Sadness about Christmases to come

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I am really struggling at the moment with thoughts about loneliness in my years to come and Christmas seems to be making it worse. I am an only child, with no children of my own. Currently I have my parents and also a lovely boyfriend, but depending on how life goes, there is a good chance that I could be completely on my own at some point.

My Facebook feed has been filled with adverts from Age Concern and the likes with pictures and stories of lonely old people at Christmas. One was sitting sobbing because she had nobody. And I see that as my own future.

In many ways I am not too bothered about Christmas though - it's the other 364 days of the year that I worry about. But Christmas brings it into focus.

I am not really sure what I hope to gain by posting this - maybe just to hear from others who relate.

I am also thinking that I should be out there helping older people myself. Maybe that would actually make me feel better about potentially being in their situation myself in the future (whilst of course doing some good in the world too!).

I know an old lady who goes round visiting all the old folk who can't get out. She's older than most of the people she supports... Should I find myself without family I will aim to be like her, health allowing, don't take life lying down! ☺️

@ArchetypalBusyMum That's really inspiring! She sounds great!

Sort of similar, and I think volunteering is the way to go too. I imagine you would meet a tonne of lovely people. Also I think it is an opportunity to reflect on what to keep and let go of each year.

I'm in my 50s, have adult DC and my parents are still around. I spend two in three Christmases completely on my own.

It's horrible when the family send you photos of them all being jolly, jolly and together on the day when you're not there. But, it is what it is. You have to look at it as just being another day. Because that's all it is really.

I completely relate, look at my recent post 'existential crisis'!! And I am very glad to hear somone having similar thoughts (not for you experiencing them obviously). I actually am an older peoples specialist nurse so am surrounded by it all day and actually think it compounds it in my mind as I see alot of sadness, loneliness, disability etc and my view of the world is probably quite skewed! So I see nothing but a life on loneliness ahead of me and I have a sister and a child - I think you could have all the people around and still have that inner feeling.

But I think sometimes if we're constantly seeing it we start to believe that's our destiny, for me it's abit like all the info around menopause and how horrendous it is and these are all the symptoms so now I believe that menopause is going to be awful with horrendous symptoms where in reality it's different for everyone and some people find it manageable! Same as older age. Your also looking at it with a much younger brain and I do find alot of older people ha e years of coping mechanisms to fall back on and you don't care about the same things.

I hope that helps in some way but absolute solidarity as I struggle with this too x

If I am fit and well I will never spend Christmas alone. Loads of countries have Christmas as just a normal day. I will travel, I will do something on the day itself or I will join in with a Christmas community event and if I am old and infirm I will spend it with the other elderly old and infirm.

The internet is a great way of figuring out things to do including on Christmas Day. I remember when I was lonely in my twenties realising that the whole world was happening outside my door and I just had to join in. That weekend I hopped into my car and booked a surf lesson on the other side of the country from where I lived, I ate out and stayed over in a hostel in a pub, listened to live music joined in dancing with revellers I’ve never met since or before and I’ve never looked back since.

@GloomyWeek44 Thank you. Volunteering is definitely something I would like to start.

@OldTinHat I am sorry to hear that. You are definitely right to try to view Christmas as just another day, but I do hope things look up for you.

@SlB09 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I definitely see what you mean about starting to believe something is your destiny, and I also relate completely to all the horror stories we hear about menopause - I dread that too. I feel there has been far too much media coverage of it in recent years - without all that I wouldn't have thought much about it, but now I have started dreading it even though I am probably at least 10+ years away from it so it's just extending the worry!

You might well be right about looking at things with a younger brain too. I did read a quote from an 80 year old who said that the things they can handle now are much different to those which they could have dealt with at 40.

@Lalalanding Thank you for sharing that! You are an inspiration. We are definitely lucky to have the internet to help us find out about events etc. That is something that obviously wasn't available to previous generations.

Honestly @Strawberriesandpears I still look back on that weekend with such joy. It completely changed my perspective. I was literally feeling as you described on here. Lonely and worried I’d never be able to do the fun things that people do and I actually realised why not? What was stopping me?

Worrying is great if it drives you to act either to prevent it change the thing you're worried about. If it's something you can't influence plough your efforts into what you can affect instead.
If you're worried about lonely Xmases, make a list of solo Xmas plans, then leave the worry behind.

@Lalalanding So glad you had a great time! It definitely sounds like a life changing experience.

Do you mind sharing, do you have a lot of family? I do not, and I think that is why I worry! I feel like I won't be able to make friends to fill the gap.

No @Strawberriesandpears not a huge amount, there was abuse in my family of origin so I don’t have contact with any of them. I do have children but they are getting older now and will live their own lives in the future. I would never want a situation where I was dependent on them for my future happiness. Great if they want Christmas with me and DH but maybe they won’t want it as another poster said.

