PND or depression or something??

[babypringle]

My DS is 19months old. I've found being a mum really tough from the start, even though I'd always thought myself 'good with kids', so it's really hard to discover that I'm not. DS woke every two hours through the night until he was eight months old and we did sleep training, so I spent most of the early months totally exhausted. To make matters worse my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer when DS was six weeks old, and he died just after DS's first birthday. My mum is paraplegic as well, so I felt that I constantly had responsibility for my parents and spent hours with them at hospitals and the like, dragging my poor DS around with me which made me feel really guilty. When DS was a couple of months old I admitted to DH that I was seriously considering leaving cos I wanted my life back. We had no family support and none of my friends had babies. There have been lots of times when I've called DH to say that I couldnt cope and he had to come home now. I felt constantly exhausted, really irritable, felt like I'd totally lost myself and had no patience with DS. Also felt really anxious that I would either hurt DS or else something would happen to him or DH.
After my Dad died in August it felt like some of the fog lifted, so now I have bad days like the above rather than feeling like it all the time. Going back to work part time made me feel a little more like me again as well. I've also found a really lovely group of mums who are keeping me sane. But I'm still having bad moments either where I relentlessly pick on my husband, or else I have no patience with my son or any desire to spend time with him. DS is being a typical toddler at the moment, pushing the boundaries and only co-operating when it suits him. But that is really stressing me out. I struggle to see it just as a stage and instead just want to shut him away in his room or something. I still get really resentful that all my mummy friends have grandparents to help when my mother is like a child.
So, I'm wondering what I should do. I'd previously decided against seeing my GP because I've never found a sympathetic one and also I don't want medication. Also we've now reached the point where we're considering a second child so medication would be an issue. My HV was worse than useless so I can't talk to her. I can't afford to pay for counselling privately. I don't know whether to stick things out and hope that it all gets better, or should I try to get help? or would a GP think I've left it too late anyway?

Yes, you should definitely try and get help.
It doesn't matter if you have PND, 'normal' depression or are having a perfectly normal reaction to your troubles - you are still suffering and could do with some help.

You do not need to go on ADs if you do not want to but should be offered some sort of counselling (CBT could well be of a lot of help to you in your circumstances).

A GP certainly shouldn't think you have left it too late. I would recommend you go and see your GP and ask for some help. If you don't get anywhere don't give up. There are online courses you can take for free as well as other sources of free help.

I would definitely advise going to your GP. The relief that I felt when I was dignosed with depression meant that it wasn't just me being a bitch/being a crap mum/crap wife/daughter. I then had a reason why I was behaving and feeling the way I did.

You have an immense amount of things on your plate at the moment and not least of it, you have many roles to play - daughter, wife, mother of toddler, employee, friend and now you are considering adding another which is pregnant mother. It's really hard to be all these things at the same time and feel like you are doing them well. There will always be something to make you feel guilty (as you mentioned with looking after your parents made you feel bad for your DS). I can totally understand that you feel hard done by that your parents are needing your care right at the time when you need them to care for you again.

Meds can help (if that is what is needed). They can enable you to get through tough, stressful times without breaking down, and without beating yourself up. The ideal would be to have some CBT or counselling. Please don't dismiss the Ads though - I've been on them ever since DS2 - 5 yrs on and off. I wouldn't be here without them.

Good luck with everything and it's great to hear that you've got some good supportive friends. Please bear in mind though that you should get some help for your DS & DH as well as for you.

babypringle, i could have written this myself. Scary how similar our circumstances are, even and especially down to having to call DP home from work. I do still have my mother around, but i lost my father to cancer when DD was just eight weeks old, although i had already lost him to alzheimers long before, he never saw DD.

I had terrible anxiety about my health, my DD, everything. I also had a useless HV who basically told me i was suffering from clinical depression and i never saw her again

I was posting very similar to this last year and everyone was telling me to get along to the doctors. I held off for a few weeks then had a total meltdown. I was put onto ADs and it really turned things around for me. I just went through so much in a short time that when everything calmed down i lost it. The ADs saved my relationship, and probably my life. Im still on them and cant see me coming off them anytime soon. BUT all it is is popping a couple of pills in the morning, and i get to be me, i had forgotten who she was. Its not a miracle cure, but im not living scared. Ive had counselling, which, if i could have got more sessions would have been a great help im sure.

I think you need to find someone who you can talk to about this, another HV, another doctor, preferably a woman of similar age. You are entitled to counselling on the NHS although you dont get much, it will be a start.

I totally sympathise with you about your dad, when my father died i was relieved, relieved for him and relieved for myself. I wanted to return to my bubble of perfect family that i was adamant i had to have, i put myself under so much pressure to do this. It was like i wanted to pretend all that bad stuff didnt matter. It does matter, two years later and i am only just starting to realise, fuck, my dad is gone. Maybe if i could have had some counselling at the time i would have coped better.

The problem with trying to cope alone is that your body physically often wont let you, the happy chemicals in your brain stop working properly and that is why you often need the ADs to boost this, then you can deal with things. When you can only just about deal with getting up in the morning, dealing with the root issue aint gonna happen.

