I wish I was dead.

[Anon1213]

Hi all. I have changed my name for this post.

I am not coping at all. I am overwhelmed and drowning and I wish I was dead.

I have three children, all girls. Two are home educated - DD1 (14) has severe anxiety, self harms, depression and 'emerging traits' of a personality disorder. She refused school to the point it was impacting the family every day and has seemed much happier since we began home ed. DD2 (13) has emotional and behavioural difficulties and was being suspended constantly. She was on the verge of permanent exclusion and begging for home ed so I deregistered her recently. She tells me to kill myself daily - I ask the simplest of things and she replies with something along the lines of 'going fucking kill yourself you fat bitch'. DD3 (6) is in mainstream school and is being tested for ADHD.

I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder - medicated on lithium, aripiprazole and promazine. I am under the community mental health team, have a care coordinator and a psychiatrist. I separated from my partner (of 4 years - not the kids dad) about 5 months ago - my family didn't like him at all as he was very controlling and they assured me if we broke up I wouldn't be alone, they would support me etc. They are nowhere to be seen. I saw them once on Christmas Day for a few hours and haven't heard or seen of them other than that for the last month. I have reached out, told my mum I am drowning and overwhelmed - that I can't cope and I'm at the end of my rope. She said she is 60 and works full time and she does what she can.

My kids dad has them once a week on a Friday night. He works away throughout the week. I have told him how much I am struggling however he doesn't understand mental health at all and replied something along the lines of 'there are millions of single mothers coping on their own so why the fuck can't you'. I cried this morning and he said 'im not giving you the time of day' and left. He is addicted to cocaine and I hate the way he speaks to me but it will never change.

To top it off, a month ago I found out I was pregnant by someone I've been seeing casually. I took the abortion pills however I only had half an hour worth of bleeding and have had continued pregnancy symptoms and am still testing positive. I have rang the clinic who have asked me to go back in for blood tests/ultrasound however I have no childcare at all and can't take the kids with me so haven't been able to go.

I thoroughly wish I was dead. I can't cope with life and I don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself and my life and I am completely drowning. I don't even think I am asking for advice here but more just getting my thoughts down. Sorry this was so depressing.

Do you want to tell us what the issues are and see if we can help op?

OP you need to see what support os out there from.external agencies. This is too much for one person to deal with.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. You have a shitload of stuff going on there and it must be extremely difficult for you to hold all this together.

You do need some help. You probably need to create a plan to manage the pregnancy first as it could affect your own health and aside it's not something you wanted.

Who teaches the girls at home? Can you go out during the day, or could a family member or friends come and sit with them whilst you go to the appointment? Think practically and we can work through one thing at a time to reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Sending hugs. I've had that nonsense about other mums coping thrown at me, too. It's not true: being a single parent of three is incredibly difficult even without chronic disability and even if the children are happy at school. I'm a single parent to one DC and it has been very hard!

Can you reach out for all support available in your area? I know it's hard with all the cuts to services, but there might be a Home Start branch, a Mind service, or similar?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

That is a lot to deal with for anyone so you definitely need to reach out for help. The pregnancy situation you must be seen soon. Can you go while the kids are at their dads on a Friday? Although your mum works could she not possibly come over one day after work to watch them for an hour?

He doesn't have them til 7/8pm on the Friday evening at which point the clinic is shut and I have to be home again Saturday morning. My mum is Irish Catholic and would never watch the kids so I could go get an abortion, plus with her work hours I wouldn't get there in time even if I made up another reason she needed to watch them.

I think you need to talk to your care coordinator about getting some practical help with childcare until you can get a bit more sorted. That's what she’s there for. You need to be honest with her about your suicidal feelings. I know you probably don’t want to discuss it with her but it’s better than an actual suicide attempt or worse.

Can you ask their dad to have them for longer. Just say you have a medical appointment, would he do that?

Agree with previous poster to speak to your co-ordinary or so they can offer more help.

Could you take the two eldest with you to the appointment during the day whilst the youngest is at school and just explain that you are having some difficulties with your ovaries and periods etc so they are doing a scan? Would explain why you are there and you could leave them in the waiting room whilst you go in?

OP I can hear your desperation. I don't see why a 14 and 13 year old can't stay home alone whilst your 6 year old is at school to sort out going back to the clinic so they can check if you're still pregnant. Your first priority should be to secure your abortion. You absolutely cannot cope with a pregnancy on top of your load. In your position I'd phone SS and tell them your older DD's are in desperate need of counselling. Ask if they can be given an independent visitor who can meet up with them once a week and take them out on a 1-1 basis. I think you can still self refer for a SW. Ask SS for help. Tell your GP how you are not coping and ask GP for a referral. With your MH issues you can't be expected to cope with 3 DC, especially 2 with quite significant needs on your own.

OP I'm a Foster Carer and last year I looked after 2 teens with issues whilst their Mum was getting treatment in hospital for cancer. She had a 3 year old too but she went to grandparents. I looked after the teens so they could continue with their own school. SS have it in their power to do things like this. The teens went back after 6 weeks. Mum had a good rest. I took them to visit her in the hospital twice a week.