@Lalalanding I am sorry to hear of the problems you have experienced with your family of origin. It's really inspiring how positive you are. You sound really good at making the best of every situation. Wishing you a great festive season. 😊

@Strawberriesandpears I think I responded to one of your posts on here recently. I can understand your worry but thinking too far into the future can cause anxiety in itself sometimes. None of us can predict the future and I once read something that said only 10% of what we worry about never happens. Have you ever considered that you may in fact not be alone for Christmas in years to come?

I mean this kindly but this is clearly something that has become a big worry for you and seems to have taken over your life. Until you take action and decide to make some changes, things will just continue to spiral.
Also those age action ads always show worst case scenarios, sure there are lonely elderly people at Chritsmas, but equally there are plenty of elderly people who are not lonely at all even if they are alone. Watching or reading things that are upsetting all the time is just going to reinforce these thoughts and worries. Thinking of you and hope you can do something kind for yourself during the holidays

@skatykatie Thank you. It's very kind of you to take the time to reply to this thread today - I really appreciate it.

You are right in that this has totally taken over my life. My future loneliness has been on my mind day and night now for almost a year now. I just don't seem to be able to shake it. I am fearful and sad all the time even though logically, I can see ways in which I could potentially not be lonely (if for example I develop a good friendship circle).

I think part of it is that I feel like a failure for ending up in this position (having no family - or ending up in that situation in the future). There's so much emphasis on the importance family. It's silly things that set me off too. For example, recently I was shopping for a candles, and there was a candle holder in the shape of the word 'family' and then underneath it said 'is everything'. This made me feel like me and my life are worth nothing, or that I am missing the only thing that could give it meaning. The Facebook adverts make me feel awful too because people post things underneath like 'heartbreaking' and that makes me feel like that is my future - heartbreaking loneliness. That I will be nothing more than a sad charity case to be pittied.

Deep down, I think I know I could make friends (or more friends - I do have some already). I think I am a nice person and I care about others. It's just I am quite quiet and lacking in confidence sometimes. I feel a lot like life has passed me by because I am more quiet and not as bold as others. I always seem to be watching from the sidelines, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I am rambling quite a lot now! Thank you again for your reply and I hope you are having a nice day. 😊

@ConnieCroydon Thank you too. Yes, blocking those ads would be a sensible move for me!

I think Christmas sometimes needs perspective - it’s just one day. But having said that if it were me I’d volunteer to serve the homeless or similar, and in general I’d get very involved in volunteering. You could join a church too, not important if you have a faith, as they will always have plenty to volunteer for and you’d also meet likeminded folks or people in the same situation you could spend Christmas with. Do you have friends? Plenty of single friends will join others or a family for Christmas. But ultimately none of know how many christmasses we’ll have, how life will pan out, what it will look like in ten years time, so although it’s a highly emotive time of year I would just box it up as one day. Even with a family and loads on, I can still think ‘oh they went and did X and we didn’t…’ but then realise what does it matter. Social media can be a total arse too, I come off it when I’m not coping or at especially difficult times of year. Coming off it for December in general wouldn’t be a bad idea.

OP - you're spending a lot of time worrying about your life 30 or 40 years down the line. What are you planning for next year, the year after and the year after that? what happens if you reach 60 or 70 and you realise you've spent your life worrying about your future and never enjoyed the moment and that actually, you could have done something with that life?

Of course you get all these sad ads. You're clicking on them to confirm your conviction that everyone over 60 leads a sad lonely life and has no-one and that's what the algorithms think you want to see.

I mean this kindly but this is clearly something that has become a big worry for you and seems to have taken over your life. Until you take action and decide to make some changes, things will just continue to spiral

Yes this, something is being displaced onto fears about your future self. Do you suffer from anxiety? I do and anxiety finds the stupidest things to latch onto and gnaw at.

Agree, a life is built one day at a time.

Make today and tomorrow a good day and it's the life equivalent of 'looking after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves'

I agree with others on here. All any of us have is the now. I would also suggest maybe speaking over your worries with a therapist or talking things over with your GP. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved

A big thank you for all the latest replies. I really appreciate you all taking the time to offer such good advice.

I definitely think getting involved with volunteering and / or the church would be good for me. I just need somewhere that I can find that sense of family and community that I am lacking (or that I think I will be lacking in later life).

You are also all correct that I need to try and live more in the present, as I absolutely understand that old age is not promised to any of us. I think maybe I need to focus on my hobbies more (art is a passion of mine) otherwise I do risk getting to the end of my life having done nothing but worry!

Christmas has rolled around again and this thread (which I started last year) has become relevant again. I am feeling really sad and anxious about my future. Although I am in a better position than last year, in that I now have more friends in my life, including someone in a similar position to me.

I am not really sure what I am looking for to be honest. I was just reading the thread back and reflecting on how I feel now, one year on.