A GP would definately NOT thin you have left it too late. I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 2yo. Its a horrible diagnosis to get, it is scary and worrying, but once you can put it in its own little box, realise its an illness, you can move on.

thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time. i tried getting a drs appointment this morning but they were fully booked again. i guess I'm worried that if I speak to a dr all the stuff that I've been holding back to enable me to be function would come flooding out and leave me un-functional. I have little choice but to be functional as my DH is away for the next two weeks, my mother is pretty dependant on me despite living an hours drive away and I am still trying to sort out the mess of my father's estate. how long does it take before ADs kick in? did you find it was a long wait for NHS counselling?

If you can't get an appointment go there and refuse to leave, do what you have to do, it is an emergency! It depends on what ADs you are given, they can take up to two weeks to start working, although mine worked straight away. You need to unburden this.

On a practical note, are you getting help caring for your mum, both practically and financially? Does she have a social worker who could help put some care packages in place?

You should not be fobbed off, do you have a practice nurse? Go and speak to her, thats what i did, i was hysterical almost, but it got me the results. Yes, i did have to wait a long time for counselling, but it depends on your area. Where are you>?

I'm in hertfordshire, getting a drs appointment is always a nightmare. i'm at work for the next two days but i'll see if i can get an appt after work tomorrow.

just had row with DH over nothing in particular, I'm just very prickly at the moment. He says crap like 'i'm here for you' which i find meaningless cos it doesn't translate into anything real.

my mum does have a social worker and carers but they're not particularly helpful. at the last social worker's visit the woman came in saying that they'd had budget cuts so needed to reduce the support given, even though she was meant to be re-assessing my mum's needs since my dad had died (he was her main carer for five years). It's not that I need to do day-to-day care, but she's very lonely, has no idea about money and there's very little locally she can get to so I go over to take her on shopping trips etc. she's upset because until she became paraplegic she'd dreamed of being a very hands-on grandmother, so she tried to make up for thi by demanding that I bring DS over at every opportunity, and its hard to say no.

You are under so much pressure, there is little wonder you are struggling. It is very difficult for partners i have to say, i put my partner through hell, but to be honest, unless you have struggled with something like this it is very hard to help. Push for that appointment, ring them now and ask for the first available and then ring them and ask for emergency appointment. Write everything down and do not accept them saying well, its not surprising you feel like shit with all that pressure. Say to them, no thats right, so please help me before i crack up. I have to admit i found social services as useful as a chocolate teapot when we were sorting things out for my dad, it was like we were battling with his illness and battling with social services at the same time.

Do you have a local volunteer beureaux or anything, some of these places offer volunteer buddy schemes for house bound clients etc. A friendly face just to pop in, take the pressure off of you a bit. Also try homestart or surestart, they may be able to offer someone to help you, just to listen or help with practical things. Worth a try.

Sorry i can't give you any answers, but do keep plugging away at the health professionals, they are there to help, it is what we pay our taxes for.

As far as the doctors go, make sure you mention your anxiety, as this is something that genuinely responds to medication really well. Nothing is going to take your problems away as they are concrete, but they might just give you enough strength to cope. Of course i am not a doctor and it is not for me to say whether you will benefit or not, but at least speak to your doctor about it, if he/she is not sympathetic, ask for a second opinion.

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, so I guess I'll see what they say ...

Saw the Dr yesterday who thinks that I do have PND. Have a prescription for citalopram 10mg which I collected this morning but haven't taken yet. Scared by the list of side effects. Also being referred back to the dreaded health visitor

im glad you have been to the doctors pringle. 10mg is a very low dose actually, some doctors start people on this and see how they go. This probably helps with the side effects. It does come with a scary list but so does lemsip if you can be arsed to read it. Most people do feel a bit sick and rushy for a few days, thats about how i felt. A bit more panicky for a few days too - but it passes. Most of the side effects listed are extremely rare and ive never seen people describe them on here. Take a look at the citalopram buddies thread, you will see there are lots of people on there with a story to share.

FWIW, i kept my prescription for a week before i got the tablets, and the tablets for a week before i took them, so dont worry, we are all apprehensive. I haven't looked back.

I was on citalopram for a while for depression had only minimal side effects (some people don't get any esp starting on only 10mg) to be honest most were only within the first 2 weeks it took another 4 weeks an an increase to start working but they certainly helped.

Thanks LEM and Kaz, I've just been reading the Citalopram buddies thread and it was helpful to see how others found things. I think I'm going to leave taking them for a couple of weeks - my DH is away at the moment and there's no-one else who can look after DS, so I'd rather wait til he's back so there's a safety net. Also, I forgot to explain to the dr that I'm going on holiday in a week and a half, so I can't go back for the two week follow up appointment. I don't want to start taking them and then run out. Had a good day today with DS, felt relaxed and there was lots of laughter. He totally responds to my moods which is why I really need to get this sorted out before it damages him for good.

just had it confirmed that the private medical insurance I have thru my employer doesn't cover anything psychiatric . the dr i saw said that NHS counsellors in the area are seriously overstretched so my best option would be to pay for private counselling at £60 per session. I'm going to struggle to pay for any more than one per month when I'd hoped to resolve things faster than that.

Other things you can try

I know of 2 free online courses as a stopgap Living Life to The Full (which is the one I got on better with and still use but we are all different) and Mood Gym

I know what I eat (or don't eat) effects how I feel. and I am pretty sure that Omega oils and multi vit containing b complex helped too.

Getting out side in the sun (hahah I should be so lucky in this country) and walking helps too. I did do exercise on prescription for a while but I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and the gym it was at was too busy ans stressful for me much of the time it may be worth asking your GP about though.