How do I get better at handling stress?

[Feelsolow23]

I'm feeling really low. I feel like I don't handle stress very well and that leads to me being snappy and visibly stressed. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of being like this but no matter how hard I try I don't seem to be able to keep a lid on it all the time. It it pops up in different ways, like when we were opening xmas presents it stressed me out that DH was handing presents out willy nilly to open - I wanted the pleasure of giving the presents I'd bought to people myself and watching them open them and I snapped at him to stop. I've had feedback at work that when i handle high pressure situations it is obvious that I am stressed (maybe the fact i hear the problem and send messages straight away without thinking them through) and that rattles junior staff. I have 2 DC who are 4 and 1 and so noisy and messy, and my DH will add to the noise with music and playfully winding the kids up and it feels horribly overwhelming and I really struggle to stay calm and not snap and turn the music off. I hate being like this and really try hard to be unruffled but don't seem to be able to manage it.

As context, my mum is a massive stress head and I was brought up seeing her massively overreact over little things. I have tried really hard not to be like this, and I am much much calmer than she was (eg when I cook with my kid I am totally calm when she drops eggs on the floor or breaks bowls or whatever, and have drummed it into her that it's totally fine to make mistakes, we just clear it up and no harm done.) Equally I can be calm in other situations, I smashed a window by accident yesterday and was able to not freak out, calmly get my two small kids away from loads of glass and call to arrange a repair. I think the difference with that sitiation is that i didn't 'feel' lots of stress - i didn’t get a rush of emotions and get overwhelmed, i guess because it was a single thing which happened so it wasnt too much to process and deal with (my mum would have gone nuclear in that situation). It's more the day to day stuff, getting out of the door, getting a special meal on the table when lots of people are around which I struggle with - it feels like my emotions get full up and then something (noise, somebody else's actions, mess etc) push me over the edge and i can't keep a lid on my reaction. Also for context, I have a long history of anxiety and depression, but these have largely been under control since taking SSRIs for the last 5 years.

I'm feeling really shit about myself and looking for advice about how to get better at this. Please be kind and don't tell me how awful I am, I am perfectly aware that it's not good to behave like this and it's not for want of trying to change.

Oh goodness OP, I’m so sorry that I have no advice but I had to reply because I honestly could have posted this word for word and have been thinking about doing so. For me the biggest triggers are noise and things being “out of order” – so untidiness, but also just having lots of people around who aren’t normally there, or furniture pulled out for whatever reason etc etc. I hate being this way, it’s making me miserable!

Thank you - it helps to know I'm not alone TBH. I dont know if it's normal to be so overwhelmed by mess and noise, I don't know if other people find it stressful too but just manage it better.

If possible, regular Yoga, including meditation and pranayama (breath/energy work). Find someone who teaches classical Indian Hatha Yoga and who understands the 8 limbs of Yoga. Try to do at least 5-10 minutes every day as well as perhaps a weekly or twice weekly class.

This is what transformed me from being a stress-head to someone much calmer and able to prioritise better. (And as my username suggests, I also teach this now).

I'm not very good at following this advice but I've been advised to articulate the stress as neutrally as possible.

"It stresses me out when you hand present out quickly like that as I wanted to be able to see X open the present I'd chosen for them. could we slow it down a bit? "

Hi, I am sorry you are feeling like this. I can relate to how you are feeling. I was brought up by parents who died not handle stress very well and I am the same.

In recent years I have got much better at dealing with it. Maybe age has something to do with it, I don't know. The things I felt I had to do to help myself were, remove myself from situations and people who made me feel stressed, change job, better diet, take multivitamin that includes iron because my iron was always on the low side, sleep well, be more organised at home.

I have more routine in myife and less unpredictable situations. When I snap at people because I am stressed I apologise quickly and explain it is because I am stressed. Saying it out loud helps me come out of it.

I am still working on it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Probably there are alot of people who feel the same. Try to focus on the positive things in your life.

Look up DBT, particularly Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance. There are online resources you can read and exercises you can try, to try to increase your ability to cope with stressful situations.

In the moment, slow down and breathe. If you are standing, sit. If you are sitting, stand and then sit back down. You do not need to reply to an email straight away, you can take a minute to write your thoughts out before you go to speak to a colleague. Draft a work email, then go to look out of the window, then come back and tone down the language in the email so it doesn't sound stressy. In meetings, don't contribute unless essential while you get a handle on this. Think about what you can let go. Observe what happens if you simply let your DP hand out the presents in the wrong way, if this is possible for you.
Edited to add: box breathing is very useful for giving your brain just enough time to notice that actually there is no danger here.

On a daily basis, try yoga, meditation and/or journalling. Get enough sleep, exercise, vitamins. Ideally cut out alcohol, nicotine and caffeine - but that can be easier said than done so think through any big changes here. Buy some noise cancelling headphones. Go and drink a cup of tea looking out of the window in any room that doesn't have noise in it. Observe what happens when you choose to calm down.

And to tackle the likely underlying emotional cause, have you had any counselling about: As context, my mum is a massive stress head and I was brought up seeing her massively overreact over little things ?

I sympathise and understand and am sorry that you are feeling this way. Focus on what you have achieved, recognising the issues, managing to be less like your mother and being able to cope in a crisis, these really are all achievements! Maybe recognise that this a stage in your life when you are at maximum potential stress, lots of individual demands, children, house, work, Christmas etc. I have learned to cope better in recent years but it is infinitely easier when you can structure your life to suit.
Good suggestions on here, especially yoga and articulating your stress. You can ask for things to be done to suit you!
As noise is a major stressor can you get yourself some good noise reduction headphones to help you get a bit of time out?

Thank you for all the lovely, supportive and helpful replies. I have noted down all the suggestions and will make a plan to implement them.

@SutWytTiAnd to tackle the likely underlying emotional cause, have you had any counselling about: As context, my mum is a massive stress head and I was brought up seeing her massively overreact over little things ?

I have had some therapy about my mum in general. She is quite a dominant figure which led to some issues with my lacking confidence in doing things, even though I am very capable, and also perfectionism. If i didn't do something in the 'right' way (in her eyes) or made a mistake she would overreact, which was horrible. I guess by losing my cool I am being like her which is a double whammy of reminding me of what that was like as a kid, and also totally flagellating myself for not being perfect, which is a huge trigger and makes me feel worse.

ETA - my mum wasn't abusive, everything came from a good place, I think she is ND and can't really understand that people do things in different ways, to her it is an incontrovertible truth that the way she does something is the right way, so she is being caring/helpful by correcting you, and can perceive that you are purposefully trying to offend her by doing something differently.

@eatreadsleeprepeat As noise is a major stressor can you get yourself some good noise reduction headphones to help you get a bit of time out? Yes I have been looking at some loop headphones! Just need to decide which pair to get!