Constantly fearful of doing something wrong.

[BrusselsPate]

I don't know if I'm suffering with anxiety but when I read about anxiety it's doesn't always fit how I feel. I really don't know if that's what I've been experiencing for years, or if it's something else.
I constantly question myself and I live in constant fear of doing something wrong, particular at work, or I fear upsetting people.
I'll make a decision, or have a conversation, that seems perfectly ok at the time, then I'll think about it, replay it all and start to question myself over and over and catastrophise. I always think of the worst possible outcome. It ends up with me feeling that I'm completely useless at my job, useless as a parent, and sometimes just a generally useless human being. And I'm terrified of the consequences. I've even thought I might end up jobless, homeless, in prison, etc, which is utterly ridiculous!
It's also exhausting and ruins what should be happy occasions for me. I hide it from nearly everyone. When Im thinking rationally I realise just how ridiculous some of my thoughts become.
I end up drinking most nights just so I can relax a bit and get to sleep a bit more easily.
I really don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. I don't know how long I can carry on with this. I've even had episodes where I've felt like I'm not really here and everything is happening almost like a dream when I've felt really stressed and scared about things. And its more than feeling scared, I actually feel terrified at times.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.

Can you remember when this started, or was it something that was normal throughout your life?

What you've described fits my understanding of anxiety.

I remember feeling like this a lot as a child and teenager. I don't think it was so bad as a younger adult. It was still there from time to time, but not as frequent.
It's got a lot worse now im older. I'm on hrt and that helped a lot. But it's starting to get worse again.

Thank you.
I really wasn't sure because all the things that seem to be associated with anxiety, such as health, children's health, relationships, etc seem to have a rational base. And they're not things that I worry about unduly. But I suppose anxiety can be about anything or everything.
Pretty much everything I worry about is based on what I have done or said, and the consequences for me and other people. I'm constantly terrified that I've done something wrong, that I cause bad things to happen, and that I'll be found out and punished. As well as the worry that I may cause harm to other people.

Just a quick message for now but this is exactly how I feel. I spoke to our employee assistance scheme yesterday evening, for the first time, and used exactly the same language - constant fear of doing something wrong at work, constantly terrified. I said to the counsellor yesterday evening, no one I spend time with over Christmas will know I'm ruminating about all the work what-ifs. It's like I'm acting all the time and it's so tiring. I'll message more fully tomorrow, off to sleep now, but just wanted to say I understand.

I have this a bit. I worry a lot about work, and I also replay conversations, worrying about saying something wrong or stupid. I don't worry that what I've said or done will have a negative effect on others' lives though - just that I'll get into trouble, or people will think badly of me.

I don't drink because in the words of the song "daddy was an alcoholic" but my very dear friend also suffered from anxiety and she did drink to cope, and it killed her, so please be careful there. Medication from the doctor might be better than self-medicating with alcohol.

Hugs - I do understand. It's exhausting.

I’m like this at the moment OP.
for me, it’s anxiety and I’ve been triggered by loads of things, I’m pretty self aware and have managed to break it all down as I’ve had CBT in the past.

But it is draining and exhausting.

I had to take stock this week because I got myself in knots and could’ve really fucked up a friendship that is very dear to me.
thankfully, they couldn’t have treated me better or responded to me in a better way but it’s had me catastrophising over how I could’ve completely and utterly sabotaged our friendship so I’m working hard on myself at the moment and will just have to hope I can rebuild and reconnect with my pal.
The state you describe sounds like a dissociative state.
whats your biggest challenge in amongst all this do you think?

I find Mel Robbins a good listen or read, I’ve taken a lot of coping mechanisms from her work

I'm constantly terrified that I've done something wrong, that I cause bad things to happen, and that I'll be found out and punished.

Did that happen to you as a child, or did you believe it would happen?

Hi again, I hope you're feeling okay today. Just a few further thoughts. I'm peri and started hrt a year and a half ago. I started feeling like this in my early 40s, so think it's menopause related, although like you I did have these feelings in childhood too, to some degree. I look back fondly on my 20s and 30s, when I had a senior role and worried proportionately, rather than my current catastrophizing. The counsellor I spoke to on Thursday evening through employee assistance suggested CBT, some 1:1 counselling and suggested I look at the Anxiety UK website. She also suggested I might want to look into OCD, which had occured to me before. Something I've been doing for the last few months is writing down my major work worries in a notebook, with the date, especially when my thoughts are escalating, and then looking back over them and seeing whether they had the dire outcome I'd worried about (never!). When I'm feeling particularly anxious it helps me to remember all the previous times. I've also made notes of sayings that are helpful. I'm well and truly fed up of feeling this way and am going to seek counselling in the new year. I'm also going to ask if my hrt dose can be increased. Anyway, I hope things improve for you. Btw, as I finish typing this I'm feeling worried about whether it's helpful or not, whether I shouldn't have posted as I don't have anything useful to offer, whether it might make things feel worse for you, etc etc. And on it goes...

Yes sounds a lot like anxiety, have you ever had therapy? That might help you to recognise when you are feeling this way.

It’s so much easier said than done but try to pay attention when your mind is going down those paths. Talk to yourself kindly and tell yourself you don’t want to feel that way etc. Try and think if you would speak to a friend that way etc. It’s not easy I know. X

Yes, I was constantly in the wrong as a child. I was punished daily. I also lost a parent when I was quite young.

@Crazyforcavies thank you for your kind and supportive words. I worry about posting things too and how to the words will be interpreted. I often don't post on social media, or my replies are very short because of this.
It's good to hear that you're getting the help and support you need and deserve. I'll try to have a look at some of the suggestions. Thank you. It helps just knowing that there are people who care enough to post and share their own experience.

@Squiggles23 Thank you. I think I need to look at getting some type of therapy. In the meantime I'll definitely try to be kinder to myself.

Hi OP - you may need therapy to explore and unpack where the feelings come from.
inhave recently started due too and can sympathise with a lot of what you say. It’s getting worse before it gets better for me, but in my early 40s I am finally allowing myself to feel those hideous feelings from my childhood rather than disconnecting from my negative feelings (I have a huge number of chronic health conditions)

I wish you all the best xxx

I'll have a look. Thank you.
I really can't even start to think what my biggest challenge is. Just to feel that I could go more than one or two days without feeling like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and stopping the need to have a drink so I can relax enough to sleep.

This got worse for me in the menopause too. Sertraline knocked it on the head completely and made me feel mostly positive and relaxed, with a fairer and kinder take on issues. I regret not getting medication earlier and stringing things out.

OK. So your subconscious mind developed this strategy (of second guessing and worrying about everything you say and do) as it's only method of protection when you were a child. Children instinctively please the people who care for them (to ensure their own survival) but if they aren't rewarded they will get either confused and fearful or angry and rebellious. It IS possible to change these underlying core beliefs and the thoughts and feelings that they cause.