How to support friend who is talking about suicide

[shinyfinger]

My best friend is depressed. At one point she was in a very worrying state and saying all the things to suggest that she was considering taking her own life.

Her mother contacted me and had similar fears to me. We have both tried to support her as best we can. For reference we're middle aged.

My friend is now doing much better and functioning well although I'm very aware that this doesn't mean she is anywhere near out of the woods.

She recently asked to meet me for a drink so I did. I sensed she was annoyed about me talking to her mum as she was a little passive aggressive when she brought it up. She then told me that she has a new plan and if I tell her mum she will end her friendship with me. Her plan is to allow something that she suspects might be cancer to take her own life naturally. She called it natural suicide.

I begged her to see a doctor but she refused and doubled down on the threat to end the friendship if I spoke to her mum or tried to stop her. I tried to be firm and clear with her that she needed to see a doctor.

Since this conversation I've become confused about my feelings.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but if I'm honest my overall feeling is anger but I'm not sure if I'm being selfish. She knows that a partner has used threats of suicide to control me during a long term abusive relationship. She knows the guilt it caused was a very effective way to control me. She's also aware that I struggle with my own mental health. I don't understand why she would tell me if she didn't want my help, but in the same breath is forbidding me from helping her. Equally I know that she is clearly not well and probably not thinking straight. I can't tell if I'm being triggered because of my past or if I'm justified in feeling cross with her. I fear that essentially she's told me how awful she feels and internally I've made it about me.

AIBU to feel cross and can anyone advise me on how to respond appropriately? Do I....

....Ignore it and assume it was just a silly conversation?
....Respect her wishes and support her choice?
or... Tell her mother and risk ruining a friendship?

I am diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD and have attempted suicide though it was a few years ago. As an indication as to how unwell I was I had assistance on the NHS for 7 years. I am discharged from my MH team now but have access to a help line and my psychiatrist said if an emergency I can ring her office directly.

At no point did I ever discuss my plans with any friend or relative. I did however meet a lot of other patients and some talked about suicide and some didn’t. I have been both an in patient and a day unit patient.

A nurse once told me that the ones the least likely to do it are the ones that speak about it.

I avoided the ones who went on about wanting to end their lives, I had my own shit to deal with if honest.

Ultimately you have told her to seek help, you have listened and in all this you need to protect your own mental health.

I would just remain silent on the subject and if you still want contact tread very warily. On my journey through MH services I met all sorts of people who were sadly plagued by MH issues, what you need to remember if however ill someone is they still have their innate personalities and some of those people are just not nice to be round and some are a delight, those personalities can still shine through the illness.

@Wellitwassimply That's so insightful and really interesting.

I don't think I've been very good at separating my emotional response from any logical thinking about it. I feel bad because she's a lovely person but this has triggered me more than I expected and left me confused.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and being so honest. I'm sorry to hear that you went through such an awful time💐

You sound like you’ve been a wonderful supportive friend OP!

I think sometimes people do need to hear a bit of the hard truth. I would be tempted to say something along the lines of;

‘Im sorry if it felt intrusive with your mum and I speaking to each other. I completely get that - the only reason was because we were extremely worried about you. From our perspective imagine if something had happened and we didn’t do all we could.

I know you aren’t out of the woods but I think you are getting better. Please try and remove suicide (whether natural or not) away from being an option. Just take it out of your mind and put it in a bin. Let’s focus on each day and improving things.

To tell me about the health issue you are ignoring but then say I can’t speak to your mum without losing you has really hurt me. Say you do have XX, imagine how horrific it would be for your loved ones watching you suffer and go through something horrific which could have been prevented.

I will give you a bit of time to tell her yourself or to go and get checked out. If you still won’t do anything then I will have to speak to your mum. It’s not because I want to go behind your back but because it’s too much weight for me to carry knowing something like that and doing nothing. I know this will anger you but please try and imagine how awful it would make me feel too.’

I get the sentiment but I don’t necessarily agree with the person above. People who talk about it are asking for help in their way and feeling desperate. It’s what people are told to do so bashing someone for speaking about suicide is very unhelpful.

I think this response for your friend is good.

I think you need to be mindful of your own MH as well.