Anxiety - why am I like this

[Elderberrybabe]

First of all I just want to say that I'm not looking for judgement only for someone who might relate. I'm awaiting my first cbt session in January and I take 100mg of Sertraline.

I'm 43 and a lone mum of 2 boys (13 and 7). I've struggled with health anxiety for some time. I'm so scared of being ill and being unable to look after my boys. The Sertraline increase has helped for the last couple of months. But, this time of the year is so anxiety filled. For the last 6 years either myself or one of the boys has been ill. Last month my 7 year old had scarlet fever. He recovered quickly and I thought maybe we'd have a stress free Christmas. He's now got tonsillitis. Hes on antibiotics. But, he's covered in a dry rash aswell (I'm not looking for medical advice) the GP has seen it via an online consultation and has reassured me its viral.... I also showed the pics to a pharmacist and he agrees. BUT, there's this nagging feeling that it's more. I'm spiralling deeper and deeper into the "what if's" and "could it be...".

I see parents who cope amazingly with childhood illnesses and here's me fretting over the minor stuff. I'm so worried this will rub off on them and they'll end being as anxious as I am. I feel like im on the verge of a panic attack- I can feel it building in my chest.

I have no idea how to break the cycle and I'm not even sure why I'm posting other than to put it out there.

I can relate OP. I hav debilitating anxiety, mainly h am h anxiety and I'm also always worrying about becoming sick or my toddler becoming sick. I avoid anything else jat has the potential to make us ill or anything that carries risk. Which is most things in life. I also worry about it rubbing off on my DS. I've had CBT a few times and didn't find it helpful but that's not to say that it wont help you. I sympathize with you OP. Anxiety really is the worst.

Sending a hug to you. Anxiety is horrible, particularly when it is focussed on your children’s health. My daughter has similar worries so I will advice you as I would advice her. I hope it helps.

You have spoken to the doctor and the chemist and both have agreed that the rash is viral. Try to comfort yourself with knowing that you have spoken to two people who know what they are talking about, and they are not worried about the rash. Remember, they would not lie to you so are telling the truth. The rash is viral and nothing to worry about. 😁.

Have you thought about asking if your sertraline dose could be increased? Your current dose is not reducing your worrying thoughts so maybe too low?

I had this following a traumatic birth of my daughter five years ago. Had always been a worrier about health but that sent it into overdrive. Got an urgent referral for CBT on the NHS and it changed my life. Consider myself fully cured (do have other mental health challenges still but no longer health anxiety).

Really hope your CBT is as successful as mine was.

Just wondering with you being 43 if it could also be the start of perimenopause...

I see parents who cope amazingly

"Last month my 7 year old had scarlet fever. He recovered quickly and I thought maybe we'd have a stress free Christmas. He's now got tonsillitis. He's on antibiotics. But, he's covered in a dry rash as well (I'm not looking for medical advice) the GP has seen it via an online consultation and has reassured me its viral.... I also showed the pics to a pharmacist and he agrees."

So what distinguishes you from those parents? Fuck all, that's what! Do you think they don't worry, panic, feel inadequate, blame themselves?! No. They cope. You cope. Every day, no matter what life throws at you, you cope in the best way you know how, which is exactly what everyone else does.

So, tonight, your record of coping with bad days currently stands at 100%.

Thank you so much for all the replies.

@haveacat my sertraline dose was increased in October from 50mg. Ideally I'm not ready to increase just yet as I have such awful side effects and they're only just settling down. Your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive mum. My own mum doesn't really understand anxiety and is very much all about the "tough love".

@MummySS22 I'm sorry CBT didn't work for you. I know it's not for everyone. I refused it before because I absolutely hate talking about myself (unless on here!). I cry and feel really stupid - but it sort of feels like it's the last option for me.

@Cashew1 I think if you know the trigger that helps. I never used to be like this. I'm so glad your CBT was successful. I hope mine will give me different ways to cope x

@norfolkjmummy788 I am definitely peri. I was referred to the menopause clinic a couple of months ago.... my appointment is in August! Unfortunately due to breast cancer in my family there's not alot the GP can do for me other than antidepressants.

@Eyesopenwideawake I love this answer. And when I think about it - I do cope.... both boys are healthy and happy. Its just easy to lose perspective and this time of the year it all snowballs.

My ds is looking so much better this morning. I bathed him in acqeous cream last night and this morning his skin is more or less back to normal.

It's easier said than done, but I agree with the advice to let go of the idea that everyone else copes better, none of us have any idea what goes on in the lives of others.
In your world right now, you have identified this as something you are looking to address. I have also had periods of health anxiety and fear about what would happen to my kids if I died or if something happened to them. I think in some ways that these fears are part of the human condition, we can not avoid the reality that they can and do happen to some people and it is scary to consider. I was wondering whether counselling might benefit you more than CBT. It may take longer but it might allow you to explore these fears in a contained space.
Also, I was ill recently and was listening to a meditation which said that when we are ill we can't cognitively understand what is happening within the body as it is going on on a physiological level and this lack of control is terrifying for the mind. This really made sense to me and I was able to release judgment on my own anxiety. I would imagine this functions even more strongly when our children are ill and we feel helpless at times. Go easy on yourself OP. You sound like you are doing ok.

Just one additional point @Elderberrybabe - be aware that anxiety is an important emotion, it's there to bring your conscious attention to things that are too important to overlook. So your anxiety told you that the rash needed medical attention - it was doing it's job correctly. Imagine you had zero anxiety; you didn't worry about anything. Would it bother you that your children got to school (either on time or at all), would you see any value in making sure they ate properly, would you concern yourself with their health? Nope, if you didn't have the emotion called anxiety none of those things would happen. Have a look at this video when you have a chance;

@coffeeisthebest I agree. Its very much about a lack of control. It's the unpredictability of illness that scares me - especially around my children.

@Eyesopenwideawake Thank you for the videos. I'll take a look at them later. You're so right. It's that anxiety that drives us and stops us from being negligent patents. I've actually done a screen shot of this reply as it's so spot on.