Failure at life.

[filthypride]

I have been suffering (and i say suffering because its not been fun) with multiple mental health conditions for more than half my life in some cases. I have had..

Bulimia/BDD since 1987
Depression/self harming since 1990
Severe agoraphobia, GAD and Panic disorder since 1998 (can't go out alone and struggle even with a safe person).
Monophobia since 2015
BPD/Aspergers since 2019 (although had it for years before)
PTSD since 2021.
Suicidal ideation every single day of my life!

I have no friends. I have been blocked from the friends i did have.

I can't maintain a relationship as no one is able to cope with my conditions and i totally get that. I don't deserve to be happy when all i do is cause stress to others. Who wants to be with someone who is so ill?

My sister, BIL, niece and nephews ALL hate me and i mean HATE. They resent me for my illnesses.

I currently live with my mother/step father. My mum fell ill in 2022 and i came to look after her and help with the housekeeping and with my step father who has later stage dementia and I've not been able to leave (for a few reasons). My mother is old and she often has episodes of passing out and being violently sick. Now, if she was alone with my step father and that happened, he wouldn't have a clue what to do. This situation arose just last Sunday. Mum felt weird in the kitchen and ended up passing out and being sick. My SF was in the next room and i was upstairs. He didn't even realise anything was going on, i only came down because i heard something which i realised was mum being sick at the kitchen table out cold. So i fear now leaving mum alone with her husband and she fell ill, no one could help her. Another reason is basically i am so monophobic that i couldn't leave even if i felt confident mum was okay.

My niece and nephews won't come and see their granny because i am here, thus ruining their relationship, mum can't go and see them because i am banned from the house, unless i sit in the car and i don't have a problem with that, i don't mind waiting in there for her. Same goes for my sister, mum could easily go round and i wait in the car, but the banning has recently extended to me even being on the driveway. If she wants a day out with mum again theres no issue with that, it just has to be planned a bit in advance so my son can sit with me. Its not surprising they fucking hate me, i hate me too.

I have had therapy since 1992 and when i requested therapy last time they said i was too complex and there was nothing else they could do for me. I simply cannot afford private. Just don't have the spare money. Over the years i've been on pretty much all the medications but i currently take escitalopram, quetiapine and clonazepam.

My dad has 2 children by his second wife, i am the second eldest. The other 3 are happy, well, settled, financially stable and have exceptionally good jobs, me, i am the embarrassment who's amounted to nothing.

I feel guilty because i've been a shit mum to my son. I wasn't ever able to do normal things with him. He's only ever known me like this.

I cry everyday and pray i won't wake up. I am exhausted from fighting this battle. I have been trying for years to get better. I take 2 steps forward and 3 years back.

I hate the loneliness. I hate not having friends/relationship. I hate being a burden to people. I hate that i am resented. I hate that i am alive fucking up peoples lives. If i wasn't here, everyone would be so much happier.

Not having anyone wish me a happy christmas yesterday solidified how fucking alone i am. I was so sad. I've got to the age of 48 and literally no one gives a shit (not including the 2 people that have to, mum and son).

I really hate myself for being this way.
I wish i could be different.
I wish i was strong enough to fight this bullshit. The fighting has become way too hard. Trust me, i have tried EVERYTHING i have been told to do over the years, but it just keeps getting worse. I have missed out on so much and yes thats a huge incentive to get better, but when my brain is just saying NO NO NO all the time and throwing me more hideous symptoms it gets harder to cope with.

I attended an appointment with my mother. I didn't want to go but my son was working so i had no choice. I ended up panicking and passing out 3 or 4 times and was told 'you can't come back here, we need to focus on the patients and not you', which i get 100%, they don't want some fruitloop halting appointments. I was a pain in the arse that day (as well as evert other). I felt so bad for having a panic attack thee.

I have nothing going to for me. I am a complete failure at life.

You're not a failure. You deserve happiness. More than anybody. Sending hugs x

What happened earlier in your life?

@Eyesopenwideawake

Dad left when I was 4.

I had a very turbulent relationship with my sister, she didn't like the fact I was born, but that's normal sometimes. She did attempt to harm me quite badly on 3 occasions.

I was beaten by my step father from age of 4-16.

I was bullied/beaten up at school from 12-16

I was alone in the house with my granny when she passed away and I found her. I was 11.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like you have been let down throughout your life by the people who should have cared for and protected you—your family, school, and mental health services.

Do you receive any help from services for your parents? Your sister needs to get off her arse and help out more. She has a problem with you, but that's her problem. You have an illness and need to be treated with kindness and compassion in the same way you would be if it were a long-term physical illness.

You need the space and time to focus on yourself and find a bearable life, beginning with self-love and compassion. You are a good person; you look after your parents to the determinant of your health. You talk about the impact you have on other people but fail to see their impact on you. How old is your son? The important relationship is you and your son focus on that let your sister hold the burden of looking after your parents.

