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Friend suicidal - Help

10 replies

fruitandbarley · 15/12/2023 00:54

How do you get help for someone that is daily suicidal, spends everyday saying they just want to die, has tried to end their life 3 times in last 4 months ( as well as other awful things), but as soon as speak to crisis team says they are ok, feeling better, not at risk. But they actually are. ??

All help so far has been useless, there is none, and she actually needs sectioning but just keeps getting discharged.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 15/12/2023 00:57

This is really unhelpful and awful but she’s not going to get sectioned. She needs to be such a nuisance to her GP and maybe local hospital that they might section her but suicidal people really don’t get sectioned nowadays.

fruitandbarley · 15/12/2023 01:06

Thanks. They just die then?

I have never felt so helpless/hopeless in my life.

It's my best friend of 13 years and I'm moving house on Monday 180 miles away, just now expecting a call to say she's dead.

Thanks for replying x.

OP posts:
Nadal1966 · 15/12/2023 03:03

Hi

Firstly I do feel your pain, I had a similar experience with my sister. I called the crisis team , and said my sister is wishing to commit suicide. I think your friend if she has previously been admitted to hospital will be classed and GP, social aervices their community health mental services. With this they have a duty of care as she will be classed as a vulnerable person. Her famiĺy or if you, or her mental health nurse need to contact crisis mental health team and need to be assessed. The fact she may say she is not suicidal to them, they can assess her risk to self harm , and they cannot ignore if she is classed as a vulnerable person, which I am sure she would have been classed as this, and all professionals noted of her vulnerability. Unfortunately, yes often my sister would be admitted as an emergency psychiatric unit, but I was told they cannot provide other than emergency care. It does seem crazy that this is the case, but I was told my sister would not be discharged until she was deemed not a risk to herself or others, and the community mental health nurse saw my sister quite regularly a d she always had the emergency number. I have found in the past I called GP, crisis team, a and e as she had been there many times, and it hard, but I she is a risk to herself they do have to take her in as emergency.

My sister has been hospitalised this year. I hope somebody can help her, and you also have the responsibility of moving , and your own family. There is onĺy so much you can do, but I hope she is cared for

WolfAndBadger · 15/12/2023 05:47

It's tricky. If someone is determined to die there's really nothing you can do to stop them. To get help your friend has to engage with the help offered, shite though it often is. It's totally not your responsibility to solve this. However, if someone can identify barriers to her seeking and accepting help, maybe solutions to those barriers can also be identified. Sometimes there are genuine reasons why someone isn't engaging with the help offered, sometimes it's because the help is totally unsuitable for them and they can't engage with it. The MH services don't always get it right.

This is going to sound awful but some people just like to moan and moan and moan and do nothing to change their situation. Or maybe their situation genuinely can't be changed at all, but IME that's rare, it's usually that they don't want/like the options for change that are available to them.

If you've reached the end of your capacity for listening to a suicidal person day after day, it's ok for you to stop doing it. I know you haven't asked about that but I'm throwing it out there anyway, because stopping being a listening ear to someone who's troubles are draining you down and seriously negatively impacting on your own life often isn't something most people feel is ok for them to do. They instead feel misplaced responsibility or guilt. So I'm just pointing out that you're not responsible for your friend's life.

Sometimes by endless listening and sympathising we're actually enabling, albeit accidentally. The person has someone to moan to which relieves the load enough that they're able to carry on as they are, so they don't ever attempt to do anything to change the situation or their life for the better. Leaving both parties caught in a vicious circle. Without the enabler the person would be forced to take action. The only problem, especially in a suicidal person, is what that action may be. That's totally on them though. And there are various MH charities and helplines people can call. Although that isn't the same as talking to someone who knows their history and who they have a rapport with. I'm wondering if instead of calling you with her suicidal feelings, your friend whould be better served by calling her MH professional (if she has one)?

You can call the police to do a welfare check if someone tells you they're suicidal. That won't help if she tells them she's fine but it's something you can do. You can write to their GP or MH professional, if you know who that is, telling them of the situation with the daily phone calls etc. You won't get a response because of patient confidentially but you'll be making them aware of the truth of the situation. People can seek help privately if they don't want to use the NHS, either paying themselves or perhaps accessing some form of help through an employee's health insurance package as part of their salary benefits or student's in-house university provision of MH support. I'm not sure exactly what help may be available from charities or helplines, it's possible your friend is too unwell for this to be of much use right now, but could be worth finding out.

Beyond that there's really not much you can do. Suicidal person only gets sectioned if they have immediate plan to carry it out.

Ultimately you can't force a person to accept help though, as much as you might want to.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 15/12/2023 10:38

Nope, they aren’t going to get sectioned even if they have a plan and have carried it out.

User1343 · 15/12/2023 10:43

It's lovely of you to think of your friend but if she is so intent on doing it that the crisis team and hospital staff can’t keep her safe (because she tells them/acts fine) then there really isn’t anything more you can do aside from what I imagine you’re doing, which is checking in with her from time to time to provide some emotional support.

I would like to ask you what support you are getting? I hear you feeling helpless and upset. These are not good feelings to have alone without someone supporting you.

fruitandbarley · 15/12/2023 14:07

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/12/2023 14:15

Very tricky but you cannot solve this.
She needs to be telling the truth (as you see it) to crisis team.but you cannot control that.
If medical professionals assess and hear and identify that she not at risk and is fine then what can they do ?

(Exp was same, telling me he wanted to die, telling medical people he was fine... in the end harsh as it is , you can only inform others to do your bit , but the rest is up to the person and those assessing )

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 15/12/2023 14:26

The problem @cestlavielife is that you can tell them you want to die and your plan and they can still dismiss you. I used to be terrified of being sectioned and gabble out to the hospital staff that my overdose, hanging attempt, whatever was due to an impulse and not really meant when in fact I’d meticulously planned it. Nowadays I just come straight out and tell them. Get the same response. I also regularly inform my support worker that I have plans but I’m not ready to carry them out just now, which is true at the moment. I’m on the waiting list for a psych ward stay and it doesn’t seem to be getting me there any quicker (not that that’s why I’m honest about it, I just want to, well, be honest). People who lie either one way or the other - tell some people they want to die and others they don’t - are either being manipulative with the first group or aren’t as serious as they think they are about dying if it’s a lie to the second group. I don’t know OP’s friend but it’s possible some part of her mind really doesn’t want to die and she wants to tell someone in case that somehow helps her last-minute. That is super tough on OP because she can’t magic resources out of thin air.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2023 14:31

It is indeed tricky. I hope you get the help you want and need.

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