. Can you call them? Or better, get her to. If not, urgent gp appointment tomorrow.

Your mum is clearly suffering and not in her right mind, but I have to agree with PP in that it sounds like she’s using the threat of suicide to control your actions and make you feel guilty. I would call the GP and ask for help, but also maybe she needs some bereavement counselling, so she has someone to lean on other than you, as you are also grieving.

I would take any talk of suicide very seriously and as above get the GP involved as soon as possible - let the mental health team take control
I think you may also benefit from counselling separately yourself as it’s very difficult to support someone with mental illness and you have your own family and bereavement issues
to contend with

My parent does/has done similar, it is frightening and confusing. They've also not acknowledged my grief and you start to feel bad for resenting the pressure they put you under, as it is one-sided and being on constant alert for another message/dump of emotion is so stressful. But really you can only help other people to a certain extent. It sounds like your DM wants someone around all the time, on her terms and that is just not possible. Also mental health services are in a dire state now and the necessary support just isn't there.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice as I've had to put up with this for years now and it has damaged my mental health, career and relationship. You will get people saying awww hun but it's your muuuum; ignore them, they don't understand how badly this can affect you. I have called a mental health helpline for support for myself and they have been helpful so maybe that would work for you and for her. good luck.