I'm sorry. You were an innocent and didn't do anything to warrant the abuse you suffered. No matter how a child behaves, they don't deserve anything other than love and understanding. Please believe that.

when my brain is just saying NO NO NO all the time and throwing me more hideous symptoms

Your mind develops faster between the ages of about two to ten then at any other time in your life. You watch, learn, overhear, absorb, and make assumptions at a phenomenal rate but without the cognitive ability to be objective about whether what you're learning is true (this only begins to develop after about the age of 10).

Your mind has two aims - to keep you happy and safe. But when there's abuse the strategies the mind is forced to devise for your survival as a child are often counterproductive to adult you. So not going out makes sense to the mind of a child who is being bullied by their peers, but if home is not the safe haven it should be then the mind has to find another option - self harm or bulimia.

How many of your day to day thoughts are linked to your childhood?

I hope this is okay, but you should consider speaking to shout. https://giveusashout.org/ it’s a text message service available free of charge 24/7, speaking to a stranger may help make you feel better until you can speak to a doctor ♥️

@Wheresmybrianat

We have a carer in twice a day, once to get him up and for an evening pad change/toilet visit. Which is great and we appreciate him so much, but most of the bowel incontinence happens between those hours which means either mum or I are cleaning up the horrendous mess that is created (no fault of my step father of course, he doesn't even know he's doing it). Although I am there to help with the house chores I simply CANNOT let my elderly mother clean up that mess. Last week he did it 2 days in a row and it was everywhere. I was gagging before I even started. 3 face masks, 2 pairs of gloves and an hour later I had managed to wash all the walls of the toilet, the floor, behind the toilet, on the door, everywhere. He was on antibiotics which had upset his tummy so it was a thousand times worse than normal.

My sister doesn't help because 'she has to work' unlike me. She loves to remind me that I don't work and how busy she is. She doesn't have to work, her husband earns a 6 figure wage they are very well off, she only works because she likes 'pocket money'.

I sort all mums bills, make her calls, send her emails/texts, make appointments, sort out any queries she has, call around for quotes on oil and insurances when needed, sort her weekly meds out, order them too, I do the garden, change bedding (that's quite often due to the incontinence), cooking, baking, washing, ironing, washing up, put out bins, recycling, housework... everything she needs doing, I do. I don't like her doing much at all. I also clean up her vomit when she's been ill and bathe her and for someone who has a fear of sick, that is fricking challenging. That's another reason why I am still here. I barely get a minute rest, I can't leave my mother in that predicament - I'm knackered at the end of the day - can't imagine how she would feel.

My son is 25. He works 15 hours a day, I barely see him.

Again, there's no way my sister would help, she has a really busy social life as well as working.

You are not useless or a failure. You are from the sound of it a very good carer with a lot of empathy, and that's an amazing thing!! Not many people can care for other individuals properly.

Hi Op,

It sounds like you’ve had a truly horrendous childhood. It was absolutely awful that you had to go through all of that. So much trauma will have had huge affects on you.

You have clearly had friends in the past which shows that you are a likeable and probably very decent person. I suspect friends have left when things have got too intense or overtaking their own lives. A lot of people struggle with others emotions and issues. Many people don’t have much experience with mental health and knowing what to do or say and so they run the other way. Sometimes the people that will understand and get you the most may have their own mental health issues too which can make it difficult to support you.
I just want to give you that perspective to help you know that it doesn’t mean you are a horrible awful person just because people have blocked you. I don’t like blocking at all and would never do that to a person but I’ve come across many people where it’s their first reaction to any stress or pressure. Even on MN I’ve seen people who will suggest it to the OP over the smallest friendship issue and it blows my mind,

Your sister has presumably had her own trauma in childhood too. This will maybe mean that she deals with things in certain ways as a result. Your nephew and niece will have grown up hearing her views on things.

The truth is only you can get yourself better and you have to really want to. You will need lots of professional help and it will be a really difficult and long journey. It’s immensely tough when your mind has learnt to deal with things in certain ways and it can be hard to find different paths but it’s not impossible.

Is your step dad the same one from your childhood that beat you? If so do you think it’s good for you to be back living with him and caring for him? It might be harsh but maybe worth thinking if he needs to be in full time care?

Has there ever been a time when things were better? Is there anything which helps you to feel a bit better?

The NHS can’t give up on you, ask to see a different doctor and ask for a different therapy. Did you have the long term one? They have one service where you get a therapist for around two years which I think is what you would need as it take a huge amount of time to build the trust and go through everything. I think getting help for your agoraphobia will be crucial as well as it will be so hard to change things when you aren’t able to get out without relying on your mum and DS.

Sending you a big hug x

It sounds like you have been through an awful lot 😔 I wish there was more help and support for you. Anyone dealing with what you have been through and then having to do the immense amount of care work you are undertaking would have been at breaking point a long time ago. I’m surprised you are not completely burnt out tbh. I would look into finding additional support whilst you still have the ability, don’t let it get to the point where you can’t think straight because of all the stress.
I was in similar situation to you, full time carer to 90 year old grandmother whilst looking after 3 and 5 year old. It was exhausting and I ended up being sectioned. Please get help before it gets to that point. Don’t give up on yourself.