Eldest daughter - abusive and homelessness

[Meme54]

Hi long story
my eldest she’s 28 been in 3 abusive relationships
she has autism but is aware of what’s what isn’t high on spectrum.

i have gone up and beyond due her
giving her thousands £
helping her with multiple things she’s needed TV washing ms one tumble dryers clothes deposits of thousands fur houses flats she never pays back knew it was an agreed loan she had money as housing benifit my husband and I paid 6 months rent twice she kept the rent and didn’t pay us and we aren’t well off.

she had 3 children in permanent foster care I had then a few months but as I’ve health problems they are all high on spectrum SS put them in care after she had then back twice as she would stick to her order to stay away from the abusive 3rd man.

So she doesn’t pay her rent in 3 properties this lastest one is in his name he owes £9000 in rent, he is controlling - 3 times she’s moved in our house, once a mate once a refuge in 2 years but she goes back to him even chooses him over her kiddies
when she does go back to him she lies and abuses me and her sisters.

now they have to move out as bailiffs are taking profession of this latest place they live in for non payment rent
she lied about my husband saying he was looking at her through the bedroom door a year ago she moved back in,

she admitted she lied

so my husband will not have her live with us I don’t blame him - he’s scared she could say anything and he get introuble

so now I’m anxious she will be homeless her dad lives 100 miles away he’s never helped thinks it’s on me- I have our other daughter live with me she’s 24 never left home pays minimal and does nothing in the house at all - never cooks cleans etc

im drained had my abusive mum scream at me Christmas Eve
now this

everyone seems to think its my job to do everything for everyone

:(

Your eldest needs proper help that you cannot give. Your 24 year old needs to contribute financially and practically to the home or move out. Ultimately they are adults and need to find their own way.

@GOODCAT
thankyou
I feel pure guilt and they play on my kindness xx

All your help gets thrown back in your face op. You’re enabling this behaviour by constantly bailing her out. And not only is she completely ungrateful, she’s actively trying to destroy you with her potentially life destroying lies

@Peoplemakemedespair
true hadnt thought about it this way

You have done enough for your elder daughter. Lying about your DH would be the nail in the coffin for me. That was a serious allegation for her to through around.
She will have to go to the council and declare that she is homeless. I have no idea how that works as an adult without children though.

Your younger daughter needs to step up. She needs to carry her share of the load at home - clean up after herself, do her share of laundry etc.

I would suggest you give her a deadline at which point she contributes more ££ to the household. And I would tell her that as of now, if she does not cook she doesn’t share your food. Likewise, she doesn’t clean, you don’t do her laundry etc.

I understand it’s hard, but talk it through with your DH, agree what you want, write it down if it helps you.
You are kind to them, they should be kind to you.

I think you are minimising her vulnerabilities, all autistic people are vulnerable no matter if they are 'high on the spectrum' or not. It is clear she needs support but it doesn't mean you need to be the one who gets it.

The council will likely deem them as having made themselves voluntarily homeless since it is as a result of rent arrears. I have no idea if they will give her any support.

Would she go to women's aid to get away from the abusive partner? Does she have her own social worker?

It sounds like a deeply worrying situation for you but you need to not give her any more deposits for flats or let her move in with you.

@PinkflowersWhiteBerries

mmm I’ve autism so had my husband but no one supports us ever

she’s had a lot help she’s allowed her children to be spat at and thumped by her partner

she’s lied to police about me said I was harassing her to keep

me away from her house so I couldn’t see the children so I’d not know what was going on

she’s said she’s despised me as I told people I had breast cancer - I had DCIS surgery

the list is endless

She’s had so much help many many years but she lies and they are dangerous

@PinkflowersWhiteBerries
thankyou

sad as it is I’m over kind people pleaser which attracts takers

Thankyou xx

I agree with this.

Whether you or your husband have received support with your autism is neither here nor there.

Your older daughter quite obviously needs professional help. This support does not need to come from you, but it sounds like she needs help to advocate for herself to access it. Is this something you could do?

Re your younger daughter. Why doesn't she contribute? Is she also neurodiverse?

I'm so sorry OP. This situation sounds awful for you.

You need to establish some firm boundaries between yourself and both of your daughters.

Firstly, write down the house rules for your daughter and home and stick to them. Three strikes and she's out.

For the older daughter, as terrible as it sounds, maybe becoming homeless might be the kick up the bum she needs? For some, it's the carrot, but for others it is the stick.

Your New Year's resolution should be to prioritize yourself. Best of luck with everything.

@Gingerkittykat

she has had lots help she also won’t take advice or some help when offered it

you can’t lead a horse to water

@TERFisTHEnewTREND

thankyou I will aim to change next year x