Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Feeling intense anger help please

22 replies

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:32

please no nasty comments, I’m looking for help and support please.

I’m very angry all the time and I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to get over it. About to go to my mums home for New Years but woke up feeling intense rage about the past. I started a fight with DH and said awful things many of which I don’t even believe/mean. I smashed a plate in the kitchen too. I think I do it to get a reaction Out of him. He didn’t respond to me as usual and just ignored me which made me feel more angry and I said more awful things to him. Please can I get some support or just someone to talk to about this morning.

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 10:34

recent development or always been like this to some extent?

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:35

@nutster It’s definitely getting worse recently. I could at least calm myself in the past and not have an outburst.

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 10:36

so to some extent been there long term
and now getting worse
has there been any change to coincide with the worsening?

do you have children?

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:38

Yes I have 2 kids 5 and 9. The anger comes from remembering things from the past that DH has done. I have a good memory which I think contributed to the situation so I never forget! Whereas he forgets things easily.

edited to put real age of my kids. I was trying to be unidentifiable but I think the ages are important to help understand how many years I’ve put up with it,

OP posts:
nutster · 27/12/2023 10:40

ok the children factor in a different dimension on it, a much much more serious one.

you need to get professional support. as a matter of extreme urgency. have you ever had therapy? you will need to go private given you have children and this is an abusive environment

nutster · 27/12/2023 10:41

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:38

Yes I have 2 kids 5 and 9. The anger comes from remembering things from the past that DH has done. I have a good memory which I think contributed to the situation so I never forget! Whereas he forgets things easily.

edited to put real age of my kids. I was trying to be unidentifiable but I think the ages are important to help understand how many years I’ve put up with it,

Edited

how many years you have put up with it??!!

what about your partner and children????

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:42

I’m no danger to my kids or him. My anger is verbal towards my DH about past issues what he has done.

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 27/12/2023 10:42

Anger often comes from past pain that you haven't worked through, have you considered having some counselling/therapy?

nutster · 27/12/2023 10:42

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:42

I’m no danger to my kids or him. My anger is verbal towards my DH about past issues what he has done.

you smashed a plate OP

nutster · 27/12/2023 10:43

unless you live in a mansion

your children would have heard the awful things you said to their father

and heard the smashed plate

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:45

@Princessfluffy weve had marriage counciling but not worked. My anger this morning came from all the years I was not allowed to see my mum. Funnily enough when I got angry about the situation that’s when my life seemed to have some control. I was stopped from seeing my family when I got married. When my eldest was born that’s when I decided to stick up for myself. Problem is I feel only getting angry I can get control over my life but I don’t want this built up emotions.

OP posts:
Memyselfandtheothers · 27/12/2023 10:47

it sounds like you’ve got a lot to work through. I’d definitely recommend therapy as pain from the past is showing up in potentially damaging ways for your children. It’s good you’ve recognised the problem but now you need to address it and find ways to stop this from happening.

PanicAtTheLibrary · 27/12/2023 10:52

Have you sat down with DH when calm, and probably children out of the house, to talk about what he's done in the past and how it made you feel? It sounds like until you get those feelings out you can't move on.

What would you need from him to be able to move on?
An apology?
Has he changed or does he still do the things that angered you so much in the past?
Does he know you feel this way?

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:00

@PanicAtTheLibrary i’ve tried many times but it’s never a good time - he’s got an important work thing he needs to do, he’s tired from work, he’s in a good mood and doesn’t want t to spoil it by talking about the past. I have really tried. So much has happened over the years. I could move on but he never wants to discuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:00

I think to move on I just need to talk to him and get some closure but he rather not talk about it.

OP posts:
PanicAtTheLibrary · 27/12/2023 11:07

Could you send him an email or write him a letter? I've seen that suggested on here before. And ask that you find an hour to discuss it. (Putting a time limit on the conversation can also help.)

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:09

@PanicAtTheLibrary he won’t read it. I’ve texted him before and his response is he does t have time to think about this as he’s busy with work. His work is the most important thing for him. My kids and my feelings and needs are not important.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 11:14

OP your marriage issues are one thing, and obviously needs addressing.
However, your anger is your own. You are hurting your children with your anger. It is stressful for children to live in that sort of environment.
Please find another way to express your feelings.

nutster · 27/12/2023 11:21

Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 11:14

OP your marriage issues are one thing, and obviously needs addressing.
However, your anger is your own. You are hurting your children with your anger. It is stressful for children to live in that sort of environment.
Please find another way to express your feelings.

this

you need to separate your marriage issues from your anger

many many people have appalling marriages but they do not lose control, smash plates and seethe with anger

annieannietomjoe · 27/12/2023 11:22

I remember feeling very angry and out of control as felt let down by DH for years after our first child...it has taken a lot of work, being on antidepressants for some time to get to a healthier place. If you can't leave and you are not being listened to then perhaps an antidepressant will calm you...not so many flare ups! Unfortunately you can only control yourself and if you are with someone unable/unwilling to hear you then you need to do the work to try and control your emotions (which is easy to say and hard to do). Yes it isn't fair to you children but neither is your husband not listening or taking account of your feelings/needs. We are all human and unfortunately can't be perfect all the time for children...if they see a flare up then I would defo sit down and explain to them that you are struggling to regulate and will be working on it. Living in a utopia for the children is unrealistic and not preparing them for real life...but admitting when you are wrong and explaining will help them to understand that humans are complex. Get to your GP and see what they say...and apart from that, when you feel it coming on try and get away from the situation. You need to put boundaries up with your DH but to do that you may need some help (ie therapy). Good luck!

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:29

@annieannietomjoe thabk you so much. I’ve actually written a lot more on AIBU about the past. There is just so much crap I’ve dealt with and it’s all coming out now in the form of rage. Thank you for your insight and you are correct. I hope I get to the stage you are on now.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 30/12/2023 16:11

OP, your anger is most likely to be the previously suppressed rage you felt towards your husband boiling up and overflowing. He has controlled you in the past and is controlling you now by ignoring your appeals to him to listen, talk about your feelings and to show understanding. You've been left feeling frustrated, ignored and furious. I would urge you to see your GP and also to get personal counselling, not couples counselling, as it should be about you first and foremost. If you decide to stay with him then couples counselling can come later.You need to be heard, listened to and supported and hopefully counselling can provide this in a safe space where you can be helped to examine your feelings.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page