Hi all, please give me your suggestions and thoughts.
Been with DH for 10+ years. I have a large family and we’re extremely close. DH has family too but more in regular contact with a good number of lifelong friends.
During lockdown, DH and BIL had a huge argument/fight and since then don’t talk to each other after BIL stormed out.
It took a while for it all to blow over and a lot of the fault was with BIL according to the entire family. We were all angry at the incident but DH vowed never to ever reconcile. I genuinely thought it was just a figure of speech. It wasn’t. It’s 4 years on and if anything DH anger towards him has gotten worse.
After the incident, BIL eventually started joining the family gatherings and although it was a little awkward at first, it got better as time went on. So much so you would never think such an incident ever occurred.
However, since we all live close by and our house is the biggest, my parents will tend to come by (after getting my permission) and this leads to all my siblings and their kids turning up too.
I don’t really mind it as I like the hustle of bustle of a loud and large family but DH prefers quiet and privacy.
It’s coming on to 4 years and DH loathes BIL. He can’t stand it when they come over and visibly gets irritated.
I try to make sure they don’t come into contact with each other but sometimes their paths have crossed. BIL sent a short apology text saying let’s move on shortly after the incident but DH just looked at the message and locked his phone. Indicating he didn’t even want to entertain the thought of accepting this (apology).
We all tried getting him to reconcile for the sake of the family but he stood his ground and still does today. I’ve given up asking because he was standing firm and saw no movement.
My sister and I are very close and thankfully haven’t allowed this to affect our relationship. As a sign of loyalty (and partly because of his behaviour during the incident) I also don’t speak to BIL.
But honestly, I’ve always been one of those people who doesn’t hold on to grudges.
But DH is something else. He’s the champion of holding grudges and has told me about how many times he’s been betrayed by people in the past and has cut them out of his life too.
The problem is it’s not some friend I hardly see- it’s my sisters husband.
And now it really gets me anxious on how he’s going to be when they come round or there’s family parties.
He gets visibly moody, irritable, snaps at the smallest things, no smiling or socialising with the rest of the family either.
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells whenever they come over (about 2-3 times a week).
It’s really impacted me my mental health as now as I get anxious if I know they will be coming round when DH is home. I can’t tell my sister not to come over or not to bring BIL over because that’s rude. I just don’t feel I can do that.
I’m angry with DH for holding on to this anger and don’t know how to get him to let it go.
Every time I mention this, he just goes on about all the wrong things BIL did. The main thing is the total lack of respect BIL showed him which he can’t take, accept and move on from.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to rock the boat with my family and also want DH to get over his grudge/anger issues.
I genuinely can’t take this anymore and feel stuck in the middle.
Any suggestions welcome. I’m sorry for the long post/rant.
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